A letter to my therapist

Dear S,


You've helped me in so many ways I cannot begin to tell you. I've seen a lot of counsellors and therapists over the years and each one has brought something different to the table to help me along on my journey. Sometimes it worked and they helped me to overcome some anxieties, but other times it had no benefit to me at all.

I first met you when I was in the midst of a huge change, when I'd only recently begun to be able to catch public transport again and was slowly rebuilding my life. I was fragile and severely sick but for the first time I had someone outside of my family who understood me, who clicked with me and gave me explanations as to why I felt and was acting in such ways.

It's been four years since then...and it's gone so fast. There were a lot of moments in the those past years where I didn't think I'd even make it to today. I remember our first session, where you asked me to explain my life and I soon realised I had a lot of trauma and underlying issues that hadn't even been touched upon by previous counsellors. You started from the very beginning and delved deep to rebuild my foundations.

Looking back to the beginning, we were talking about my first year of university exams and how scared I was, as well as taking driving lessons, the fear of going back home, how I couldn't get taxis and found relationships really hard and now I'm sharing my stories with you from my new career. Who would believe it?!

You've been there during some of the most difficult times in my life, someone to turn to when no one else would understand, giving me explanations to set me free from the traps in my mind and allowing to have the "oh wow, I finally understand, I get it" moments! You help give me sense of clarity, understand my worth and given me the power that allows me to overcome and progress in the most challenging times.

You have had such a positive impact on my life, a hand to hold when I needed it and a huge support and encouragement - so thank you. 

If I had anything else to add to this letter, it's to reach out to others to given the encouragement to get counselling and therapy as it can give you the help you need that you wouldn't have otherwise been able to reach on your own. Keep searching until you find the person that fits you.

A review of 2018

I've been writing these for 5 years now...if you want a throwback, you can click here for my look back to 2013. 

I must admit that 2018 has been the hardest year for a good few years now. The last time I had a year as challenging, must've been 2013 when I had just been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Of course every year has had its challenges with it high and low moments, but this one has been particularly difficult.

I began the year working in a dead end job, but with prospect of my dream career in the distance. I moved back home and walked back into a life surrounded with illness. The illness that surrounded me led to me almost losing my mum on an operation table only to be saved by intensive care, but losing my Grandma at the same time. I felt utterly alone and lost because the two people I was closest to, had disappeared  However I was extremely lucky to have amazing support from those closest to me and if you're one of those reading this - it means the world.

It was also a confusing year for trying to understand myself and what I wanted from life - cliche I know. But it made me go on a journey from love to loss and what felt like back again and despite the happiness I did feel, it's one of the hardest things I've had to experience as well as what else I undertook this year. It pulled me to and from the edge of what I knew to be reality and showed me a depth of pain I didn't know existed. I had no idea how powerful the heart and mind could be and how it could transfer so strongly into physical pain.

Later in the year I moved away from home again and this time on my own and by doing so, I've felt what true loneliness is. I went through training for my new job without making any friends and considering I am a hugely social person, this was very hard. All of my family and friends were hours down the road and I found myself coming back to my flat, not knowing anyone and sitting amongst my thoughts - not the best thing to be doing.

But amongst all of this, I did manage to achieve my dream career. When I was 7 years old, I drew a picture and wrote a small paragraph of what I wanted to be when I was big and strong...and now I am that person I drew in that picture, at 23 years old. There are challenges and it can be traumatic, but at the moment I still don't feel like I'm going to work!

This year has felt like I've been pulled through a hedge backwards...which is probably quite generous to say the least. I'll be glad to see the back of it, even though life can change at any moment...There have been moments where I smiled and felt my heart fill up with love and laughter, but I've also felt it break and cried enough tears to fill an ocean, only to wonder how much longer I can take. All of it has showed me strength and just what the body is capable of handling, which is much more than the brain likes to believe.

Here's to 2019 though...

The Sunday Scaries | AD

Many people get that dread in their stomach, that the beginning of the week is coming round again and Monday is raising its weary head. This is sometimes referred to as the Sunday scaries, which I only found out recently...but this is also the name of something that could possibly help relieve some of the scare from the week.

I've written before about the new trend of CBD that has been on the rise recently. Now as you know, I only have limited experience of CBD due to not having consulted my doctor - which I definitely recommend before using any CBD product as you need to be completely sure that it isn't going to affect you or anything you're currently taking, in a negative way. The Sunday Scaries, aptly named, have released a range of different CBD holistic treatments that purport to relieve you from some of the anxiety that you may have on a Sunday, or any other day of the week for that matter. CBD can come in range of different forms, but they particularly specialise in gummies, which are also vegan! Alongside this I just wanted to raise that I'm glad that the company is aware that it is not a replacement for medication, or professional judgement but is supportive of the use of CBD alongside any other treatments or words of advice.

If you weren't sure, CBD is the legal, non-THC part of cannabis which is said to have anxiety relieving effects - the company state that it is legal in all 50 states of America. I am also aware of CBD being legal in the UK, but you may wish to do a check on this product in your country first! Of course, every person will be different and will respond in different ways, which is why I want to reiterate, as the company does, that you need read the label and consult a doctor before consuming any of the products. CBD may not be the cure to your mental wellness but it may be something that you wish to try on your journey to getting better.

