My whole life I have been someone who strives for perfection. I want to be the best, I want be pushing limits of my potential, to be the first out of my group to achieve my goals...but unfortunately that's not quite how life works.
I have put endless pressure on myself over the years to try and be the best and I guess it has allowed me to push myself to get better results, but even with those results and goals that I should be proud of, it was never good enough. There was always someone else out there that I knew that was doing better.
I've written about this before and it used to really get to me - how with all the effort I was putting in, could I not be at the same level as other people? It still can get to me now but not as much as it used to. I guess I've finally come to a realisation that the competition I've put myself in, isn't a fair one. This is because everyone doesn't have the same starting line and to try and work to the bone to reach those who have had a head start is damaging and not even fair to myself.
For a long time I felt that my life needed to be in a rush because of the feeling that we only have so much time on this earth, that life is short and I need to achieve as much as I can in such little time. And whilst this may be true, to not waste your life and achieve what you can when you can, I cannot expect myself to be on the same page as everyone else.
Because what am I rushing myself for? The choices other people have made and what I see as major achievements, may not beneficial to me because it may not be the best thing for me to fast forward and reach all of my goals quickly. It may actually be more detrimental to me, but that doesn't mean that I'm a failure.
In context, I'm twenty-three and saving up for a mortgage and I'd say that's one of my biggest pressures alongside relationships and for some my age, they have a mortgage and are engaged and seem like they have their life together. I often ask myself why isn't that me when I've worked so hard? And then I realised, if we don't all have the same start line, and we're all different, individual, different DNA, different family backgrounds and different goals we want from life, then it's stupid to expect that someone so different is going to reach each milestone at the same time. It's pretty much impossible. Even more so, it may not even be what's right for me at the time, or even what I want. So should I be achieving these things just for the sake of it, if it doesn't even feel right?
What I know is that I can only control my actions and my environment and not others. No one is the same and therefore we can't expect our journeys to be the same. The competition that we are pitching ourselves in, is biased and unfair. The only competition should be within ourselves, to achieve the best out of us and what we want, or else you'd end up living someone else life and that could only lead to unhappiness. Yes, jealousy may still exist but you must do what is right for you and it will happen at your own pace. No one else is in your shoes and people certainly won't stop progressing in their life just for you. It's when you relieve the pressure and realise there is in fact no rush to beat everyone else, but to just focus on getting the best out of yourself that you can find some peace.
No one ever told me that the heart could be smashed to pieces,
ripped and torn apart,
stopped and shanked,
and yet keep beating without warning.
No one ever told me that it was possible for the heart to be so damaged,
that even the brain couldn't confound whether it was going to go cold,
but still be breathing,
and yet feel like it's dying.
No one ever told me that the brain and the heart weren't best friends,
that it's a trap,
a marriage that ends in divorce,
because that's not what I heard waiver into my dreams from my bedtime stories...
It sends emotions that run through your veins,
leaving you paralysed in your touch,
being left with a shallow shell,
absence of warmth.
It's being sick to your stomach,
wanting your aching heart to come and give you relief,
it's wondering how it has the strength to carry on,
when your eyes close in front of elation.
Now, I hear myself thinking how can I survive without a beating heart?
One that has escaped its cage,
an empty stomach,
and no bright light of life,
But i'm still here and I don't know how,
there is nothing worse than this feeling,
perhaps what its like to be on the edge and cry,
but my heart still beats as I wave goodbye.
Dear S,
You've helped me in so many ways I cannot begin to tell you. I've seen a lot of counsellors and therapists over the years and each one has brought something different to the table to help me along on my journey. Sometimes it worked and they helped me to overcome some anxieties, but other times it had no benefit to me at all.
I first met you when I was in the midst of a huge change, when I'd only recently begun to be able to catch public transport again and was slowly rebuilding my life. I was fragile and severely sick but for the first time I had someone outside of my family who understood me, who clicked with me and gave me explanations as to why I felt and was acting in such ways.
It's been four years since then...and it's gone so fast. There were a lot of moments in the those past years where I didn't think I'd even make it to today. I remember our first session, where you asked me to explain my life and I soon realised I had a lot of trauma and underlying issues that hadn't even been touched upon by previous counsellors. You started from the very beginning and delved deep to rebuild my foundations.
Looking back to the beginning, we were talking about my first year of university exams and how scared I was, as well as taking driving lessons, the fear of going back home, how I couldn't get taxis and found relationships really hard and now I'm sharing my stories with you from my new career. Who would believe it?!
You've been there during some of the most difficult times in my life, someone to turn to when no one else would understand, giving me explanations to set me free from the traps in my mind and allowing to have the "oh wow, I finally understand, I get it" moments! You help give me sense of clarity, understand my worth and given me the power that allows me to overcome and progress in the most challenging times.
You have had such a positive impact on my life, a hand to hold when I needed it and a huge support and encouragement - so thank you.
If I had anything else to add to this letter, it's to reach out to others to given the encouragement to get counselling and therapy as it can give you the help you need that you wouldn't have otherwise been able to reach on your own. Keep searching until you find the person that fits you.
Because what am I rushing myself for? The choices other people have made and what I see as major achievements, may not beneficial to me because it may not be the best thing for me to fast forward and reach all of my goals quickly. It may actually be more detrimental to me, but that doesn't mean that I'm a failure.
