Being treated like s**t!

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’ - Eleanor Roosevelt.

I’ve never really been a person whom has taken the thoughts of others to heart as I have always had a sense of self that was strong enough for it to not let it make me feel any different about myself. It would affect me to an extent, but I could always rationalise it with the morals that I was brought up with, that I have the same right to be on this planet as anyone else, so what makes anyone better than me or in turn, me better than anyone else? We are all cut from the same cloth and although people have different starts in life and challenges, in principle it makes them no better.

Recently, I have found myself feeling very vulnerable for probably the first time in my life. It’s knocked my solid grounding that I feel that I have managed to stable myself upon because everything takes just that little bit more work and everything that happens, makes you just that bit more sensitive. But, it’s how I go from feeling vulnerable to my old self of strength and how I handle the challenges that I face without being triggered into a downfall.

Amongst it all the core remains the same in all of us, is that you have worth. And at different points in our lives, we may feel that to be stronger or weaker. We will meet people throughout life who will try and make you feel small and will try to make themselves feel better. What you have to remember, is that by doing that they are inadvertently telling you that they are insecure about themselves. If you keep that in mind, you may be able to understand why they are acting towards you in such a manner.

Being vulnerable can make you feel like giving up and just putting up with other people’s detrimental behaviour, but at the end of the day, people know what they’re doing in their actions. Mistakes happen, but as the saying goes, never let someone fool you twice. It’s about recognising the behaviour and as hard as it is not to take it to heart, it’s important to keep that sense of self worth. At the end of the day, you should never let anyone treat you like shit.

If you have given someone your all and they don’t give anything back, you don’t need it. If they are not making the effort to contact you as much as you are them, move on. If they decide to take a pop at who you are as a person, get rid of them. Of course, there can be reasons why some people come across in such a way, and if there is a valid reason why, dig into it. Otherwise you do not need such toxicity and people wasting your time. It’s hard though, I know, because we like to hold onto excitement and people’s company but if it’s more bad than good, then it’s not worth it. You know who you are and if people are not respecting or willing to be a part of that, it’s ok - we’re not always going to get on with everyone. But it’s their loss, if you’ve done your bit. You’re worth so much more than being second best. Second best is not good enough, move on and move on up.

Don’t put up with it.

A story for the lost

After what felt like the longest and harshest winter of my life, it finally came to an end and I found myself regaining my control. The grey had gone and I could divide between the black and white. Just as I realised this, everything came crashing down and I felt like I was in the depths of winter, again. I guess that was because I am feeling so vulnerable, which is something I always have been; what we all are. I only have a tiny plaster struggling to fix the wound and not stitches, from the conditions I faced. I have many strong parts of me which I have undoubtable control over and which I once succumbed to. But now I have this one hole left which keeps getting deeper and trying to close it is like chasing the end of the sea.

I’m tired. I’m tired of not knowing myself anymore, which is a far cry from anything I’ve ever known. I could be floating in zero gravity and everything I reach is always too far away. The closer it gets the more I become frightened and I either don’t want to reach out or feel that if I do, I’ll lose the last bit of self I have. I can’t be truthful to me and I always drown in guilt because others don't need to feel the pain like I am.

I can’t wait for the day for it to be over and to know if it’s not love, it will be a lesson. But the pain of a lesson is sometimes too much to bare, especially for someone as fragile. 

I can’t change it. It is how it is, it’s just about how I reach the destination and somehow enjoy the ride without putting myself in danger whilst I only feel a shell of my body. Waiting for happiness is pointless, so enjoying what we have is key. But it’s hard when there’s always a dark cloud over you and a ray of sunshine over everyone else.

But amongst it all, I want an answer. Feelings have no time limit, but with no time limit comes pain and loss because humans aren’t immortal. The more I think the more I drown. The more I think, the more I lose. If the universe takes over then I will be sad, but just as sad as if I am to make my own uncertain choice. Pain is inevitable, but when I am so vulnerable I cling onto a cliff face because it’s the last thing I have before I fall and I know I shouldn't and I should pull myself up and over the top.