As mentioned earlier, gummies is something I haven't seen before, so if you were concerned about sprays and drops then this might be for you!

If you're interested in the company and what they have to offer, then you can go straight to their website by clicking, here.

How to combat driving anxiety

Below is a handy video from the AA driving school that could help you with your driving anxiety!



The AA Driving School releases a new VIDEO and research after a reported 60% of young drivers still rely on superstitions to pass their driving test

A quarter of drivers resorted to extra measures such as lucky pants, superstitions or a long drive to get their nerves in check before their driving test, reveals the AA Driving School*.

60% of young drivers aged 18-to-24 were by far the most likely to turn to extra measures – 7% admitted to wearing lucky pants, 6% said they carried a lucky charm and 9% said they took herbal remedies such as Rescue Remedy before their practical test.

You can watch the New AA Driving School video designed to help learners combat their test nerves and pass with flying colours here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=-pC8vhgeipU

The study also found that a long drive or having a lesson before the test was the most popular way of easing tension, with one in five (20%) drivers saying they did this.

In order to help pre-test drivers, the AA has published advice on how to combat driving anxietyyou can read it here:

https://www.theaa.com/driving-school/driving-lessons/advice/driving-test-nerves

Stand out stats:

Only one in ten (13%) drivers said they felt no nerves before their test.
Nearly half of all nervous drivers (44%) said their nerves affected their test in some way.
Women and younger drivers were the most likely to admit nerves affected them on their test day (52% and 77%).
Drivers in Northern Ireland were the most likely to put their faith in superstitions in the run-up to their test, with 2% saying they avoided walking under ladders or crossing the path of black cats before the big day.
Last year over 1,700,000 people took their driving test - just 46.7% passed

Edmund King, the AA President, said: “Passing your driving test and getting on the road is a real milestone for many people.

“While we’d be more likely to advocate an extra lesson or two to combat pre-test nerves, if wearing lucky pants helps someone feel more confident on their test day and they pass as a result, then good for them.”

The top ways that nerves affected drivers are listed below:

Made minor mistakes - but still passed their test
Woke up early
Had a bad night’s sleep beforehand
Made a serious mistake that led to a failed test
Couldn’t eat before the test
Had a sudden ‘blank moment’ about something they knew how to do
Said something silly to the examiner
Couldn’t stop shaking
Vomiting
Got lost on the way to the test centre

And spare a thought for these drivers who spent most of their test feeling less than fresh.

“I remember sweating so much that I had to pull over to wipe my brow and clean my spectacles! And put talcum powder on my hands!”

“Sweated profusely and the instructor had to open the windows to clear them!”

Finally, let’s remember the poor person who almost accidently bribed their examiner…

“I handed my instructor £20 instead of my license, and it looked like a bribe.”

Sources

*Populus received 20,435 responses from AA members to its online poll between 13th and 20th March 2018. Populus is a member of the British Polling Council and abides by its rules.

On a dark day

It isn't always what you see when scrolling through posts on Instagram whilst eating your breakfast. It's not the media's warped version of being locked up in cords and chains and it's not bottles of orange tablets on the side of your kitchen counter.

It's the pain of your heart falling out of your chest, the struggle to get out of bed with weights on your feet and needing sticks for your eyes to keep them open. It's the struggle to chew and swallow every mouthful of porridge even though it's got your favourite syrup in it. It's the want to make the right decision, but being in so much turmoil on the inside that you can't see in front of your face.

It's the worry of being a burden on others and yet wanting someone to come and shake you to see if you're still alive and the thought of not taking another breath and yet wondering what your children would look like smiling back at you.

It's the questioning as to when things will get better, when staring back at you in the mirror is someone you can no longer recognise when writing yourself letters and running out of pages in your journal with all of the words that escape your head.

It's wondering how you're going to get through the next day, let alone the week when each step brings you more stress onto your shoulders. It's the pain of people leaving, tenfold.

It's the ship in the ocean with the waves crashing over the boat, the sea salt sticking to your skin and the water filling up the deck. It's the isolation in that sea that you're told keeps you safe. It's the big red brick walls which are built to heaven and back to keep you protected with the reinforced steel to stop people from getting close to you. It's the theft of sunshine and the country lines into the darkness. 

It's also the strength, the light and the truth. It's the big dark monster which has an achilles heel which only courage can contain. It's the untold story that people carry on their back when walking the mountain. It can be big, bold and beautiful. It is a test that never seems to end, but it has an attachment of achievement that is only known to those who live with it. It carries with it a hidden power, bigger than those who have never experienced it. In the end, it can be the smallest dot on the wall surrounded by colour. It can almost be invisible, it can be cured. Most of all as if I never knew, there is nothing stronger than someone mental illness has flowed through.

Grieving

Grief. A word that makes most of us shudder, either because it relates to the stress of work or sadly, the loss of someone we love. Mental health can be affected by so many different things and Grief is certainty one of them. I almost feel as if grief can have its own hold on you, somewhat different to your anxiety and depression that you can become used to.

I'm not just talking about grief in the traditional sense of the word, that someone has passed away but we can also feel this emotion for a range of difference situations too such as heartbreak or moving house. I think all of these involve a grieving process.

