Journal #1 11th November 2013

Today begins a new series on my blog. I want to share with you what living with mental illness is really like. I know I have over the years, but this time I also want to share snippets from my journals, to show you the depth that mental illness can go to. Of course, not all of my journal entries will be published because it is very private. However I will be sharing the entries I feel comfortable in doing so, albeit somewhat altered if necessary.

Today's Journal entry is from 2013, when I was 18 years old and still struggling to get to sixth form on a daily basis. Please don't read if you feel it may be triggering. A time when my anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies were extremely severe:

11th November 2013

"I've recently read a quote that said write until it stops hurting, so here goes:

Today was a bad day. However, God listened to me and got rid of my bad throat to help me to get to school. Unfortunately, today I couldn't make it but I was ever so close. I broke down and mum had to restrain me. I just couldn't get out of the car. 

I picture my classmates and teachers, especially the teachers anticipating my entry in school; their faces of disappointment breaks my heart because I know they search for me and are delighted when they know I've made it. Even though it creates so much pain, I still struggle. I can't bare to let these people down because I know how much they care. My Mum is in so much distress over this and it's not fair on her. I would do anything to take this pain away. 

I hate that other people can just go to school. I am missing out on memories, friends and education. This is what I regret because I will never get the time back. All of that laughter and learning I cannot access because I'm stuck in my room. Because I'm burdened with this curse. I would do anything, go through any other torture to be free from this. I want my life back. I know I have lost myself and I hope that someday I can be reunited, so I can be happy like any other 18 year old. 

I am not an 18 year old now. I feel I have lost all control and it angers me because I can't be like the rest. I want to get a job and join a club, but I am incapable because the forces are too strong. I don't even have the power to progress with the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have. I've been left to crawl out of the mud, whilst others run too far ahead to ever be seen. 

I just want to wake up happy. I don't want to feel ill every day. I don't want to have such dread that my brain can't comprehend it. I don't want to think that the only way to cure this, is to die. This is not what I want, but it's hard to see an end." 

I look back at this entry and I look at how far I have come. I'm 21 now, and am at a stage where my anxiety and depression is under control for the majority of the time. I was writing from a place of hopelessness, but if reading this tells you anything, it's that you can get from the darkest of times and live a happy life once more. I and many others are the proof of this. Keep fighting.

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx