A story for the lost

After what felt like the longest and harshest winter of my life, it finally came to an end and I found myself regaining my control. The grey had gone and I could divide between the black and white. Just as I realised this, everything came crashing down and I felt like I was in the depths of winter, again. I guess that was because I am feeling so vulnerable, which is something I always have been; what we all are. I only have a tiny plaster struggling to fix the wound and not stitches, from the conditions I faced. I have many strong parts of me which I have undoubtable control over and which I once succumbed to. But now I have this one hole left which keeps getting deeper and trying to close it is like chasing the end of the sea.

I’m tired. I’m tired of not knowing myself anymore, which is a far cry from anything I’ve ever known. I could be floating in zero gravity and everything I reach is always too far away. The closer it gets the more I become frightened and I either don’t want to reach out or feel that if I do, I’ll lose the last bit of self I have. I can’t be truthful to me and I always drown in guilt because others don't need to feel the pain like I am.

I can’t wait for the day for it to be over and to know if it’s not love, it will be a lesson. But the pain of a lesson is sometimes too much to bare, especially for someone as fragile. 

I can’t change it. It is how it is, it’s just about how I reach the destination and somehow enjoy the ride without putting myself in danger whilst I only feel a shell of my body. Waiting for happiness is pointless, so enjoying what we have is key. But it’s hard when there’s always a dark cloud over you and a ray of sunshine over everyone else.

But amongst it all, I want an answer. Feelings have no time limit, but with no time limit comes pain and loss because humans aren’t immortal. The more I think the more I drown. The more I think, the more I lose. If the universe takes over then I will be sad, but just as sad as if I am to make my own uncertain choice. Pain is inevitable, but when I am so vulnerable I cling onto a cliff face because it’s the last thing I have before I fall and I know I shouldn't and I should pull myself up and over the top.

Time will pass and life will go on. It’s not going to stop, just for me. It’s down to me to make the choices that I know that I want and will make me happy. The rest? Well I’m hoping that will just unfold alongside the pressure that I put on it. We are all going to feel pain either way, but it’s how we react to it that matters. 

I am me and that's my power.