Supposedly there is a 5 step process to grieving, from denial to anger and to acceptance but that doesn't necessarily mean that everyone experiences grief in the same way or routinely every time it is experienced. I remember when I lost my Great Grandma when I had just begun primary school and I cried as soon as I found out the news. Later down the line I lost my other Great Grandmother and I didn't cry for a long time. This year I lost my Grandmother whom I was very close to. I think the first and last time I cried was at her funeral and only now 5 months on am I beginning to feel the pain of her loss. Some people may find that unusual but, it just shows how it can take hold in a variety of ways.

Experiencing heartbreak and loss of someone important in your life has taken hold of me in way depression couldn't in the past. I became lifeless and couldn't function at all. I didn't really cry, but I did find it extremely hard to get out of bed, even more so than perhaps some of my worst days of depression.

To me, grief can sometimes be a bigger beast than mental health on it's own because often becomes it's own unpredictable emotion, where as with my mental health I can usually predict the way it is going to turn out. The important thing is to allow yourself to grieve, it's normal and it's okay. It's also important to remember to look after yourself and your mental health at these times because it can often become overwhelming and debilitating to experience. Some may also be experiencing mental illness for the first time when they grieve, and that's okay. Look out for the signs and be that person that they can talk to.

What is Fizzbox? | AD

Being a social person has always meant that I love to organise big group events with friends and family. If you've been a reader for a long time, you'll also know that I have organised an event for my blog in the past as well as being the former president of my mental health society at university, where I had to plan events all time - I wish I had fizzbox to help me!

What is it? Fizzbox is a website which allows you to search for a wide range of events in your local area, all in one place. It's been made especially to help with organising big group events like birthdays and hen dos for example.

I began to plan an event for myself and my friends, using my closest main city of London through Fizzbox. To start, you simply choose your location and it takes you straight to a wide range of companies and events that you can choose from. You can arrange the list from price, popularity and activity type. Once you've chosen your event or experience, you simply choose the number of guests and it will give you the price and the opportunity to write a message to the company, if you have any questions to go along with your enquiry. If the business has the availability, then they will get back to you and you can pay straight through them either in full or with a small deposit. You can make an account to enquire, or sign up using facebook. I don't have a problem with this, as they need a way to contact you to get back to your enquiry!

Currently, fizzbox doesn't operate in every city in the country, but it does include some cities from abroad if you want to take your event that far away. In my opinion, it is very simple and straightforward compared to having to endlessly search the web for a range of businesses and then contacting the business individually or ringing them up. With this, you can simply enquire online in a few clicks and everything is in the same place. Each individual business also shows their reviews, so that allows you to have peace of mind as well. All in all it seems like a great service and I will definitely be using it to book future events. As the company grows, it will be able to reach more people across the UK too - so don't worry if your city isn't on the location list yet! You can use them to plan your next event, here!

How to get a first class honours degree

With degrees and their courses becoming more accessible, it seems now more than ever that every other person has a degree of some sort. However this is not to say that a degree is easy to achieve - it takes numerous hours of hard work, study, essays and exams to even get a qualification at the end. In 2017 I graduated with a first class honours Law degree after completing three years of intensive study at Swansea University. Amidst the blood, sweat and tears there were a few rules I stuck by to try and get the most from my course:

1. Set study time

Make sure that when it comes down to revision and essays that you have set times to study. I used to work for an hour at a time and then give myself a 20 minute break. You've got to find out what is best for you and also how many hours you can physically put into a day. When it got into third year I used to complete about 6 hours study a day to ensure I was ready for my exams.

2. Routine

As well as having a set time to study during the day, I found it useful to also get up at a reasonable time during the morning so I could make the most of my day when I had free time. I'd spend most of the morning and early afternoon revising and then give myself the afternoon and evening off. I'd also go to bed at a reasonable time so I could get at least 6 hours sleep.

3. work hard play hard.

Studying for your degree is important but almost just as important is giving yourself free time to relax and just enjoy the university experience. There is no point spending every free minute studying or else you'll end up missing out on socials, seeing friends and generally just doing the things that you enjoy. I found myself running a society, going clubbing and seeing my friends in my spare time. I always made sure I did both.

4. Getting those extra marks

Completing extra reading from resources that others may not have seen, writing out practice papers and timings and meeting up with your lecturers to ask questions on exam topics are all key ways of gaining extra marks to get to the next grade boundary.

5. Don't get left behind

Throughout my 3 years, I didn't go to every lecture. But if I didn't go to one, I made sure that it was recorded in some way so I didn't miss any key information. When I had the time or woke up after a night out, I wrote out all of the notes as if I was in the lecture. However, seminars were so important in my course so I made sure to not miss them to be on top of my learning.

Just remember, everyone has their own way of learning. I spent only a handful of hours in the library over my three years because I just didn't find it useful. You have to find your own solutions and work life balance in order to succeed. Comparing yourself to others in this situation is useless because you will have your own way of achieving.

How to fall asleep fast

Thanks to Brandon for the great post about sleep. I know it's something I'll be taking notice of over the next few months as I begin shift work:

Getting a good night sleep is crucial to proper brain function, as well as maintaining strong physical and mental health. Some people have no problem falling asleep, while the process is a little more difficult for others. If you are someone who struggles to fall asleep at night, you’re not alone. According to a new Consumer Reports survey of adults living in the U.S., over 27% claimed to experience trouble falling asleep or staying asleep most nights, and 68% struggled with sleep at least once per week - that’s an estimated 164 million adults! So, what can you do to help fall asleep faster? Here are a few things you can try to help speed up the process!

