Who am I?

It’s a bit of a weird question, but one you should ask yourself. I bet if you even asked yourself the question right now, you wouldn’t be able to give me a quantitive answer. There’s often one thing that you do know though, and that’s what you stand by, what you’re passionate for and the truth of your actions.

I feel that we often get caught up in the busyness of daily life sometimes and through relationships and gossip we can often lose our sense of self. We may find ourselves questioning, ‘am I still me?’. Perhaps one thing that can shake us the most is other people’s perceptions of oneself. Deep down, I’m sure we’d all want to be seen as a good, honest and trustworthy person but in reality we can’t be that all of the time. We all make mistakes and it’s the owning up to that which is important. I will admit that I’ve made mistakes in the past and I am quite happy to own that. It’s when other people spread gossip or rumours which can result you not only finding  out things about yourself you never knew before, but it may also make you feel angry as people may believe things about you that aren’t wholly the case. To add to that, it may not be appropriate to put the story straight either and so th saga continues.

This is why I mentioned about having a strong sense of self because no matter what, I’m sure people will talk about whatever you have been involved in at some point. It hurts to think that people have a different perception about you, but if you know the truth deep down you shouldn’t have to justify it. You know what has really happened and I feel if people took the time of day to use their ears more than their mouth then people would take the time to understand the truth behind some of the stories they hear. Of course this is easier said than done because sometimes what people hear is taken as gospel and that can causes issues with careers and relationships, for example.

At the end of the day, you have the same right to be on this planet as anyone else and you shouldn’t have to prove yourself to people just because someone’s heard something down the line. As long as you know yourself deep down, that’s what matters.

I feel numb

Depression is an odd thing sometimes, isn’t it? Sometimes you feel like you’re battling against the world and then the next thing you know, you can’t feel anything at all.

I think the issue I face the most is my depression and the constant battle with my medication. I remember when I was just beginning to face my difficulties with depression and anxiety and I could feel every tingle in my body and urge to run. I can also remember some days when I did feel genuinely happy. But as my condition got worse, the more the depression engulfed me to the point I could no longer live without at least giving medication a try. 

As I have mentioned in the past, medication for me was a miracle and almost seven years later, I still have a daily dosage. It helped to level me out to a point whereby I could begin to function again in daily life, but it also made me feel numb in way that depression couldn’t. I feel used to my mood and understanding myself by now, but as a result of my medication for my depression I never seem to reach the extremes of any emotion. I guess that’s a consequence I have to face, otherwise I’m sure I would be feeling the very depths of depression and that’s not a risk I can take.

I’m not sure that I’ve needed my medication for a very long time, but I haven’t found a good place where I am able to come off of it. There’s always work in the way and the concern that I would spiral, but I like to think that I understand what triggers me and what doesn’t these days. I do dream of a day when I can feel the depths of love, happiness and excitement, not at the expense of my mental illness and I am pretty sure I will be able to do that soon, which is an exciting prospect. It would almost be like taking off a mask.

There are still a few occasions where I will feel numb in times of great stress and life events and that’s not something that medication could ever solve. I cannot expect for that to be something that my medication could handle when my external environment also changes. There are also times when certain triggers of mine with still wreck havoc regardless of anything I’m taking and that usually won’t be numbness, but rather feeling the whole world and loss of coping.

Numbness is something that anyone can deal with, whether that’s through grief of shock. It’s perhaps even more so if you have depression as a condition as it can be your body’s way of protecting itself from further harm. What people forget is that the brain is just as important as the rest of the body and needs armour sometimes too. When you become numb, it’s your body’s way of stopping any more stress from takings it’s toll. Perhaps even repeated traumatic situations will lead you to become numb to a particular area, causing you difficulty to connect with others. But as I’ve also discussed, numbness can also be in every emotion you feel and it’s certaintly something I feel on a regular basis. It’s almost as if I can only reach eighty percent of an emotion, as long as what I’m facing on the outside isn’t severely triggering. But sometimes you have to understand that it’s a balance and a compromise and a journey that does get easier over time.

Cognital behaviour therapy

I know the phrase sounds scary, but the therapy itself is not. 

I often get asked what therapy and counselling I have had which has helped me through my anxiety and depression. One of the most successful therapies has been CBT or cognital behaviour therapy.

CBT is a form of therapy which has the aim of changing the way in which your brain reacts to certain situations; allowing you to have emotional regulation where you might not have had it before. In other words, if you have a specific phobia that causes your anxiety, this therapy would aim in helping you to change your reaction to it in order to deal with it in the future. Your reaction may not be a conscious choice and so it will attempt to rewire how you would subconsciously react to it.

I first came into contact with CBT when I was an outpatient of the NHS. At the time I had severe anxiety, meaning that I could hardly leave the house and wasn’t going to school. I was requested to make a list of what caused me the least anxiety to what triggered me the most. If I remember correctly, I put catching a bus at the bottom and getting a job as the most severe. Over many months and working with my therapist, I repeatedly put myself in the situations that were causing me anxiety and over time, with the more exposure I had, the less anxious I became.

It does seem very black and white, but the process of exposure isn’t a very straightforward one. Some days you’ll be able to handle a situation and then the next you won’t. But it’s all about having the will power to work through and not give up, or else you’ll find the therapy won’t work.

I was often given worksheets which I would have to fill out before every situation I felt anxious for. I would rate how I was feeling before and how it actually went afterwards. I delved into the reasons why I felt that way and whether it was a rational thought. Over time, your brain rewires it’s reactions. All of my triggers once gave me so much anxiety that I would have panic attacks and all the symptoms that came with it. But through the intense one to one therapy I now don’t even give any of these scenarios a second thought...amazing!

CBT isn’t for everyone, but it does take immense effort for it to work, so you should ensure to give it some time before no longer engaging. You’ll find that the therapy is available on the NHS and privately, if you’re interested. Still to this day, I honestly believe that this was one of the greatest stepping stones I have undertaken in my progress to better mental health. It might not be for everyone but it’s certainly worth a try.