A story for the lost

After what felt like the longest and harshest winter of my life, it finally came to an end and I found myself regaining my control. The grey had gone and I could divide between the black and white. Just as I realised this, everything came crashing down and I felt like I was in the depths of winter, again. I guess that was because I am feeling so vulnerable, which is something I always have been; what we all are. I only have a tiny plaster struggling to fix the wound and not stitches, from the conditions I faced. I have many strong parts of me which I have undoubtable control over and which I once succumbed to. But now I have this one hole left which keeps getting deeper and trying to close it is like chasing the end of the sea.

I’m tired. I’m tired of not knowing myself anymore, which is a far cry from anything I’ve ever known. I could be floating in zero gravity and everything I reach is always too far away. The closer it gets the more I become frightened and I either don’t want to reach out or feel that if I do, I’ll lose the last bit of self I have. I can’t be truthful to me and I always drown in guilt because others don't need to feel the pain like I am.

I can’t wait for the day for it to be over and to know if it’s not love, it will be a lesson. But the pain of a lesson is sometimes too much to bare, especially for someone as fragile. 

I can’t change it. It is how it is, it’s just about how I reach the destination and somehow enjoy the ride without putting myself in danger whilst I only feel a shell of my body. Waiting for happiness is pointless, so enjoying what we have is key. But it’s hard when there’s always a dark cloud over you and a ray of sunshine over everyone else.

But amongst it all, I want an answer. Feelings have no time limit, but with no time limit comes pain and loss because humans aren’t immortal. The more I think the more I drown. The more I think, the more I lose. If the universe takes over then I will be sad, but just as sad as if I am to make my own uncertain choice. Pain is inevitable, but when I am so vulnerable I cling onto a cliff face because it’s the last thing I have before I fall and I know I shouldn't and I should pull myself up and over the top.

Time will pass and life will go on. It’s not going to stop, just for me. It’s down to me to make the choices that I know that I want and will make me happy. The rest? Well I’m hoping that will just unfold alongside the pressure that I put on it. We are all going to feel pain either way, but it’s how we react to it that matters. 

I am me and that's my power.

Abandonment is going to kill me

This is how I feel; that being abandoned is going to leave me unable to cope and live which was born when I went from a stable household as a child, to one that was no longer. I began to develop a negative behaviour that I didn't know really existed until last year - my fear that I will not be able to function if someone just disappears from my life.

I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser, but in my very young years I would make sure that I would do everything in my power to not upset people and if I did, accidentally, then my world felt like it had been turned upside down and I would need to do anything to bring back the equilibrium. Once I had gone over and beyond to make sure that the person understood that my actions were not intentional and we became friends again, I was happy and I could cope. But when I began to experience a person of great trust, at the time when I was just at the end of primary school life, was leading a different life as well as leaving my life, my life changed before my eyes. I could't understand why it was happening, but I was angry more than I wanted the person to stay. In fact, I wanted them to go and never see them again, at the time. I'm glad to say that now, through lots of hard work I don't let that side plague me as much anymore. What it did create however, was the biggest mental health trigger that I have and one which I only really discovered last year. That is; abandonment.  I developed a huge, almost irrational fear that if someone extremely important to me, leaves then I will be unable to cope. I believe this attached itself to my younger self's need to keep the equilibrium between people and that's why it became one big difficultly for myself.

I experienced something last year, which brought this abandonment fear to the surface. I didn't really know that it was something that I needed to deal with until then. The feelings that resulted from that experience were strong and powerful. It took over my mental and physical capabilities and I'm not sure I have felt something so overwhelmingly powerful since my phobia of school, but I guess if I didn't experience the fear then, it would've caught up with me eventually and I would've had to deal with it at some point. It was always hiding in plain sight. At the time, I felt like I couldn't cope as it was such a strong automatic reaction. Even trying to practice self-care was hard and working through daily life, but slowly over time it got easier until one day the abandonment hole was filled and that's when I felt I could cope again.

Throughout the year following, I had worked really hard to overcome the fear of abandonment in such a way that I can appreciate that it is there and know that I am going to experience it a lot throughout my life, but it is something that I can cope with, rather than die of. Believe it or not, the thought that I wasn't able to survive as a result of abandonment was a huge thing to rationalise and something that I can still feel to the core of me, today. It's like an automatic switch where I get taken to a place of not being able to function and feeling like I can't live. It lives alongside the fact, that the reason I avoid abandonment is because I'm so strongly taken back to such a traumatic painful period in my childhood, that I couldn't rationalise at that age, which now lives in my sub-conscious. Now I can understand the situation with a more adult mindset. My counsellor taught me that we have two parts of us and maybe more; but there is an adult side and child side. The things we experience as children, affect us as adults as they tend to stay in our subconscious and become normal parts of our actions that we don't even second guess. But, it's recognising when there is an an unhelpful behaviour that you learnt as a child and becoming the adult to look after this part of you; so you can overcome it and be the hand to hold, that the child always wanted.

I still have a long way to go and I know that abandonment is still my biggest trigger and can still put me into a huge downward spiral. But instead of running back to the easiest known path, like a racing pigeon does to get home, I have to take a step back, evaluate the situation in all in its glory and maybe take the route which is not as comfortable, but one that will help me to get through this big trigger, like I have done with other situations that used to terrify me. The thought of abandonment may put me further into my shell when communicating with people, with the thought at the back of my head that I don't want to go through the pain of abandonment if I can help it, but I know that if is going to help me on my mental health journey, it is something that I need to do.

Mental illness is NOT an excuse.

Mental illness is not an excuse. How many times have you heard that?


If you don't turn up to work, you're lazy.
If you're not listening, you're rude.
If you're short tempered, you're selfish.
If you don't want to go out, you're boring.
If you're upset, you're sensitive. 

...and in many situations in life, that may well be the case. But mental illness can make us come across in particular ways but are actually symptoms of the illness we are dealing with.

Many years ago when I couldn't go to school, I remember being called lazy because I never attended when in fact I was in the midst of severe anxiety and depression. Rather than Mental illness being an invalid excuse, it is in fact a valid reason. 

If I don't turn up to work, I'm actually struggling with depression and I'm not lazy.
If I'm not listening, I'm dissociating and I promise I'm not intentionally being rude.
If I'm short tempered, I didn't get any sleep because of my depression and I'm stressed.
If I don't want to go out, it's because I can't move my legs due to my anxiety.
If I'm upset, it's because I am feeling hopeless and suicidal.

On the other end of the spectrum, mental illness really isn't just an excuse. Mental illness isn't just something you can pluck out of thin air and use as an excuse to some of your negative actions. Regardless of whether you have mental illness or not, being intentionally selfish or rude is not something you can support by the fact that you have a mental illness. I In the same way, every time you are sad or angry doesn't necessarily mean it's related to your depression, it could simply be part of a normal human emotion.

Similarly, using conditions in relation to mental illness as adjectives for a reason as to why you are acting in a particular way isn't appropriate either. It can invalidate others' experiences and also make it harder for people to be open as more people will view mental illness are crying wolf rather than seeing it as a real, pertinent issue. If you really feel that you are going through a difficult experience and are struggling with your mental health, going to the doctors is the forward step.

Remember to be proud of who you are and the conditions you deal with. Never feel ashamed if your mental illness is making you come across in a particular way because those who understand will know that it is just part of the symptoms of your conditions.