Dear future me

I was inspired to write a letter to my future self that I would open upon graduation from university.

Dear future Amy,

You’ve finally made it and you never believed you could. You completed the degree that you had been planning for years; you’ve graduated! People always talk about the amount of debt it costs, but the experience that you’ve gained is priceless and even so, there are many organisations out there who can support you. If you’re concerned with the costs, you can always ask counselors about scholarship opportunities, or consider researching alternative ways to save money after college like refinancing debt. Pricelessness has no limit, and for not one moment do I expect that you regret your decision to go to university. Laying on your bedroom floor, in the dark all those years ago, with not even an ounce of hope to hold on to, did you ever imagine yourself to be stood in your graduation gown accepting your degree in front of hundreds of people - I’m so proud! 

Anxiety and depression sucked the life out of you, but it didn’t beat you. Sitting in various different doctors and therapists offices, being drained of the same answers to the questions you always had to answer about your anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies, from watching people go to school and learning to drive, even though it crippled you to walk out of the door and in the darkest of days, when one breath seemed a conscious choice, you carried on. Going to university was the change that you needed and you grabbed the opportunity with both hands. You worked hard to get your degree and receive mental health support that you needed, from continuing with your medication to having the best mental health mentor that anyone could wish for - not to mention the immense support from family and friends which you are ever so lucky to have. You’ve created some fantastic memories with lifelong friends and had some experiences that you will never ever forget; from staying up until daylight, going to night clubs with the majority of your accommodation, walks with your flatmates, indoor cricket, late night talks and finding your first love, just mention a few. 

You could honestly say without a doubt, that it has been the best experience of your life and one you’ll wish to revisit for many years to come. Although at times it has been hard, because you’ve constantly been battling the demons, you’ve bounced back. Each time you’ve gotten stronger and faced bigger and better things, from getting your first paid job, to becoming the president of your university’s mental health society. It’s taught you so much, from budgeting and how to cook (or not as the case may be!), how to look after yourself, pay bills and rent and led you onto getting your first rented flat outside of student life. I know you're sad to see it go, but I know you are moving onto to greater things. As you are travelling back to your hometown, I know you’re going to be questioning what’s going to happen next. Perhaps you’re feeling like you’re having a mini-life crisis! You’re thinking about how you’re going to afford your rented flat, or be able to find a job, praying that your anxiety doesn’t become overwhelming, or perhaps thinking about how you’re going to cope with such a big change or deal with the financial worries of the possibility of working in London. But it’s okay, you’re going to handle it like you have with everything else, with strength and passion. Hindsight is a great thing, but unfortunately we cannot tell what’s going to happen in the future, so you’ve just go to keep moving forward with the knowledge that you have at that time.

Now that you’re leaving, just take a moment to look back at that little nine-year old girl who thought the world was all going to be too much. Brush off her shoulders and tell her, she is going to make through and get to university and achieve everything she has wanted. I know you have never felt that you had that capability within you, but you have and always will. At times you were upset that you didn’t join the rowing society, or missed the odd night out, but that was what you felt you could handle at the time, and that is okay. You took up the opportunities when you felt you had it within you to do so and that is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all on a different journey. 

We are all capable. Mental illness may be something that is within us, but it is not something that defines us.

Congratulations,

The end of the hierarchy

It's 2013 and I'm sat in my therapists chair in the doctor's old room, barely holding myself together, writing a list of the 10 things that make me anxious from least to the most. With only just being able to leave the house, the first on my list was catching a bus, going all the way through to getting a job, driving alone, asking for something, going school and travelling alone amongst many others. 

Sitting down and writing the list made me realise how little I was capable of. How I could hardly walk out the door or even answer the phone in my own house. I knew I would have a long road ahead of me, but I was willing to do whatever it took to turn my life around. 

It's now 2017 and I have done it. I've made it. I've overcome everything on my hierarchy from all those years ago. I was 17 then and I'm 21 now. I've changed and come a long long way. Through medication, various counselling and therapy sessions, panic attacks, and very dark days I am finally here; and its quite emotional to write about it. 

I do still struggle with anxiety and depression and some tasks I still do find difficult. But, I've overcome the main areas of my illness. It hasn't been easy and it hasn't always been
happy, but with time and perseverance you can do it. There have been times of hopelessness and times when I thought I wouldn't make it out alive, but I have and you can too.

Now, it's about continuing to build on my confidence and areas I struggle with and hopefully one day I will be at a place where mental illness is almost non-existence in my daily life.

Best Wishes, 

My year in review 2016!

It's come to that time of year again where I look at the past year. I can't believe that I have been doing this for three years now! Where to start...

Although I expected this year to be one of little change, it turns out that there have been some things that have happened which have been unexpected, I suppose! One of my biggest achievements of this year was getting my first car and driving by myself. This is something that I was petrified of in the beginning, but as soon as I got used to it, it become second nature to me. This was even more so the case when I got my first paid job. If you have been reading for a long time, you'll know that getting a paid job was at the top of my anxiety hierarchy and after doing volunteering for two summers, I finally got the courage to go for a paid job. This was extremely hard for me. I spent many days crying both before and after getting the job, panic attacks whilst at work and swearing I would never go back because the anxiety it gave me was just too much. Nevertheless, this paid job allowed me to earn my own money and with that came a sense of achievement, it allowed me to drive my car alone a lot more and definitely increased my confidence. It also happened that this year, I handed in my resignation for this paid job too because with third year degree studies and working so many hours in a week, it just wasn't good for my mental health, so I took that challenging step too. Even though I only worked there for three to four months, I don't regret undertaking it.

In the ice bar of Amsterdam!

During this year, I also went on holiday with my friends to Amsterdam. Now, that was one of the best trips I have been on. I definitely recommend Amsterdam and I will hopefully be going back. I also went on my first holiday with my partner. This makes two holidays where I've had to rely on my own instinct to get home in one piece. I will hopefully be travelling a lot more.

As many of you know, I am now into my third and final year of my Law degree. I have managed to survive it this far, so I'm just hoping that I will graduate next year. Further to this, I also became the president of my university's mental health society in which we set up events for people to come along to and raise awareness. I also try to improve the welfare side of things at university by working with students and staff as a member of the welfare committee. It's a very busy final year and can also be very anxiety provoking!

Renting my own flat with my partner is something that I have never done before until now. In theory, it will be my first flat where I will no longer be a student and out in the big wide world of work. This will be the first time we will be living together outside of shared accommodation, so a new challenge will be underway!

A final challenge I can think of is part of my weight loss journey. Since January of this year, I had been determined to lose the weight that had been put on, partially because of medication. To this date, I have lost just over three stone. It has been extremely hard and for me, it's been about counting calories and going to the gym. Nothing more and nothing less. I have had times of crying, I have given up, but most of all I have still made it. I have little bit more to go, but If you put your mind to it, you can achieve anything. This is the same with your mental health. Sometimes, mental illness can require a lot of willpower to overcome your fears. Sometimes, you won't be able to, like I have felt many times before, but sometimes you will find that spark that allows you to take that bit of courage and run a mile through your fears. I promise, that with will power comes hardship, but it's worth it and every single one you is capable.

Overall, this year has been full of many achievements. But there have been also some times of severe depression, suicidal thoughts and self harm and feeling utterly lost and out of control, especially during the Summer months. These elements are still present in my life and are things I still tackle on a daily basis, however I feel I have improved year on year and it just goes to show, even if you have faced times of extreme lows, you can still go ahead and achieve things. We are not alone in this battle, and I know you have the strength to battle this illness. It's not easy, but it's definitely worth it.

I'd love to hear what your year has been like.  Let me know in the comments below.