TW: Suicide and suicidal thoughts

Suicide.

A word that we always hear and think we understand, but in reality someone's relationship with suicide can be a lot more complex than what we would usually understand it to be.

First off, for further information on suicide itself and where to get help, please refer back to my post on the topic.

As some of us may know, suicide is the biggest killer of men under the age of 45. That's a higher statistic than heart attacks and cancer. If that statistic doesn't sink in then you best read it again...that man is your Dad, your husband, brother, son...you. Of course, suicide isn't solely something that only men are committed to doing, it can be anyone.

When we think of suicide, we think of someone committing the act that results in their death and when we say that someone has taken their own life or committed suicide, then that would be correct to say. There is another side to suicide that often goes unseen and consists of the thoughts and feelings in the lead up to someone deciding to end their life. Suicidal thoughts are exactly that; thinking about suicide. It may include the thoughts, preparation, and ideologies of it but more importantly it might not actually be something that the person will undertake. 

As some of you may know, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and tendencies from around the age of fourteen, when I had my first suicide attempt. It was around that age that not only did I have the suicidal thoughts leading up to the attempt, but it is such that it is now a regular thought process in my brain for most days of my life, but it doesn't necessarily mean that I will undertake any of these thoughts. 

As much as I can explain the above, it's hugely important to realise there is a very thin line between simply having these thoughts and actually doing something about it. I often feel that people underplay this when they hear the notion of it spoken about. What you must remember is that the person whom you think will never do it and you could bet that as such, will be the ones that will. In fact, anyone with these thoughts needs to be taken seriously, listened to and given the opportunity to access professional medical support. 

Although there may be this difference between doing something and not, you never want to be in the position where you didn't take someone seriously and that was the last time you saw them. It's important that you talk to the person and understand what is going on inside their head and the risk that they are posing to themselves regardless of it being thoughts or actual acts or preparation. 

Don't be ashamed.

You could be saving another life by talking, but you could be saving yours.

Twenty-two prose

When things are clear, it's easy,

But it rarely has been.

Energy is drained and I'd rather be numb,

Then feel a range of emotions where happiness might exist.

I'm meant to miss in all ways,

Some ways,

No ways,

And I do,

But I am never fixated.

I can't make sense of myself when I live in it,

It might be the end when I know. 

Do I do it now?

Pain and fragility exists here,

And the mind has all of the possibilities that may not be true

And if the inside was known,

I might be held even if I was the sun.

Life in lockdown

Lockdown is a phrase we have all become accustomed to, but one which I never thought I would become acquainted with. 

At the moment of writing this I am in the midst of a 14 day isolation period where I am unable to step outside of the boundaries of my home. It just so happens that my home consists of a bedroom at this stage in my life. I must admit prior to this, the thought of being in isolation was one which I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with. A life without physical contact, fresh air and freedom...But the brain is a magnificent organ that can either make or break you. It's not necessarily a matter of changing your mindset because that's not always possible, but it's adapting your brain's capacity in the circumstances you find yourself in, as well as your life as you know it. I've gone from exercising outside and in a gym to doing home workouts and finding other ways to entertain myself than through other people. 

It has made me realise that I am on my own, but only in physicality. I can be at one with myself and rely on myself to get through each day. I would always fill every single minute of my day with seeing people or doing something productive and now, I have to turn that on its head and do the exact opposite and I'm ok. It's not necessarily what I want to do, but I certainly haven't died like I thought I would have. There are extremely wobbly moments and have been where I have felt on the brink of insanity as well as feeling like I am a hamster trapped in a cage, but I know this is only for a short period of time and by understanding my coping mechanisms, I can find find ways through it.

It's not necessarily normal for the human body to be put through these situations, as we too often know that it can lead to insanity and it is no surprise that mental illness has increased amongst the lockdown. I too know with my mental health diagnosis' that my brain can become overwhelming to the point I no longer feel that I can be rational about my actions, however I am trying to utilise my brain in such a way that I try to become accustomed to this way of life. It's important to remain in contact with friends and family, counsellors and charities to keep you grounded and stick to a routine.

Amongst everything, the isolation has taught me that I can handle being by myself and I can rely on myself. I don't need to rely on another, but it is also not a negative to do so. I won't end up dying by losing my mind and my mind is a lot stronger than the panic thought it was. I am taking this time as an opportunity to gain knowledge about myself and rest; something that I would never get to do in any other circumstances that would be presented to me in the ordinary way of life. This situation won't last forever and there is nothing that I can do to change it, so there is no point in wasting my energy, wishing my life was different. It's okay to feel a range of emotions and let them flow through you, but try not to let them become overwhelming and if they do, reach out. It won't be as bad as you think.