Abandonment is going to kill me

This is how I feel; that being abandoned is going to leave me unable to cope and live which was born when I went from a stable household as a child, to one that was no longer. I began to develop a negative behaviour that I didn't know really existed until last year - my fear that I will not be able to function if someone just disappears from my life.

I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser, but in my very young years I would make sure that I would do everything in my power to not upset people and if I did, accidentally, then my world felt like it had been turned upside down and I would need to do anything to bring back the equilibrium. Once I had gone over and beyond to make sure that the person understood that my actions were not intentional and we became friends again, I was happy and I could cope. But when I began to experience a person of great trust, at the time when I was just at the end of primary school life, was leading a different life as well as leaving my life, my life changed before my eyes. I could't understand why it was happening, but I was angry more than I wanted the person to stay. In fact, I wanted them to go and never see them again, at the time. I'm glad to say that now, through lots of hard work I don't let that side plague me as much anymore. What it did create however, was the biggest mental health trigger that I have and one which I only really discovered last year. That is; abandonment.  I developed a huge, almost irrational fear that if someone extremely important to me, leaves then I will be unable to cope. I believe this attached itself to my younger self's need to keep the equilibrium between people and that's why it became one big difficultly for myself.

I experienced something last year, which brought this abandonment fear to the surface. I didn't really know that it was something that I needed to deal with until then. The feelings that resulted from that experience were strong and powerful. It took over my mental and physical capabilities and I'm not sure I have felt something so overwhelmingly powerful since my phobia of school, but I guess if I didn't experience the fear then, it would've caught up with me eventually and I would've had to deal with it at some point. It was always hiding in plain sight. At the time, I felt like I couldn't cope as it was such a strong automatic reaction. Even trying to practice self-care was hard and working through daily life, but slowly over time it got easier until one day the abandonment hole was filled and that's when I felt I could cope again.

Throughout the year following, I had worked really hard to overcome the fear of abandonment in such a way that I can appreciate that it is there and know that I am going to experience it a lot throughout my life, but it is something that I can cope with, rather than die of. Believe it or not, the thought that I wasn't able to survive as a result of abandonment was a huge thing to rationalise and something that I can still feel to the core of me, today. It's like an automatic switch where I get taken to a place of not being able to function and feeling like I can't live. It lives alongside the fact, that the reason I avoid abandonment is because I'm so strongly taken back to such a traumatic painful period in my childhood, that I couldn't rationalise at that age, which now lives in my sub-conscious. Now I can understand the situation with a more adult mindset. My counsellor taught me that we have two parts of us and maybe more; but there is an adult side and child side. The things we experience as children, affect us as adults as they tend to stay in our subconscious and become normal parts of our actions that we don't even second guess. But, it's recognising when there is an an unhelpful behaviour that you learnt as a child and becoming the adult to look after this part of you; so you can overcome it and be the hand to hold, that the child always wanted.

I still have a long way to go and I know that abandonment is still my biggest trigger and can still put me into a huge downward spiral. But instead of running back to the easiest known path, like a racing pigeon does to get home, I have to take a step back, evaluate the situation in all in its glory and maybe take the route which is not as comfortable, but one that will help me to get through this big trigger, like I have done with other situations that used to terrify me. The thought of abandonment may put me further into my shell when communicating with people, with the thought at the back of my head that I don't want to go through the pain of abandonment if I can help it, but I know that if is going to help me on my mental health journey, it is something that I need to do.

Mental illness is NOT an excuse.

Mental illness is not an excuse. How many times have you heard that?


If you don't turn up to work, you're lazy.
If you're not listening, you're rude.
If you're short tempered, you're selfish.
If you don't want to go out, you're boring.
If you're upset, you're sensitive. 

...and in many situations in life, that may well be the case. But mental illness can make us come across in particular ways but are actually symptoms of the illness we are dealing with.