1. Lower the Thermostat

Your body temperature fluctuates as you transition into sleep. If your room is too warm, it could be affecting your ability to fall asleep. Try setting your thermostat to a temperature somewhere between 62–73°F. Everyone has their own preferences, so try to find the right temperature that works for you! As your body cools down, it can help send a signal to your brain to go to sleep.

2. Guided Sleep Meditation or Soothing Music

Studies have found that sedative music promotes deeper sleep. Guided meditation can also be very helpful in helping you transition into a state of sleep. Here is a link to a video that has helped over 6 million people fall asleep faster! Just listen with your eyes closed and you’ll be fast asleep before you know it. Give it a try!

3. Eliminate Distractions

You may unknowingly be struggling to fall asleep because you’re distracted. Browsing social media or keeping the TV on can make it significantly harder to fall asleep. This could be because your mind is stimulated by these distractions. When it’s time to sleep, make sure that you are in a quiet, comfortable place that is free from distraction. Doing so will help you fall asleep much faster.

4. Get on a Schedule

Many people find that setting a sleep schedule helps them fall asleep easier. Waking up and going to bed at the same time each day can help your internal clock keep a regular schedule. This will help your body know intuitively when it is time to go to bed and when it is time to wake up. When you’re setting your sleep schedule, plan for 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night and make sure you allot for the time it takes to fall asleep.

5. Take Sleep-Enhancing Supplements

Certain natural supplements can help you fall asleep faster. They have been shown to encourage sleep either by boosting the production of sleep-promoting hormones or by calming brain activity. Supplements that can help you fall asleep include

Magnesium which helps to activate the neurotransmitters responsible for sleep.

Melatonin which is a hormone naturally produced by the body, but can also be taken as a supplement to help regulate your sleep. Melatonin taken 30 minutes before bed can help to improve sleep quality in some cases.

GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid)which is a compound produced in the brain that inhibits certain transmitters and can help the central nervous system relax.

6. Try a Talk Therapy Session
Talk therapy can be a very effective approach to treating insomnia. Many times, insomnia is caused by underlying stress or anxiety which keeps an individual awake. People who suffer from lack of sleep or difficulties falling asleep worry about the impact that it will have on their functioning the next day. This thought pattern keeps people awake and becomes a repeating cycle every night. Talk therapy is effective because it addresses the root of the problem: why you can’t sleep. It turns out that it’s also been backed by science, studies show that a single talk therapy session helped 60% of those with short term insomnia sleep better and fall asleep 20 minutes more quickly.

Author Bio

Brandon Christensen is a passionate business leader and mental health advocate working to make talk therapy more accessible, and less intimidating. Brandon is the co-founder of Modern Therapy, a tele-mental health company. He has been featured as a keynote speaker on mental health topics at colleges like NYU and Columbia University. He holds a bachelor's degree in Business Administration from Ramapo College of New Jersey.

Website: www.moderntherapy.online
Instagram: @moderntherapyonline
Facebook: moderntherapyonline
Twitter: @_moderntherapy

The anxiety solution

With any disease or illness, trying to find the solution is always the hardest part.

A few years ago now, I was sent a book written by the lovely Chloe Brotheridge and I've finally finished it. It only took me a few days to read it from cover to cover because it's just so good! I just never found the time to sit down and read until recently...which is something that the book actually taught me - to take more time out for self care and stepping away from technology. So instead of reaching for my phone on lunch break, I went for this book.

For those of you wondering what this book is about, it's not like your traditional self help book, which I've never been able to get on with, but it takes a more realistic approach using other people's experiences, as well as her own to portray how anxiety is in daily life. I often found myself saying 'that's me!'. It almost felt like this book was speaking to me now and again.

As you move on through the book, there are loads of suggestions as to how to handle and overcome your anxiety and a lot of them incorporate aspects that I've have learnt from therapy and counselling, so it's good to reinforce that but also helpful for people who haven't had the opportunity to experience those methods to give it a go with the aid of the book. It's split up handily into different sections as to what anxiety can affect and how you can affect your own anxiety.

Out of all of the books I have read, I have found this one the most useful. As a side note, I didn't have to write this blog post about this book, but I just thought it was so good that I had to share it with other people. I also find that Chloe is a lovely person and the way she writes to her audience is realistic and takes an outsiders view, rather than being patronising and childish in the delivery which I have found with some books and counsellors in the past. I completely recommend you read it!

An honest letter

Recently I turned twenty-three and I can't believe how quickly time has passed - it has flown by in a blink of an eye. It seems that only yesterday I was sixteen and revising for my GCSE's at school. But with time passing I can't help be haunted by the thought that I'm wasting my seconds or that my life isn't as fulfilling as it should be. But it's important for me to remember that there is no 'should'. Social media infers that there is a certain way to live your life, with perfectly aesthetically placed food, or bright white beaches and somehow still having all the money in the world to achieve it. Every one is different and has different goals and achievements they wish to reach, but I still can't help but feel in competition with time as to how much I can physically do. Life on earth is short and just by sitting in my room after work watching TV I find myself asking whether I should be doing something extraordinary instead.

