Year in Review 2019

This year as with the last, have been the hardest couple of years since I began my journey of mental illness when I was seventeen...albeit this year has been slightly better than the last.

I entered this year doing my dream job and moving flats so I am closer to work which gave me a much safer and shorter commute! I also get to enjoy London which I only dreamt of as a child. I have had accomplishments in my job, but also failures. It is what it is and it is definitely building my resilience. I know that it may take me longer to get to where I need to be and that's okay; some people are better at things than others. My new place still isn't much for what I have to pay, but it allows me to save up for a place of my own and in the meantime I have added my little touches to make it the best I can. I also got a new car which I had dreamt of as a child whilst still looking after my twenty year old model from my childhood. I have also been lucky enough to travel to two of my places on my bucket list this year; Australia and America. I feel very blessed.

I have made a few good friends too by stepping outside of my comfort zone and I am hoping to continue to make more next year before I eventually move jobs (maybe!)

I lost a pet this year and I feel I am soon to lose another and albeit they are small, they give me just as much love as any other animal could. Family illnesses have continued and it has been touch and go at some points and still is, which is bringing me into unchartered territory. I have always grown up having an ill family member, but this time around the options are getting thinner on the ground. I have also felt heartbreak over and over again and it is still one of the most painful things I have felt; it is grief. It has taught me that people can show you some very special things that you couldn't see before you met them and everyone has something to bring to your life. Those who are special will always remain special to you, no matter how near or far or whom they are with. It brings great sadness, but it also is a great teacher. I didn't realise until now that your heart could continuously ache for such a long time...

I have built so much strength this year and at many times I have reached the lowest point that I could possibly go. Pure loneliness and heartache and not being able to express it either. Confusion, suicidal thoughts and self harm, trying to heal versus wanting to talk to others and feeling as if I could never make it out alive..it's been a tough one. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect, but looking back to this time last year, I have grown.

Time and space is still the best healer I know. Also, civility.

I hope that next year I continue to progress in my career, save or find somewhere to live and continue to listen to myself to ensure I understand my decisions fully. Only you know you. I hope that health and happiness surrounds myself and those around me because grief really is the worst pain.