One of my worst traits. My biggest trigger. My hardest challenge.
Letting go is always hard no matter who you are or what you have been through. There may be many reasons why you have to let go; because they move on without you, life is taking its natural course, toxicity or because it's what you have to do to stay alive even if letting go is the last thing you want to do.
I've had to let go of many things in my life or should I say people. Material things don't hold that much importance.
As a child I let go of friends and family; not that I wanted to of course. At that age you just see it is as part of life; a grieving process and something that cannot be helped. As I grew older not everything followed a natural course and at one point I lost the family unit that every child feels safe in. It was from then when letting go became really hard and torturous. We all internalise things in different ways and it left me feeling as if I could die when I let go and in some respects it still does today.
Ever since that point I've lost many people. I've lost teachers who gave me life lessons I will always carry with me and family and pets that understood me like no-one else could. But even though they may not be present they are still with me in the decisions I make. Everyone is a lesson.
Recently I've been faced with so much loss that I had almost let go of myself. A lot of the time, I still feel this way. The people I hold so close to my heart had to leave or are in the process of doing so and it's heart-wrenching and hell-like. I find myself spending a lot of time in my bed with what feels like a bullet wound in my chest. My eyes burn with the lack of sleep and nightmares and trying to work efficiently is tough. I don't talk about my loss in perhaps the way I should because most of the time I don't even understand the feelings myself and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. People always say that there comes time where you become numb or can look back at past events and not feel like it's debilitating. One day I hope I can be like that.
Sometimes loss is our choice and sometimes it isn't, but regardless the pain can be the same. You shouldn't need to speak openly for people to realise how deep the pain of loss is. It can create torturous pain which can present itself to the world in uncharasmastic ways; you can look selfish or as if you don't care, when the exact opposite can be true. Remember that assumptions in times of loss can be so dangerous and you should always ask someone to find out the truth; always let them share their story of loss because sometimes we can get things wrong and we can be angry and nasty because of their reactive actions. Loss is not a simple process and sometimes an apology when we get things wrong is all they need because you never know how close to the edge they are. Loss can be a truly difficult time.
One day I want to be able to look back with joy, with the happiness of the good memories and not feel death where there is no grief. I don't want to keep feeling like I've got weights in my shoes and having thoughts go round in my head forever until I've lost my sanity. I don't want to be in denial and then feel anger and not being able to act how I want because of the pain I feel. I don't want to worry about what my future is going to be like without them and how I will cope. But I know that one day I will be able to look forward to the next day and have restful sleep. I will have fondness in my heart and love and as long as I know the feelings that I have are true, even though I cannot act on them, does not give me anything to be ashamed of. Those feelings can never be taken away from me no matter what actions are in the present.
...and one day, the loss will not longer feel like you've lost yourself and leave you wanting to lose your life. It will leave you with the will to breathe.
It's become part of normal life that you have a beer after work or a glass of wine after a hard day and it's never really questioned. After all it can help you to relax. Drinking socially and out and about can be a good part of relaxation too and having fun, as long as all of this is done in moderation. It's also become very normal to drown your sorrows in drink and become a bit of a 'Bridget Jones' or have a wild night out after you've experienced something stressful or upsetting. I know that I have and so have many of my friends and sometimes it's just what you need. But again, in moderation. What it's not going to do, is change the situation or help you find any answers. This will only numb the pain for while and that's if you don't react negatively react to alcohol...
I would be lying if I said that I've never had a drink when I've been upset or down, or had it to just feel a little bit less. Last year I found myself getting into a bit of a habit that when I was stressed or sad, I would have something to drink, which never really made me feel much better. Rather, it made me feel more out of control or would just knock me out to sleep only to wake up in the morning to realise I still felt the same. I knew at the time that it wasn't the answer and I did quickly snap out of it and went back to drinking only socially or having a drink, very rarely, to relax. But as with anything along a journey of healing and recovery, it is never smooth and there are moments when your bad habits can come creeping back in and that's not a bad thing, it's just human nature. The other night, I found myself doing a bit of a Bridget Jones and watching Stranger things whilst having a bottle of wine that I had left over from a meal. I don't think I was really concentrating on what I was drinking or really cared, because it was nice not to have to feel for a while. It all soon came crashing down to earth when I was very sick afterwards then lost a night's sleep. It's not the best idea I've ever had, but for that short while, everything felt okay. Reality hit me not too long after and showed me that the answers to my problems are not going to be at the bottom of a bottle. By drinking, I'm not suddenly going to come up with the best idea or solution and never feel pain again and my life isn't going to drastically change just from a drink.
I promptly snapped myself out of it. I realised that my body was physically telling me that it didn't like what I was doing alongside recognising that nothing changes from having one to many drinks. But what does change things, is actually acting and facing issues head on. I made the decision to throw all of my alcohol in my flat away that day. That way I have to deal with my issues head on, not numb myself and definitely not get stuck into an addictive pattern which I know I could do.
I am still more than happy to drink socially, or have a drink after a hard day but being excessive? No. As much as sometimes it sounds like a nice break, it's definitely not the answer and isn't productive in any way. It's an endless cycle. Problems need to be faced whether we like it or not and the only way of getting through them, is to actually get through them. I think we can forget that we are in control of our own lives and it's how we deal with it that matters, because drowning your sorrows? Well, they don't actually drown.
‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’ - Eleanor Roosevelt.
I’ve never really been a person whom has taken the thoughts of others to heart as I have always had a sense of self that was strong enough for it to not let it make me feel any different about myself. It would affect me to an extent, but I could always rationalise it with the morals that I was brought up with, that I have the same right to be on this planet as anyone else, so what makes anyone better than me or in turn, me better than anyone else? We are all cut from the same cloth and although people have different starts in life and challenges, in principle it makes them no better.
Recently, I have found myself feeling very vulnerable for probably the first time in my life. It’s knocked my solid grounding that I feel that I have managed to stable myself upon because everything takes just that little bit more work and everything that happens, makes you just that bit more sensitive. But, it’s how I go from feeling vulnerable to my old self of strength and how I handle the challenges that I face without being triggered into a downfall.
Amongst it all the core remains the same in all of us, is that you have worth. And at different points in our lives, we may feel that to be stronger or weaker. We will meet people throughout life who will try and make you feel small and will try to make themselves feel better. What you have to remember, is that by doing that they are inadvertently telling you that they are insecure about themselves. If you keep that in mind, you may be able to understand why they are acting towards you in such a manner.
Being vulnerable can make you feel like giving up and just putting up with other people’s detrimental behaviour, but at the end of the day, people know what they’re doing in their actions. Mistakes happen, but as the saying goes, never let someone fool you twice. It’s about recognising the behaviour and as hard as it is not to take it to heart, it’s important to keep that sense of self worth. At the end of the day, you should never let anyone treat you like shit.
If you have given someone your all and they don’t give anything back, you don’t need it. If they are not making the effort to contact you as much as you are them, move on. If they decide to take a pop at who you are as a person, get rid of them. Of course, there can be reasons why some people come across in such a way, and if there is a valid reason why, dig into it. Otherwise you do not need such toxicity and people wasting your time. It’s hard though, I know, because we like to hold onto excitement and people’s company but if it’s more bad than good, then it’s not worth it. You know who you are and if people are not respecting or willing to be a part of that, it’s ok - we’re not always going to get on with everyone. But it’s their loss, if you’ve done your bit. You’re worth so much more than being second best. Second best is not good enough, move on and move on up.
Don’t put up with it.
