Guest post: Ryan

Dear Anxiety,

How quickly you've grown.

I remember your birth. I was confused by your arrival yet my mind accepted you - with no input from me. You were an extrovert in the early stages of life: not present during the day but made sure you were home at night.

My pillow became your pillow, I began sharing the sheets with you, less so because I wanted to and more so because you'd refuse to sleep without me next to you. You were becoming too comfortable and I couldn't figure out how to ask you to leave. An unwelcome stay which turned my home into a prison and my body into its' amusement park.

As you matured your interests broadened - it made time for me difficult to say the least. I would try to sit down for a minute and relax but you'd become hyperactive in times of silence. You'd cry for attention if I ever tried to ignore you. In the unlikely moment of clarity, where the fog of your presence had lifted, I felt whole again. I felt as if I could remember the importance of caring for me without also worrying about your needs.

Your need for me became an unhealthy obsession. Despite you being ever-present in my mind, I never noticed your insatiable appetite for destruction. I always blamed myself for cancelling dinners, re-arranging plans or for not picking up the phone: I was too frightened of what my friends would think of you. I never stopped to realize that you deceived me. Your viscous lies were the catalyst to my downfall but I couldn't let you go. You were so deep-rooted in my flesh, my veins and my thoughts that you and I were no longer two separate entities.

I always put you first. Why didn't you ever take me into consideration?

By this point, nothing else had purpose in my life. You were always around: at work, in the car, in the park and in my bed. It took away all my energy coping with you, day-in and day-out, you were draining me of all that was good. I accepted the fact that my life would never be normal without you in it. I think you knew that too.

I remember the day when I considered talking to somebody about you. Despite your attempts to dissuade me from ever opening my mouth about our time together, I had to take a chance. I wasn't afraid of your temper anymore, I could deal with the repercussions: whatever they may have been.

I let the phrase 'I need help, please, can you help me understand...' leave my lips. It felt like barbed-wire was being pulled from the pit of my stomach, up through my throat, out through my mouth: cutting everything on its way out. You, my dear friend, displayed your anger in full-force that day.

You made sure that my heart raced, so that my words stumbled in hopes that I would lose my breath and succumb to your rage.

I finally knew who my unwanted guest was. It turned out you have many forms and frequently visit other people to make them feel like me.

All this time, you made me feel alone. You made me feel isolated: like I wasn't normal. And just like a rebellious teenager, I began ignoring your instructions, I started fighting back - I believed in myself.

The more I fought back, the more I started enjoying normality, the less power you had over me. I would put myself through excruciating pain by doing all the things you prevented me from doing: you made everything difficult for me, but that didn't matter. Your stay was coming to an end and you fucking knew it.

Over an 18-month period we wrestled nearly every day but I grew stronger after every throw-down. Confidence began to replace the fear in my stomach, my smile began to replace the tears and the separation between us was becoming a reality. I knew that I was worth more and that you were not forever, I determine when you're welcome: not you. Not anymore.

It's funny - as you packed your bags and left - I felt thankful for you. You taught me so much about strength, about appreciating life for what it is and for showing me courage that I never thought I had.

I have no regrets about letting you in, I am not ashamed that I looked for help and I'm proud of the experiences we shared together. Without you, my old friend, I wouldn't be the determined, compassionate and understanding man that I am today.

You visit me far less frequently these days and you often only stay the night. The next time you decide to stay, you'll find this note. A note commending you for your efforts and thanking you for your tremendous ability to bring the best out of me.

I will always speak about you now. I'll make sure more people know about our time together - the good and the bad.

For now, I'll end this note with a thank you. You will be remembered.

Yours sincerely,

Ryan
@NoMoreGremlins

Dear YOU

A letter to you, if you are struggling. It may be triggering, so please don't read if you think it may be.

Dear You,

I am writing this to you because I know you are severely struggling with your mental health and you just can't seem to find the effort to get better. All I want to do is put my arms around you and tell you everything will be okay because I was once in the same place. I had nothing in my life that I wanted to live for and I had no energy to spend on what might be or what could be, but on simply the inhale and exhale of my breath.

I am writing this to you because I too have wanted to die. I too have harmed myself, I too didn't want to let people down anymore and I too didn't see the point in living. But I also am here writing this for a more important reason than to just to relate our pasts together, but to explain to you a future because not every illness of the mind is the same, but the outcome can always be changed in some way and somehow.

I am writing this to you because I know that you also can make it to a better place, to a better life and time where the sun shines brightly through your window and the breeze flows through your hair when breathing is second nature. I once felt that when reading something like this, it didn't always change my outlook because my lack of hope at a tomorrow was not something that could be changed through reading words on a page. But, this is why I want these words to stand out like a sunflower amongst roses, like capital letters on a screen, and like blood, sweat and tears on a table. Because I know that this is what it takes to live with these conditons. I know it takes every inch of you and your body to keep going when there is just nothing left to give. But the body is not made to let go easily, it is made to survive. When we get cut, we heal over and when our mind is unbalanced, our body will fight to understand the truth. These words might just be another empty page to you, but I hope you will take every letter and hold onto them like your heart tries to keep beating because if I could be there in person to tell you that you do have the strength and capability to have a life worth living, and be by your side, I would.

For now I just pray that the words resinate. I hope you feel the truth that I speak of and the stories I tell, and that you too can come from a place of pain, to a place of happiness. It's not going to be easy. It is going to take a lot of willpower, which I understand you feel you may not have. But, deep down, we all do. I know that I surprised myself that I am still here in flesh and blood, today. It's going to take time to find the right person to listen to you, but don't give up because you'll find the fitting piece and jigsaw will become whole. 

I am writing this to you because I know how important life is, and how important you are to life. I am writing this to you because I know you can get better. I am writing this to you because I know you have the strength to fight and that is why I took the time to write, because life has better days which may just be around the corner.

 

3 tips to stop irrational thoughts

I'm no expert, but I have picked up some tips over the years which have helped me to control my irrational fears and thoughts. After all, anxiety is mainly caused by the irrational fears that float through our heads. Below I have listed my personal top tips to try and stop irrational thoughts in their tracks:

1. Before and after - this was a CBT technique that I was taught. Still to this day, I struggle with health anxiety and even asking for things. To overcome such irrational thoughts that I would become ill with eating certain foods, or do something utterly stupid when I asked for something, I first wrote down before what I thought would happen if I was to ask for something, or to eat something and give it a rating out of ten as to how anxious it made me. After the event, I would then write down how it actually went and an anxiety raiting out of ten. It made me realise that we often think things to be worse than they actually are. 

2. Mindfulness - I bet you hear this everywhere, right? But it can help. Mindfulness helps to clear your mind and just focus on the here are now to bring your anxieties down calmly. if you feel that your head is racing away, try some simple breathing techniques and focusing your mind to one place.

3. Reality - often it's hard to split what is rational from what is irrational. But, if we really take the time to think about the scenario, we will often find that the chances of the dreaded situation happening is few and far between. If I eat a yoghurt, the chances of me becoming ill from it, is very slim and if I ask for something and stutter, the ground isn't going to fall from beneath my feet. No one is perfect, and yet we expect ourselves to act in that way. This is simply not the case; we all stutter and make mistakes. It's all part of being human.

I know it's not easy as the battle in our minds can be a huge challenge. But with time and will power you will be able to see the difference.

Best Wishes,