On a dark day

It isn't always what you see when scrolling through posts on Instagram whilst eating your breakfast. It's not the media's warped version of being locked up in cords and chains and it's not bottles of orange tablets on the side of your kitchen counter.

It's the pain of your heart falling out of your chest, the struggle to get out of bed with weights on your feet and needing sticks for your eyes to keep them open. It's the struggle to chew and swallow every mouthful of porridge even though it's got your favourite syrup in it. It's the want to make the right decision, but being in so much turmoil on the inside that you can't see in front of your face.

It's the worry of being a burden on others and yet wanting someone to come and shake you to see if you're still alive and the thought of not taking another breath and yet wondering what your children would look like smiling back at you.

It's the questioning as to when things will get better, when staring back at you in the mirror is someone you can no longer recognise when writing yourself letters and running out of pages in your journal with all of the words that escape your head.

It's wondering how you're going to get through the next day, let alone the week when each step brings you more stress onto your shoulders. It's the pain of people leaving, tenfold.

It's the ship in the ocean with the waves crashing over the boat, the sea salt sticking to your skin and the water filling up the deck. It's the isolation in that sea that you're told keeps you safe. It's the big red brick walls which are built to heaven and back to keep you protected with the reinforced steel to stop people from getting close to you. It's the theft of sunshine and the country lines into the darkness. 

It's also the strength, the light and the truth. It's the big dark monster which has an achilles heel which only courage can contain. It's the untold story that people carry on their back when walking the mountain. It can be big, bold and beautiful. It is a test that never seems to end, but it has an attachment of achievement that is only known to those who live with it. It carries with it a hidden power, bigger than those who have never experienced it. In the end, it can be the smallest dot on the wall surrounded by colour. It can almost be invisible, it can be cured. Most of all as if I never knew, there is nothing stronger than someone mental illness has flowed through.

Grieving

Grief. A word that makes most of us shudder, either because it relates to the stress of work or sadly, the loss of someone we love. Mental health can be affected by so many different things and Grief is certainty one of them. I almost feel as if grief can have its own hold on you, somewhat different to your anxiety and depression that you can become used to.

I'm not just talking about grief in the traditional sense of the word, that someone has passed away but we can also feel this emotion for a range of difference situations too such as heartbreak or moving house. I think all of these involve a grieving process.

Supposedly there is a 5 step process to grieving, from denial to anger and to acceptance but that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone experiences grief in the same way or routinely every time it is experienced. I remember when I lost my Great Grandma when I had just begun primary school and I cried as soon as I found out the news. Later down the line I lost my other Great Grandmother and I didn't cry for a long time. This year I lost my Grandmother whom I was very close to. I think the first and last time I cried was at her funeral and only now 5 months on am I beginning to feel the pain of her loss. Some people may find that unusual but, it just shows how it can take hold in a variety of ways.

Experiencing heartbreak and loss of someone important in your life has taken hold of me in way depression couldn't in the past. I became lifeless and couldn't function at all. I didn't really cry, but I did find it extremely hard to get out of bed, even more so than perhaps some of my worst days of depression.

To me, grief can sometimes be a bigger beast than mental health on it's own because often becomes it's own unpredictable emotion, where as with my mental health I can usually predict the way it is going to turn out. The important thing is to allow yourself to grieve, it's normal and it's okay. It's also important to remember to look after yourself and your mental health at these times because it can often become overwhelming and debilitating to experience. Some may also be experiencing mental illness for the first time when they grieve, and that's okay. Look out for the signs and be that person that they can talk to.

What is Fizzbox? | AD

Being a social person has always meant that I love to organise big group events with friends and family. If you've been a reader for a long time, you'll also know that I have organised an event for my blog in the past as well as being the former president of my mental health society at university, where I had to plan events all time - I wish I had fizzbox to help me!

What is it? Fizzbox is a website which allows you to search for a wide range of events in your local area, all in one place. It's been made especially to help with organising big group events like birthdays and hen dos for example.

I began to plan an event for myself and my friends, using my closest main city of London through Fizzbox. To start, you simply choose your location and it takes you straight to a wide range of companies and events that you can choose from. You can arrange the list from price, popularity and activity type. Once you've chosen your event or experience, you simply choose the number of guests and it will give you the price and the opportunity to write a message to the company, if you have any questions to go along with your enquiry. If the business has the availability, then they will get back to you and you can pay straight through them either in full or with a small deposit. You can make an account to enquire, or sign up using facebook. I don't have a problem with this, as they need a way to contact you to get back to your enquiry!

Currently, fizzbox doesn't operate in every city in the country, but it does include some cities from abroad if you want to take your event that far away. In my opinion, it is very simple and straightforward compared to having to endlessly search the web for a range of businesses and then contacting the business individually or ringing them up. With this, you can simply enquire online in a few clicks and everything is in the same place. Each individual business also shows their reviews, so that allows you to have peace of mind as well. All in all it seems like a great service and I will definitely be using it to book future events. As the company grows, it will be able to reach more people across the UK too - so don't worry if your city isn't on the location list yet! You can use them to plan your next event, here!