The other day I took on the biggest personal challenge of my life so far...I had a really important assessment day for my dream future career in the public service. I have wanted do this particular career for my whole entire life and as of yet, I don't know whether I have been successful...but I am not feeling too confident. Needless to say it was one of the most nerve-racking situations of my life, if not - the most nerve wracking. I didn't feel too nervous for the actual day, it came over me more when I started the first exam.
The assessment comprised of many different tasks, to which the first one led to me panicking mainly because it was the first task of the day and I didn't know what to expect. But, I tried to not let this affect my future progress because I had a long day ahead of me. As time went on, the anxiety reduced. However the two biggest tasks; the interview and the role-play were looming and even though I was there in the building every inch of my body was telling me to run and that there was no possible way for me to get through it. It came down to the role-play and I can honestly say that at that moment, stood outside the door and waiting for the buzzer was the most nerve wracking experience of my life or at least it felt like it at the time. If you've been a reader for a long time, you'll know that I have had anxiety for many years and I used to have a severity of anxiety that meant I couldn't leave the house and if I came anywhere near it, I would have a complete, out of control, meltdown and panic. In that moment standing outside of that door however, I had that feeling of wanting to run away. My heart was in my throat and it was a type of anxiety I don't think I have ever felt before. I think I felt such a way because usually by that point of severity of anxiety, it would've been expressed in a panic attack. But at that moment I couldn't. I was surrounded by other candidates, officers, actors and assessors. It was not the time and it took everything for me to maintain my composure. As a result I felt a type of severe anxiety that couldn't have any release and in that way, I just had to let it wash over me and it was exactly that. I literally felt the anxiety wash over and through me rather then letting it build up in tension. It's almost difficult to explain, but because I couldn't do anything to reduce it, I just had to make peace with it in some way.
Knowing that I went through a situation of extreme anxiety and rather than running away like I always used to do, I stuck with it. It surprised me and I am extremely proud that I managed to do it. I'm not sure I could experience a level of anxiety much higher which provides me with the confidence that I can face many more challenges than I first ever thought I could. It just reinstated to me that if you think about it, you have survived every day so far, even those you thought you could never make it through.
I'm sure for all of you who have experienced taking any type of medication, missing a day or two can really mess with your system, especially when it comes down to medication for your mental health, so this is your reminder to take your medication!
I have been on my mental health medication for around three to four years now and I can definitely tell when I have missed a day, or two, or three...the problem is I often forget to leave it somewhere that I regularly see in the morning. Really, I should put the medication in a place where I will know that I will take it and I advise you to do that also! For example, in the bathroom, near your hairbrush or even by your car keys.
When I miss my medication for a few days I experience dizziness, the feeling of being spaced-out, lack of concentration, sickness and headaches. I don't feel that my mood changes that much unless I have missed my medication for a few days, not on purpose, but just out of forgetfulness. After a few days I do notice a change in my mood, which can be quite severe. I'll often face increased anxiety and depression and even suicidal thoughts. I remember the times when I have been extremely irrational and it has been scary because you feel completely out of control. I won't go into detail of the exact experiences, but just remember to take the medication! I think if I was to come off my medication more slowly, I would be able to control the reduction rather than going cold turkey and I think that is what causes the problems when medication is missed.
If this post reminds you of anything, please remember to take your medication as there is nothing to be ashamed of and missing medication for a long time can have adverse effects. However, I am aware that certain medication itself can cause increased anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts, but even so it is never advised to go completely cold turkey. Remember to follow your doctor's advice.
What are your experiences?
Dear 16-year-old me,
You're made of tough stuff. You may not feel like it now, but I know you are. You're in the middle of your GCSE's and you're feeling like you're fighting a losing battle, but I promise if you keep working hard you'll get where you want to be. I'll be honest, that even if you try your absolute best, there is no guarantee that you will be at the top, but you will certainly be close if work hard at your graft.
I know everyone is saying that life isn't all about exams and education right now, even though it feels like it is. If I could teach you anything right now, it would be that your mental health is the most important thing to look after during this time. There is so much pressure from the moment you get into school but please don't destroy your health over some exams. Just try your best, work hard and please look after yourself. It is not worth trying to end your life over.
Those negative comments from your peers? There will always be those in your life. But, you're doing well to fend them off and have strong sense of belief which will carry you throughout your life and be really meaningful to you. In years to come, you'll remember these people and their negative comments, but it won't matter as much as it does now. You will be striving ahead to be where you want to be and perhaps they won't be.
If you have the chance, spend more time with your family. You may still be in contact with some friends that you're with now, but your family is still important. Please don't get overwhelmed with everything in life to the point where you don't have much time for them as they won't be around forever. As you get older, the more you'll begin to realise this. Even if they drive you up the wall - just take a moment to think and put yourself in their shoes.
Try to save money and not spend it on things you don't need! It's actually really useful when you get older (!)
Finally, you've been through some rough times which you have faced head on and have come out of the other side. I'm not going to tell you that the future is going to be plain sailing, but just keep it in mind that you do have the strength to make it through, and through this journey you will meet some amazing people and will begin to understand what is really important in life. It's going to be a hard few years to get to where you want and keep your mental health stable, but you will get there and your hard work will pay off. You will grow, you will become more confident and you will get there.
I am speaking from my 22-year-old self now and I am far away from knowing everything, but I hope this would've been useful to you and any young person reading!
Keep going,
The assessment comprised of many different tasks, to which the first one led to me panicking mainly because it was the first task of the day and I didn't know what to expect. But, I tried to not let this affect my future progress because I had a long day ahead of me. As time went on, the anxiety reduced. However the two biggest tasks; the interview and the role-play were looming and even though I was there in the building every inch of my body was telling me to run and that there was no possible way for me to get through it. It came down to the role-play and I can honestly say that at that moment, stood outside the door and waiting for the buzzer was the most nerve wracking experience of my life or at least it felt like it at the time. If you've been a reader for a long time, you'll know that I have had anxiety for many years and I used to have a severity of anxiety that meant I couldn't leave the house and if I came anywhere near it, I would have a complete, out of control, meltdown and panic. In that moment standing outside of that door however, I had that feeling of wanting to run away. My heart was in my throat and it was a type of anxiety I don't think I have ever felt before. I think I felt such a way because usually by that point of severity of anxiety, it would've been expressed in a panic attack. But at that moment I couldn't. I was surrounded by other candidates, officers, actors and assessors. It was not the time and it took everything for me to maintain my composure. As a result I felt a type of severe anxiety that couldn't have any release and in that way, I just had to let it wash over me and it was exactly that. I literally felt the anxiety wash over and through me rather then letting it build up in tension. It's almost difficult to explain, but because I couldn't do anything to reduce it, I just had to make peace with it in some way. 
