I don't know what it is, but I spend a lot of my time feeling quite numb. I presume it's my medication, which I hope to be coming off soon to see it makes a difference and also to see whether I'm well enough to live without it.
For a long while, I have felt less than I feel I should. Sometimes I struggle to feel happiness, in the same way I struggle to feel love and sometimes sadness too. It's really weird for me, because although I have never worn my heart on my sleeve, a lot of the time and in the past I have felt more numbness than I have happiness. And although this can been seen to be part of depression, the pure distance and spacing-out seems to be a side effect or either my disorder or medication. This is because sometimes with anti-depressant medication, it can blanket how you're feeling to try and compensate for the depression. It's also possible, which may be in my case, for the medication to change and not work in your favour like it used to, and that's okay. My medication was my lifeline, but perhaps now after three years, it's time for a change. I would still always suggest medication to those struggling, because it saved my life.
I suppose it can be quite scary to not feel like other people, and the way perhaps you should feel. But, with time and will I'm hoping that I will reach myself again. I know that people around me have noticed that I've become more distant and away with myself and it's not a nice thing for others to experience, let alone myself. I know I don't want to feel like this anymore and I know that it's going to take time to get back to normal.
You've just got to hold on in there.
Do you have similar stories?
12 February 2017
Sometimes, when someone else is struggling we don't always know the best way to approach the situation. Often, it's hard enough for us to help ourselves, let alone anyone else. So I have complied a few tips and tricks to help you, if you need to help a friend or someone you care about.
- Notice the signs - have they become more distant or changed their behaviour? Keep an eye out for any tell-tell signs that something's not quite right. Even an 'are you okay?' can be the gateway to the help they need.
- Offer a hand - if you notice that somethings not quite right, then let them know that you'll be there for them. They may not want to talk straight away, but they will know that you are there.
- Be casual - don't set up a meeting at a cafe just to chat about mental health. Try and make it more relaxed so that it won't be the topic of conversation. That way they should feel more relaxed.
- Have resources - make sure you know some people who you can contact if you suspect that something is up. This means that you can help in the best way you can, whenever you need to.
I hope this has helped. Reaching out and knowing that someone cares, tends to be one of the best ways to help.
5 February 2017
If you've been following me on twitter, you'll know that I have had my my first paid job! I had been
working there for a good few months and I didn't think I would ever get there. Having a paid job was the last goal on my hierarchy because I was just so petrified of the whole notion. But, the way it worked out, one step after another meant to me that I just had to do it. It was my final step for me, so I thought I had to go for it. But I was petrified and I cried at least three times before even getting to the trial shift and even after the first phone call.
But I thought I had come far to even get the trial shift that I might as well continue. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because I learnt that people don't expect you to be perfect and get everything right the first time round.
Form my first shift itself, I was strangely more excited than nervous. I'll be honest that I was a little rusty as I had to take in a lot of information and for the whole 6 hours, I was on edge, but I made it. Before I got the job I kept getting into a panic about the thought of it and I kept saying that I couldn't do it and I just felt myself full of dread and anxiety and this was the way it was for first month of work.
I'll be honest that the whole notion of a job was so overwhelming that it pushed me to the edge. In the beginning I was doing way too many hours than which I could cope with and I got in such a serious and worrying mental state, that I knew I could either give up or do something about it, and do something about it is what I did. I don't know where the courage came from, but I phoned in sick and explained exactly why and what I struggled with and the necessity to reduce my hours, and as a result that is what happened. I appreciated the fact that I was taken seriously, as an adult and as a human being. My mental health is valid.
As the months passed, it did get easier and I was brought back from the edge and gaining in confidence. The more I went, the more comfortable I became and the more I got used to it. However, there were many a time where I cried during work, before and after as well having some breakdowns and panic attacks. But, as this passed I picked myself up and tried again. I now understand even more, that the things you think you cannot get through, you can.
Ultimately, it took one bit of courage to overcome the anxiety. But it was also something I had to give up because I couldn't cope with the stress of final year university and a job and that's okay. Even though I know I will still have anxiety getting my next job, I have gotten over the first hurdle which I never thought would be possible.
I feel that this was the right time for me to get my first paid job and now, it doesn't matter to me so much what my other peers were doing in the past. I am on my own journey.
It just takes that one bit of courage.