I feel we can get caught up in the busyness of life and we can sometime lose sight of what's important and what we want. It's impossible to fit every single thing we want to do into every day. And it's not easy to try and balance every aspect of your life into one perfect package either. If you want to reach something, then it takes a lot of willpower because often we can get swept up in every other small task or the tiredness that we feel.

At the same time of realising how fast time has gone, twenty-three is still young and many would say my life is only just beginning, but who's to say that life suddenly stops when you leave your twenties? It seems like such an odd phenomenon. Is it because beauty and athletic ability are the most sought after characteristics and when that is no longer something that comes naturally, we're put at the bottom of the pile? It seems strange because after all what others think of us shouldn't make a difference because they're not going to stop their lives just to impose on us. It may only have a negative effect on the person at the receiving end. Believe it or not, we are still living and breathing human beings no matter what the age and with that comes endless possibilities.

Being young is also a lot more challenging than I imagined as a child, and it's not a woe is me moment, because life can be hard no matter the age, mental health or ability. But I feel with being young, you learn a lot of things the hard way and that is why people say the older the wiser you become and perhaps it's true. At the same time every day is a school day - just when you're young it may be the first time you're experiencing something. There's still a lot of pressure to get it right the first time around because if you don't then are you wasting your time making the wrong decisions? But, through every decision ever made you've still seen the light of day afterwards and handled the outcome. It may have been hard, but you can't change it so you might as well grow with it.

Trying to make others happy and keeping yourself happy seems like a constant battle throughout life and something I have never struggled with until recently. Although it doesn't matter what people think, I don't feel that this is the main factor that's causing the struggle between self and person. I think as humans we all want to be attached and not be lonely and by spending a lot of my time in my own company recently, it's made me realise how we try to hang onto anything that will protect us. I often ask myself, is it so bad that by doing and saying what we want, that it will hurt others? I'm not sure that living a life for other people is the reason we were put on the planet. I'm sure we are here to help others, but in how much can we sacrifice ourselves for that? At any time, is it appropriate to be a people pleaser at the sacrifice of yourself, no matter how hard it gets? It's important to remember you're no longer a child having to waiver to every body else shapes and sizes. You're an adult and you can make choices that are right for you and how someone else receives it cannot always be controlled. But we can control what we do. We cannot have everything at once. We cannot have and hide at the same time, so sometimes doing the thing that is right for us, may also be letting parts of us down that we don't want to. But either you keep sacrificing yourself for others, or you simply do what's right and control the damage afterwards.

...so many questions at the age of twenty-three!

Snippets of anxiety

The Recovery Network, in cooperation with others, publish and share a range of resources on the topic of mental health. Below is a snippet on what is anxiety and an infographic of how family members can help. If you wish to access more information and support, you can reach them, here. They not only publish information but support charity events and support those recovering from addiction. All in all, they produce well rounded advice and support to help those who need it the most. Below are a few snippets of their work:
'Everyone experiences anxiety. It is a natural human emotion. However this feeling can grow out of proportion to life and its events. It can begin to disrupt everyday life. If anxiety feels like it is taking over, you may have an anxiety disorder. If you have an anxiety disorder, you aren’t alone. The American Psychiatric Association[1] (APA) shares, “Anxiety disorders are the most common of mental disorders and affect nearly 30 percent of adults at some point in their lives.” Many people face anxiety concerns. Many options exist for addressing this anxiety and moving forward in life. How you take these steps forward? Begin by understanding how anxiety affects your life. Look for anxiety disorder symptoms.' Read more, here.
And...remember, that recovery is possible. 

'I’m slowly gaining self-esteem and finding myself! Recovery is absolutely wonderful! I hope, if you’ve read this far, my story inspired you in some way. Recovery is possible and you deserve love and happiness!'  You can read more about Laurie's story, here and become a hero in recovery, here.

My anxiety story: 5 years on

When I first started my blog back in 2013, I wrote a blog post about my mental health journey, which you can read, here. 4 years on and I feel have a different overview and new perspective on my journey and can perhaps add details that I once may have missed...

I have always been a shy child for as long as I can remember. I never wanted to answer questions in class or ever be on stage. I didn't have problems with making friends though. I hated going to clubs, even if I really enjoyed the activity as well as being told off, so I did everything to avoid it - I guess this was all about a fear of failure, even though my parents never brought me up in such a way. 

Now I look back, my mental health problems began when I was around 8 years old, when a really nasty family break-up and extension of such, turned my world upside down. Looking back, my way of controlling the situation even though I was only 8, was through performing rituals every morning and throughout school. I would be in an absolute state if I didn't perform these rituals. I used to have my Mum write notes to me, promising me that everything would be okay, and if she didn't I couldn't walk out of the door. As years went on, I began to slowly manage these impulses to make them less severe, but nevertheless were a part of my school life until I finished my A-levels. 

