It's all about the circumstance


*Trigger warning*

This summer has been been very similar to the last, in the way that I really struggled. I will be totally honest and that I have been very depressed and suicidal this summer and I think it's all down to the circumstances alongside the base principle that I do have mental health problems. 

I do love to come home from university and see my friends and family as I truly miss them when I am away and they bring so much happiness, but at the same time coming home brings back some traumatic memories which seem to hit me as soon I walk in the door and I feel this is the reason I struggle so much. I wish I could be like my mother, who went through this all with me, and put it in a box somewhere and move on with it. But, I haven't quite got to that stage yet and the wound still feels very raw, after all of these years. 

Coming home for Christmas, I find is one the happiest times. I think it must be because of the length of time I spend at home - a month. This seems like the perfect amount of time for me and perhaps next year, if I move back home, having a full-time job will take my mind off things. I have found that by being at home for three months without a hefty job, and friends that aren't always available to see, leaves me with my own thoughts, especially when there are some people around you that trigger these traumatic memories every time you see them. I find it very hard to overcome these thoughts when I come home, especially this summer and the last as although I filled my time, it just wasn't enough for me and I just ended up in this spiral of depression, suicidal thoughts, attempts and self harm, the same as this summer. But, when I am at university, my mental health seems to improve and I very rarely feel as depressed or anxious as I do when I come home and I know that's because of my past. But, it does make me sad because it's not the fault of mother's and I do feel the guilt of leaving her in a house by herself when she ill, and that adds to my pressure. But, I know as well that she wants the best for me and I can't thank her enough for all that she has done. I feel a lot of mental health problems can be reactive, and this what mine are when I come home and it's just about weathering the storm. 

I have some fantastic times when I am home over the summer, but I also have some more than challenging times and that's what I struggle with the most. But, it comes to a point where you have look after yourself and your mental health and although others may be suffering, to just keep living can be a sensitive challenge and if that means that I have to do what's best for me, and remove myself from these circumstances of my old home life, then that's what I'm going to have to do. And if you feel a similar way, I suggest that to heal, you do a similar thing if that's possible. 

Even though times can be tough, I am still here and so are you. And that just shows that you can do it.

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx