Dear Anxiety,
How quickly you've grown.
I remember your birth. I was confused by your arrival yet my
mind accepted you - with no input from me. You were an extrovert in the early
stages of life: not present during the day but made sure you were home at night.
My pillow became your pillow, I began sharing the sheets
with you, less so because I wanted to and more so because you'd refuse to sleep
without me next to you. You were becoming too comfortable and I couldn't figure
out how to ask you to leave. An unwelcome stay which turned my home into a
prison and my body into its' amusement park.
As you matured your interests broadened - it made time for
me difficult to say the least. I would try to sit down for a minute and relax
but you'd become hyperactive in times of silence. You'd cry for attention if I
ever tried to ignore you. In the unlikely moment of clarity, where the fog of
your presence had lifted, I felt whole again. I felt as if I could remember the
importance of caring for me without also worrying about your needs.
Your need for me became an unhealthy obsession. Despite you
being ever-present in my mind, I never noticed your insatiable appetite for
destruction. I always blamed myself for cancelling dinners, re-arranging plans
or for not picking up the phone: I was too frightened of what my friends would
think of you. I never stopped to realize that you deceived me. Your viscous
lies were the catalyst to my downfall but I couldn't let you go. You were so
deep-rooted in my flesh, my veins and my thoughts that you and I were no longer
two separate entities.
I always put you first. Why didn't you ever take me into
consideration?
By this point, nothing else had purpose in my life. You were
always around: at work, in the car, in the park and in my bed. It took away all
my energy coping with you, day-in and day-out, you were draining me of all that
was good. I accepted the fact that my life would never be normal without you in
it. I think you knew that too.
I remember the day when I considered talking to somebody
about you. Despite your attempts to dissuade me from ever opening my mouth
about our time together, I had to take a chance. I wasn't afraid of your temper
anymore, I could deal with the repercussions: whatever they may have been.
I let the phrase 'I
need help, please, can you help me understand...' leave my lips. It felt
like barbed-wire was being pulled from the pit of my stomach, up through my
throat, out through my mouth: cutting everything on its way out. You, my dear
friend, displayed your anger in full-force that day.
You made sure that my heart raced, so that my words stumbled
in hopes that I would lose my breath and succumb to your rage.
I finally knew who my unwanted guest was. It turned out you
have many forms and frequently visit other people to make them feel like me.
All this time, you made me feel alone. You made me feel
isolated: like I wasn't normal. And just like a rebellious teenager, I began
ignoring your instructions, I started fighting back - I believed in myself.
The more I fought back, the more I started enjoying
normality, the less power you had over me. I would put myself through
excruciating pain by doing all the things you prevented me from doing: you made
everything difficult for me, but that didn't matter. Your stay was coming to an
end and you fucking knew it.
Over an 18-month period we wrestled nearly every day but I
grew stronger after every throw-down. Confidence began to replace the fear in
my stomach, my smile began to replace the tears and the separation between us
was becoming a reality. I knew that I was worth more and that you were not
forever, I determine when you're welcome: not you. Not anymore.
It's funny - as you packed your bags and left - I felt
thankful for you. You taught me so much about strength, about appreciating life
for what it is and for showing me courage that I never thought I had.
I have no regrets about letting you in, I am not ashamed
that I looked for help and I'm proud of the experiences we shared together.
Without you, my old friend, I wouldn't be the determined, compassionate and
understanding man that I am today.
You visit me far less frequently these days and you often
only stay the night. The next time you decide to stay, you'll find this note. A
note commending you for your efforts and thanking you for your tremendous
ability to bring the best out of me.
I will always speak about you now. I'll make sure more
people know about our time together - the good and the bad.
For now, I'll end this note with a thank you. You will be
remembered.
Yours sincerely,
Ryan
@NoMoreGremlins
@NoMoreGremlins
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