It was 2012 and GCSE year came around and this is where everything began to flare up again. As a very studious person, GCSEs at that time were my whole life and I would study at every opportunity I had. I thought if I even dropped a single grade or mark, it would be the end of the world, which I know now is not the case. But the pressure I put on myself made me have very small breakdowns and at one point, led to me trying to commit suicide. Needless to say I got through my GCSEs and that Summer was one of the best, but also when I noticed more issues with my mental health. I began to feel sick on a regular basis. In fact, every day at the end of year 11 I began to feel extremely sick every time I was in a school classroom or somewhere in which I was in a closed space. Throughout the Summer this became worse and I started to take paracetamol as somewhat of a safety blanket, even though I rationally knew that it wouldn't change anything. I began to become more anxious too and this was noticeable on results day when I had my second ever severe  panic attack behind the one when I went around town to apply for jobs. I had a real fear of being ill in front of other people, which I still have to a degree today. 

The first year of A-levels commenced in 2013 and I was still feeling sick everyday. I started to think something was physically wrong with me. I just thought it was a prolonged virus. I was so on edge and ready to leave a room within a few seconds. I actually remember  one incident vividly; we were being read the hungry caterpillar story as a metaphor of how our two years of A-levels was hopefully going to plan out, and the feeling of sickness was so intense. 

Everything eventually built up to one day when I was walking to school as usual, but instead this time I stopped at the end of the road and I just couldn't put one foot forward. I went home and my parent phoned my school to say that I was off sick. I tried again the next day where I managed to get into school, but as soon as I got there I had a panic attack and left. As far as I remember, from that day forward I could no longer leave the house. As the weeks went by, I went to the doctors to have blood tests which came back normal, which meant it was all in my head. This was on one of the days, when I just managed to leave the house. There was no virus or illness - I was in the middle of a mental breakdown. As time went on I couldn't answer the phone or door either. I had to cancel my driving lessons, I couldn't attend school or see my friends. My bedroom was my whole life. I tried every day to get to school. My mum would park outside the school gates; that's if I managed to even get out of the house that day and I had a panic attack. every day. Over many months I lost a lot of weight and just lost the will to live. I had to teach myself my A-levels. 

As can be imagined having anxiety that was that severe led to severe depression. My life was a prison and even though I tried with every bone in my body to walk out of the door and get better, I just mentally couldn't do it. People tried to physically force me out of the house and I resisted with all of my weight. I was shouted at and that didn't work either. It was time to realise that I really needed help. I had severe anxiety, depression, health anxiety and some OCD as told by my therapist. I needed help. On a daily basis, hand washing became a ritual as well as avoiding certain foods and drink, I often couldn't get out of bed, eat, leave the house, I often had periods of just losing control and just being utterly lost - it is the only was I can explain it. 

I went to the doctors to ask for help and got advised to counselling services that didn't exist, and yet wasn't even told about the services on the NHS. After doing independent research, I was put on the waiting list for counselling, which was 7 months long. But, I needed immediate help to stay alive. At that point in time I was harming myself and having suicidal attempts fairly regularly and I couldn't go on. My Mum paid for private counselling sessions which were based around hypnotherapy. They helped somewhat but no where near enough. It just didn't click with me. Eventually I got counselling on the NHS to which I saw three different people due to the severity. The CBT I had was immensely helpful, in which my therapist didn't just talk to me in their office, but actually went out into the community with me and challenged me to do things that made me anxious. It worked on a hierarchy, with the tasks that made me least anxious which was getting on a bus, to getting a job. During this time, CBT wasn't enough so after trying everything including diet and exercise, I went to the doctors for medication to which I was prescribed beta blockers, which did next to nothing for me. With continuing self-harm, suicidal attempts and loss of control, my last resort was medication and then if needed, hospitalisation. I eventually got prescribed anti-depressants which I didn't want to take because of my ongoing severe health anxiety, meaning that I worried that taking them would make me ill alongside a phobia of germs, food and drink that I was dealing with too. It took my mum forcing me to take them, to start my medication journey. 4 years later and I am still taking them. It was 6 weeks later and something clicked. I felt happy for the first time in many years. Alongside my medication and CBT I began to tackle the things that really made me anxious and I began to do the things I loved once more; from going to school and driving lessons. I couldn't get to school every day, but more than nothing at all. 

After a year or so, I was discharged from therapy, which was an amazing feeling. I went onto university in which I had a mental health mentor to continue my counselling. Now, after university I see the same counsellor privately. 

Today, I am 22 years old, a first class honours Law graduate who has their dream career. I am driving and living independently in my flat. I still have my triggers and I still suffer with anxiety and depression, but nothing compared to what it used to be. I haven't written about every single thing in detail and I don't think the real severity can be understood unless one was there to experience it, nor do I feel it appropriate to go into every detail. Nervetheless, I hope this has given you an updated insight!

If anything, I wish this story gives you hope that even in the darkest times, you have the strength to get better. I wouldn't have believed it when I was is in it, but now I am on the other side I know it is possible. 

Best Wishes,

Is this the best speaker for reducing anxiety? | AD

For a while now I have heard that music can reduce the effects that anxiety has, especially through singing. For myself it has always been the sunshine on a dark day. If it's before an exam, I can listen to something empowering or if I'm sad I will perhaps listen to something classical. It's not just when I'm anxious or feeling down that I listen to music, but it is part of our every day lives, whether it's first thing in the morning making our coffee, or in the middle of a field having a BBQ, there is always the opportunity to listen to music and enjoy the moment just that little bit more. 