Many years ago when I couldn't go to school, I remember being called lazy because I never attended when in fact I was in the midst of severe anxiety and depression. Rather than Mental illness being an invalid excuse, it is in fact a valid reason. 

If I don't turn up to work, I'm actually struggling with depression and I'm not lazy.
If I'm not listening, I'm dissociating and I promise I'm not intentionally being rude.
If I'm short tempered, I didn't get any sleep because of my depression and I'm stressed.
If I don't want to go out, it's because I can't move my legs due to my anxiety.
If I'm upset, it's because I am feeling hopeless and suicidal.

On the other end of the spectrum, mental illness really isn't just an excuse. Mental illness isn't just something you can pluck out of thin air and use as an excuse to some of your negative actions. Regardless of whether you have mental illness or not, being intentionally selfish or rude is not something you can support by the fact that you have a mental illness. I In the same way, every time you are sad or angry doesn't necessarily mean it's related to your depression, it could simply be part of a normal human emotion.

Similarly, using conditions in relation to mental illness as adjectives for a reason as to why you are acting in a particular way isn't appropriate either. It can invalidate others' experiences and also make it harder for people to be open as more people will view mental illness are crying wolf rather than seeing it as a real, pertinent issue. If you really feel that you are going through a difficult experience and are struggling with your mental health, going to the doctors is the forward step.

Remember to be proud of who you are and the conditions you deal with. Never feel ashamed if your mental illness is making you come across in a particular way because those who understand will know that it is just part of the symptoms of your conditions.

Calm in the palm of your hand | AD

Breathing techniques have always been a recommendation by doctors and practitioners for anxiety for many years and a good one at that. Yes, it isn't a cure but meditation and breathing techniques tend to help to calm you down in times of stress and panic attacks. During the various panic attacks that I've had, I have always used breathing techniques; from following imaginary shapes in my mind, counting numbers or copying someone else which has helped to calm my breathing and heart rate back down to normal.

I was recently introduced to a product that could help me as well as yourself, to do just that. Let's face it, trying to focus on breathing when you've been triggered and are having a panic attack is not an easy thing to do. But what if there was something to help you during your time of distress? Some people use cigarettes to focus on to calm down and as I said earlier, I usually try to focus on numbers. Whichever method you choose the undermining thing is to focus on is breathing. Calmigo is a product that can help you with your breathing during times of distress without having to try hard to concentrate. I myself have already used it and it definitely helps.

I'd describe Calmigo as somewhat of an exhaler. The key is that you mainly exhale into the product. As you do this the lights on the Calmigo will turn blue according to how long and steady you exhale. The aim is to keep these blue lights on so you are seen to exhale for long enough. As well as this, the product incorporates aromatherapy. When I was younger, I had a lavender spray that I would put on my pillow to help me sleep and this has a similar idea. It suggests for you inhale through your nose so that you can smell the lavender scent that you attach to the product. This alongside your slow and steady breathing accompanied by the machine should help you to reach your ultimate breathing rate. The Calmigo also learns your breathing technique and can vibrate when you have exhaled enough - that way you're able to get used to what the right breathing rate is for you.

I have used the machine myself and it is really easy to use. Focusing on the blue dots helped me to understand whether I was exhaling for long enough and steadily enough. The aromatherapy was also really helpful in adding that sense of calm, as lavender is known it's ability to help calm. After using this regularly and when needed for a few minutes at a time I think I would definitely feel a lot calmer and learn about my breathing. Of course I guess people could say; 'well what's the difference to counting your breathing and doing it on your own?'. As I have said, I believe the aromatherapy aspect and the physical guidance, gives the user something to focus on, smell and be a bit of a help during a time of need. It also adapts to your use in real time and this is the difference between just simple breathing techniques and the device, in that it adapts to you. It also comes with a one year warranty and can last for years! You can take it anywhere and is simple to use. I haven't found any issues with the product and will be using it as part of my meditation.

Of course before you use any product make sure you inform a health professional if you have any concerns. Calmigo have their own website where you can order one yourself or read more into the product, here.