When things are clear, it's easy,
But it rarely has been.
Energy is drained and I'd rather be numb,
I'm meant to miss in all ways,
Some ways,
No ways,
And I do,
But I am never fixated.
I can't make sense of myself when I live in it,
It might be the end when I know.
Do I do it now?
Pain and fragility exists here,
And the mind has all of the possibilities that may not be true
And if the inside was known,
I might be held even if I was the sun.
Lockdown is a phrase we have all become accustomed to, but one which I never thought I would become acquainted with.
At the moment of writing this I am in the midst of a 14 day isolation period where I am unable to step outside of the boundaries of my home. It just so happens that my home consists of a bedroom at this stage in my life. I must admit prior to this, the thought of being in isolation was one which I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with. A life without physical contact, fresh air and freedom...But the brain is a magnificent organ that can either make or break you. It's not necessarily a matter of changing your mindset because that's not always possible, but it's adapting your brain's capacity in the circumstances you find yourself in, as well as your life as you know it. I've gone from exercising outside and in a gym to doing home workouts and finding other ways to entertain myself than through other people.
It's not necessarily normal for the human body to be put through these situations, as we too often know that it can lead to insanity and it is no surprise that mental illness has increased amongst the lockdown. I too know with my mental health diagnosis' that my brain can become overwhelming to the point I no longer feel that I can be rational about my actions, however I am trying to utilise my brain in such a way that I try to become accustomed to this way of life. It's important to remain in contact with friends and family, counsellors and charities to keep you grounded and stick to a routine.
Amongst everything, the isolation has taught me that I can handle being by myself and I can rely on myself. I don't need to rely on another, but it is also not a negative to do so. I won't end up dying by losing my mind and my mind is a lot stronger than the panic thought it was. I am taking this time as an opportunity to gain knowledge about myself and rest; something that I would never get to do in any other circumstances that would be presented to me in the ordinary way of life. This situation won't last forever and there is nothing that I can do to change it, so there is no point in wasting my energy, wishing my life was different. It's okay to feel a range of emotions and let them flow through you, but try not to let them become overwhelming and if they do, reach out. It won't be as bad as you think.
Last month I turned 25...yikes! I think I've finally started to feel like I am stepping into the shoes of an adult rather than a child or a teenager and as a result I'm going to share with you some of what I have learnt over my years on this planet:
1. You have the same right to be on this planet as anyone else.
2. Always be yourself.
3. Don't let other people treat you like shit.
4. Anything can happen at any given time, anything.
5. Life rarely happens like you plan it out to be.
6. Your journey is not to be compared to others. It is not a competition.
7. We all have different starting points.
8. Love is all that matters, in what ever forms you wish that to be.
9. You can't take materialistic things with you when you die.
10. Spend more money and time on experiences.
11. Always strive for yours goals, no matter how many times you get knocked back.
12. You're not as fat as you perceive yourself to be.
13. Heartbreaks hurt, but you will get through it and it will teach you something positive.
14. Explore the world whilst you can!
15. If your gut is telling you something, it is usually right.
16. The brain is an extremely powerful organ and it can destroy you as well as make you.
17. Start saving at the earliest opportunity...adulting is expensive!
18. Take it step by step; the bigger picture will overwhelm you.
19. There's always going to be someone that doesn't like you.
20. There are always two sides to every story and someone may see you differently because of an untrue story.
21. We all make mistakes. Own up to them. Apologise if necessary.
22. Take time to yourself, own your own.
23. Always talk to someone.
24. Always sleep on a decision before you make it.
25. Recognise toxicity. The sooner it's dealt with, the better you will feel.
I could write many more, but this is the list for now...