Over the past few years I have always listened to my music through an old speaker that I got for Christmas one year. At the time it was revolutionary due to the bass and the sound that you could hear for long distances. However, as time has moved on I soon realised that it wasn't always the most practical way to listen to my music as it filled my dressing table, the sound wasn't as clear as it first was and it had been slowly detiortating. 

But there is something that can be revolutionary to help me listen to the music I need during difficult times, which is when I was fortunate enough to receive a treVolo S bluetooth speaker. Putting it on charge for the first time was very straight forward and simple, and whilst it was charging I thought I would see how it worked. Now, for someone who has had what was known as one of the best speakers for music at the time and has given me a lot of relief during my hard times of mental health, I wasn't sure whether there was much out there that could beat it, but I was wrong. The first song I played through it was Florence & the Machine's new song, which if you have listened to it, you'll know how sharp and clear the recording should be...something which I hadn't experienced as of yet. Playing this song through the Trevolo speaker, I finally understood what the music should sound like. It is clear and crisp and this is still the case even when you increase the sound. My Mother was outstanded by the clarity even when she was watching TV. The speaker isn't big, but it still packs a punch. It's hard to see how something so small can produce such a clear and warm sound, but it can! I can certainly agree with their statement that it can produce the most balances and relaxed sounds. And the best bit of all, is that unlike my other speaker my music doesn't have to be resigned to my room - not only is it bluetooth but it's completely portable, so you can take it wherever you want and the sound would be just as clear as a bigger speaker, especially since it can last for up to 18 hours! There's always the concern that the smaller the speaker, the more tinny the sound becomes, but this is certainly not case. If you're not a fan of bluetooth, there is also the option of using a USB to connect your music.

The various settings, such as 3D sound also let's you have the choice as to what quality and type of music you want to listen to. The option of 3D sound is fantastic for movies and TV programmes as it becomes somewhat of a surround sound from something that takes up little to no space. 

If you have been a reader for a long time, you know that I only write and share products and people that I believe have the capability of changing and improving people's lives. This product is one of them. Music is fabulous for anxiety, but it's even better when you can hear it in the best quality possible. If you want to learn more, you can do so, here.

Let me know what you think - What are best songs for overcoming anxiety? 

A leaf in an anxious world! | AD

For many, I know that spending time amongst nature can be a great help with anxiety. Below is a guest post from permaleaf, whom create and install amazing landscapes, plants and trees which are durable and always of highest quality no matter the weather. If this sounds like something you're interested in, then keep reading!

How To Choose The Most Amazing Outdoors Landscaping Options For Your Landscapes?

When installing an outdoors landscape in your home or office space, it is necessary that you choose the correct landscaping products. There are countless different brands in the market that sellvarioustypes of artificial landscaping products. However,when selecting artificialplants and trees for your landscape, you need to ensure that the products you choose have certainvital and essential functional benefits. Here’s what you need to take into considerationwhen choosinglandscaping products for your outdoors landscapes:

The Landscaping Products Should Be Affordable And Cost Effective

One thing you must take into consideration when choosing the perfect landscaping products for your outdoorsettingsis that the faux trees, outdoor plastic flowers andartificial patio plants must be affordably priced. Affordable pricing ofthe faux landscaping products makes installing these products easy on the pocket and prevents a situation where you overshoot your budget. Further, you also need to ensure that there are wholesale lots of faux plants, flowers andtrees available with the seller or manufacturer of the artificial landscaping products, as you will require wholesale lots for large sized projects.

The Landscaping Products Should Be Realistic And Lifelike

Manypeople are apprehensive about installing artificial landscaping products in their outdoor landscapes because these faux plants, trees, andflowers often look very unrealistic and like plastic. Such unreal looking plants and trees can be an eyesore. When selecting landscape products, you need to ensure that the ones that you choose are very realistic and lifelike. The artificial plants, trees, andflowers should resemble their real counterparts in an identical manner. The lush green leaves and vibrantly colored flowers of the landscaping products should be such that they can fool even the most trained eye.

Take Into Consideration The Weight Of The Faux Landscaping Products

Another thing to keep in mind when making a selection of artificial flower arrangements for outdoorslandscapes, faux trees andhigh-endartificialplants is that these faux landscaping products must be extremely lightweight. Unlike real plants the faux plants should not be very heavy and difficult to move around or transport.Heavyartificial plants and landscaping products only end up causing hassles for the installer and require laborers and landscaping artists to complete the job.

The Plants And Trees Must Be Sturdy, Long Lasting And Durable

Another thing to keep in mind when choosing faux landscaping products for your outdoorslandscapes is that the plants must be sturdy, long-lastingand durable. These products should be able to withstand rough handling and should also be ableto be placed in a wide range of harsh outdoors settings. The products must not be weak and should not get easily damaged in transport or installation. They should last for years and years on end without spoiling and without requiring frequent replacement.

The Artificial Landscaping Products Must Be Weather Proof

The faux landscaping trees, plants andflowers should be weatherproof. Considering that these landscaping products are going to be installedin outdoors settings, they will be exposedto harsh weather conditions and different kinds of climates. Special UV stabilizers and high-grade color pigments must be injected into the raw materials of the plants to ensure that these landscaping products do not fade or lose their color when exposed to the harsh rays of the sun intropical climates. Further, the trees and plants should be such that they can tolerate rainfall and snowfall without spoiling or deteriorating.




