Two years

Change is happening all around us, all of the time. It is happening to ourselves every single day, even if we are not purposefully forging forward with it. 

I have experienced more change in myself over these past two years than I have in the majority of my life. I'm twenty-four now, moving towards twenty-five and the last time I felt that I had to make as many life-changing decisions as I have, I was sixteen. During that time I was stripped back to my bare bones and had to build my life up from scratch. This is something I've not necessarily had to do again over these past two years, but I have definitely uncovered parts of me that I didn't know I still had issues with. 

it's taken everything I have had to make it through some of the horrific dark times during this period, but I've also been graced with so much growth. I've made mistakes, as does any human-being, but I feel that I have now been equipped with a strong sense of what I want and don't want and am getting to a point where I can see the light through the trees. Looking back, I felt that I knew myself and the state of play in the world, but now I know this was never the case at all. It took me taking a step back and spending many day alone by myself to understand the change that was right in front of my face. Naivety is always present. 

I've played with guilt a lot over these past few years too, wondering whether I'm making the right decision for myself and others. We all know that guilt comes from a subconscious effort to do the right thing and to treat those whom we love around us, with respect and honesty. If we feel that we haven't fulfilled that or done something that may have hurt others, this feeling will present itself. It's important to note however that the feeling of guilt may not mean that we have always done something wrong as the traditional understanding would suggest, but it can be us putting ourselves first which might be at the unfortunate detriment to some close to us. It's important to keep looking at ourselves and being truthful that if we have done wrong and haven't treated someone as well as we could, we try to fix it. But the notion of that must always be balanced with our external environment. Not every guilty feeling means we are inherently wrong, but we must always be able to accept where we have done wrong. I know I haven't always been right in the past and this is where we learn going forward, because we cannot go back.

If you are making the decision for yourself and not intentionally hurting others, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, it is about a fine balance but the core element remains that you cannot stop living your life because of other people's opinions or else you would be stuck in the same place forever. We all hate harming the people we are close to, but we cannot maintain the same from fear of the outside perception if we have been clear with those around us to the extent that is necessary.

Guilt is a funny thing. It's something that makes out heart sink and race and it may show us another side to ourselves, but it must be something that must always be meticulously reviewed and understood, balanced with harm and risk. The difficult times that come with it, often present ourselves with the most growth and at the time, we may feel that the struggle will never end but it always does in one way or another. Don't substitute.