Time will pass and life will go on. It’s not going to stop, just for me. It’s down to me to make the choices that I know that I want and will make me happy. The rest? Well I’m hoping that will just unfold alongside the pressure that I put on it. We are all going to feel pain either way, but it’s how we react to it that matters. 

I am me and that's my power.

Abandonment is going to kill me

This is how I feel; that being abandoned is going to leave me unable to cope and live which was born when I went from a stable household as a child, to one that was no longer. I began to develop a negative behaviour that I didn't know really existed until last year - my fear that I will not be able to function if someone just disappears from my life.

I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser, but in my very young years I would make sure that I would do everything in my power to not upset people and if I did, accidentally, then my world felt like it had been turned upside down and I would need to do anything to bring back the equilibrium. Once I had gone over and beyond to make sure that the person understood that my actions were not intentional and we became friends again, I was happy and I could cope. But when I began to experience a person of great trust, at the time when I was just at the end of primary school life, was leading a different life as well as leaving my life, my life changed before my eyes. I could't understand why it was happening, but I was angry more than I wanted the person to stay. In fact, I wanted them to go and never see them again, at the time. I'm glad to say that now, through lots of hard work I don't let that side plague me as much anymore. What it did create however, was the biggest mental health trigger that I have and one which I only really discovered last year. That is; abandonment.  I developed a huge, almost irrational fear that if someone extremely important to me, leaves then I will be unable to cope. I believe this attached itself to my younger self's need to keep the equilibrium between people and that's why it became one big difficultly for myself.

I experienced something last year, which brought this abandonment fear to the surface. I didn't really know that it was something that I needed to deal with until then. The feelings that resulted from that experience were strong and powerful. It took over my mental and physical capabilities and I'm not sure I have felt something so overwhelmingly powerful since my phobia of school, but I guess if I didn't experience the fear then, it would've caught up with me eventually and I would've had to deal with it at some point. It was always hiding in plain sight. At the time, I felt like I couldn't cope as it was such a strong automatic reaction. Even trying to practice self-care was hard and working through daily life, but slowly over time it got easier until one day the abandonment hole was filled and that's when I felt I could cope again.

Throughout the year following, I had worked really hard to overcome the fear of abandonment in such a way that I can appreciate that it is there and know that I am going to experience it a lot throughout my life, but it is something that I can cope with, rather than die of. Believe it or not, the thought that I wasn't able to survive as a result of abandonment was a huge thing to rationalise and something that I can still feel to the core of me, today. It's like an automatic switch where I get taken to a place of not being able to function and feeling like I can't live. It lives alongside the fact, that the reason I avoid abandonment is because I'm so strongly taken back to such a traumatic painful period in my childhood, that I couldn't rationalise at that age, which now lives in my sub-conscious. Now I can understand the situation with a more adult mindset. My counsellor taught me that we have two parts of us and maybe more; but there is an adult side and child side. The things we experience as children, affect us as adults as they tend to stay in our subconscious and become normal parts of our actions that we don't even second guess. But, it's recognising when there is an an unhelpful behaviour that you learnt as a child and becoming the adult to look after this part of you; so you can overcome it and be the hand to hold, that the child always wanted.

I still have a long way to go and I know that abandonment is still my biggest trigger and can still put me into a huge downward spiral. But instead of running back to the easiest known path, like a racing pigeon does to get home, I have to take a step back, evaluate the situation in all in its glory and maybe take the route which is not as comfortable, but one that will help me to get through this big trigger, like I have done with other situations that used to terrify me. The thought of abandonment may put me further into my shell when communicating with people, with the thought at the back of my head that I don't want to go through the pain of abandonment if I can help it, but I know that if is going to help me on my mental health journey, it is something that I need to do.