Quick And Easy Delivery

When selecting artificial landscaping products for your outdoorlandscape, you need to ensure that the seller of these items guarantees a quick and easy delivery. The delivery should be made right to your doorstep or to the place where you are installing the landscape. Purchasing faux plants and trees that need to be picked up and self-transportedonly will turn out to be a hassle for you. Not only will it create a situation where your time is wasted,butalso the transport will end up being a real hassle for you.

The Cleaning Process Must Be Uncomplicated

In many cases, the artificial landscaping products require special cleaning processes that only end up being a real waste of time. Specialchemicals and cleaning agents are requiredto keep the plants, trees andflowers looking fresh and new. Getting plants that need such cleaning chemicals and agents will only end up being a hassle for you and create a situation where the overall maintenance becomes very complex. Thus, it is essential that you choose faux landscaping products that require only a spray of water of a wet duster to keep them looking clean and fresh.

Professional Advice Must Be Available

When purchasing faux landscaping products, you need to ensure that the seller has a team of professional architects, landscaping artists and interior decorators who can give you proper advice on installing the landscape in your home or office space. These professionals should be able to provide you conceptual drawing and rendered images of the spacewhere you wish to install the plants and trees and must also be able to help you with the installation process. Getting proper advice for accurate installation of landscapes is necessary to prevent mishaps and disasters. Thus, when selecting the plants from a particular brand,you need to make sure that the seller offers you the option of installation as well as professional advice from his expert team to make the job easier.

When making a selection forlandscaping products you need to keep these things in mind. Affordable faux trees and plants that are weatherproof, easy to maintain and clean, lightweight and long lasting are just what you need for a quickand hassle-freelandscape installation.

Thanks to permaleaf for sharing their insight and working with me in how to make your environment that much better, easier and less stressful. You can visit their website using the links included in this post!

A new way to access mental health professionals | AD

Below is some information that I think is hugely important to those who are in need of therapy or just someone to talk to. Talkspace provides a new way to do this and we both have corroborated to bring you this post below.

Talkspace: A new way to access mental health professionals

Founded in 2012 by Oren Frank, Talkspace provides a new service which allows users to connect with therapists and mental health professionals through a smartphone app.

Talkspace has been growing recently, boasting 500,000 users as of November 2017. The company recently struck a deal with medical insurance provider Magellan Health. Magellan Health wants to be able to provide app based therapy to its clients, and soon people who receive their health insurance through Magellan Health will be able to use the Talkspace service as part of their insurance plan.

By changing the way clients and therapists are able to interact, Talkspace has broken new ground in the world of mental health care. The platform allows professional therapists to reach out to clients through text throughout the day. It also allows users to interact with their therapists face to face using video chatting.

Talkspace users and therapists operate asynchronous to one another, allowing access to therapy at any time of day, which is especially useful for people who are too busy to visit a therapist’s office.

Talkspace is currently jumping the hurdles that come with offering online therapy, training their health professionals to be able to properly communicate the empathy required for therapy to work through the text messages.

Oren, the CEO of Talkspace and a former mental health professional, hopes that, among other things, the spread of online therapy will remove the harmful stigma that is associated with seeking and receiving mental health care.

Anxiety won't kill you

The other day I took on the biggest personal challenge of my life so far...I had a really important assessment day for my dream future career in the public service. I have wanted do this particular career for my whole entire life and as of yet, I don't know whether I have been successful...but I am not feeling too confident. Needless to say it was one of the most nerve-racking situations of my life, if not - the most nerve wracking. I didn't feel too nervous for the actual day, it came over me more when I started the first exam.  

The assessment comprised of many different tasks, to which the first one led to me panicking mainly because it was the first task of the day and I didn't know what to expect. But, I tried to not let this affect my future progress because I had a long day ahead of me. As time went on, the anxiety reduced. However the two biggest tasks; the interview and the role-play were looming and even though I was there in the building every inch of my body was telling me to run and that there was no possible way for me to get through it. It came down to the role-play and I can honestly say that at that moment, stood outside the door and waiting for the buzzer was the most nerve wracking experience of my life or at least it felt like it at the time. If you've been a reader for a long time, you'll know that I have had anxiety for many years and I used to have a severity of anxiety that meant I couldn't leave the house and if I came anywhere near it, I would have a complete, out of control, meltdown and panic. In that moment standing outside of that door however, I had that feeling of wanting to run away. My heart was in my throat and it was a type of anxiety I don't think I have ever felt before. I think I felt such a way because usually by that point of severity of anxiety, it would've been expressed in a panic attack. But at that moment I couldn't. I was surrounded by other candidates, officers, actors and assessors. It was not the time and it took everything for me to maintain my composure. As a result I felt a type of severe anxiety that couldn't have any release and in that way, I just had to let it wash over me and it was exactly that. I literally felt the anxiety wash over and through me rather then letting it build up in tension. It's almost difficult to explain, but because I couldn't do anything to reduce it, I just had to make peace with it in some way. 

Knowing that I went through a situation of extreme anxiety and rather than running away like I always used to do, I stuck with it. It surprised me and I am extremely proud that I managed to do it. I'm not sure I could experience a level of anxiety much higher which provides me with the confidence that I can face many more challenges than I first ever thought I could. It just reinstated to me that if you think about it, you have survived every day so far, even those you thought you could never make it through.