Letting go

One of my worst traits. My biggest trigger. My hardest challenge.

Letting go is always hard no matter who you are or what you have been through. There may be many reasons why you have to let go; because they move on without you, life is taking its natural course, toxicity or because it's what you have to do to stay alive even if letting go is the last thing you want to do.

I've had to let go of many things in my life or should I say people. Material things don't hold that much importance.

As a child I let go of friends and family; not that I wanted to of course. At that age you just see it is as part of life; a grieving process and something that cannot be helped. As I grew older not everything followed a natural course and at one point I lost the family unit that every child feels safe in. It was from then when letting go became really hard and torturous. We all internalise things in different ways and it left me feeling as if I could die when I let go and in some respects it still does today.

Ever since that point I've lost many people. I've lost teachers who gave me life lessons I will always carry with me and family and pets that understood me like no-one else could. But even though they may not be present they are still with me in the decisions I make. Everyone is a lesson.

Recently I've been faced with so much loss that I had almost let go of myself. A lot of the time, I still feel this way. The people I hold so close to my heart had to leave or are in the process of doing so and it's heart-wrenching and hell-like. I find myself spending a lot of time in my bed with what feels like a bullet wound in my chest. My eyes burn with the lack of sleep and nightmares and trying to work efficiently is tough. I don't talk about my loss in perhaps the way I should because most of the time I don't even understand the feelings myself and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. People always say that there comes time where you become numb or can look back at past events and not feel like it's debilitating. One day I hope I can be like that.

Sometimes loss is our choice  and sometimes it isn't, but regardless the pain can be the same. You shouldn't need to speak openly for people to realise how deep the pain of loss is. It can create torturous pain which can present itself to the world in uncharasmastic ways; you can look selfish or as if you don't care, when the exact opposite can be true. Remember that assumptions in times of loss can be so dangerous and you should always ask someone to find out the truth; always let them share their story of loss because sometimes we can get things wrong and we can be angry and nasty because of their reactive actions. Loss is not a simple process and sometimes an apology when we get things wrong is all they need because you never know how close to the edge they are. Loss can be a truly difficult time.

One day I want to be able to look back with joy, with the happiness of the good memories and not feel death where there is no grief. I don't want to keep feeling like I've got weights in my shoes and having thoughts go round in my head forever until I've lost my sanity. I don't want to be in denial and then feel anger and not being able to act how I want because of the pain I feel. I don't want to worry about what my future is going to be like without them and how I will cope. But I know that one day I will be able to look forward to the next day and have restful sleep. I will have fondness in my heart and love and as long as I know the feelings that I have are true, even though I cannot act on them, does not give me anything to be ashamed of. Those feelings can never be taken away from me no matter what actions are in the present.

...and one day, the loss will not longer feel like you've lost yourself and leave you wanting to lose your life. It will leave you with the will to breathe.