Journey of depression

Unlike some people, my depression came about as a result of my severe anxiety that I faced. However, I would say that my suicidal thoughts and depression were felt as young as the age of 15, before my anxiety even became such a detrimental problem. At the time, I didn't tend to pay much attention, I just knew that I was in a very dark place at times. Luckily, these were far and few between until my breakdown at the age of 17.

As soon as my anxiety became so severe that I couldn't leave the house, my depression crept in and took over my whole being and there was nothing I could do about it. Everything in my life was taken away by my anxiety including school, friends, driving, picking up the phone, answering the door and even walking to the end of my road. I couldn't do anything and to be stuck inside and incapable of doing anything triggered my depression to a severe extent.

It's difficult to describe what depression is if you haven't experienced it yourself, but I have tried my best to summarize it, here. 

It was when the sky was blue and yet everything was dark. For me, it meant not caring for my appearance, always wearing black, having sleeping troubles, always feeling tired, having no motivation to do anything I loved (not that I had much ability to do that anyway!), loss of weight, endless crying, hysterics, not being able to get out of bed, loss of control, suicidal thoughts and some self harm. I was in a very troubled and dangerous place for my existence. The depression and mental health struggles I faced were absolute hell, and I was often pulled between the pillars of life and death on a regular basis. Keeping going was an immense struggle. However, I am glad I did.

I remember days and days where I wouldn't be interested in anything and I would just sleep to get some rest bite. I also remember times when my counselor had to come to my home because I was in such a terrible depressive state that I couldn't get outside. I must admit I hated filling in the depression and suicidal forms when I felt in such a bad way. But, I know they were there to look after me, along side my family, friends and teachers and I thank them greatly. 

Nowadays, as my anxiety has reduced and I am on medication, my depressive episodes are few and far between. However, I can find depression creeping up on me randomly and for no reason at all. Unfortunately, depression runs in the family and this is something that I continue to battle.

For those of you who know what depression is like, you'll know exactly what I have and can go through and for those of you that haven't, I hope you never ever have to, but please still educate yourself on this matter. For all of those fighting the immense struggle, please keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I was once in your position and now I am well on my way to recovery. I know you can do it too. Trust me on this!

Keep going - life can be beautiful.

Liebster award #2

I got nominated again for the Liebster award!

1. What is your favourite thing about blogging?

I think it's a great form of expression, which otherwise you freely wouldn't be able to do. I have also met so many people who have been through or who are going through similar situations to me, which hasn't only helped me, but those around me.

2. What is your must have beauty product?

I'm not a massive fan of beauty products, but I suppose it would have to be my Nivea primer. It works super well and you've got to have a solid base to build upon, right?!

3. What is the most worn item in your wardrobe?

Just recently, I've thrown away quite a few of my old tops because of the move to university and the memories that they hold. But, I reckon it must be my red tartan winter jacket. It must be at least five years old. The pockets have holes in, but I just love it too much to ever get rid of it!

4. Favourite movie?

It has to be Bend it like Beckham. It reminds me of my childhood and it's definitely a happy go lucky film. I could watch it forever. I wish they made a second one, or at least one with the same cast.

5. Would you start a YouTube channel?

I would like to, but I'm not sure I have the confidence. I write this blog anonymously, but I'd like my YouTube channel to be related to my blog somehow. It would requite me being in the video. Perhaps when I finally feel comfortable showing myself, then I will think about setting up a YouTube channel as it seems an opportunity full of experiences. 

6. Your favourite restaurant / place to eat out?

This is difficult. I'm not sure whether it's a chain restaurant, but it's called Pierre's. It's a french restaurant which does the most amazing food.

7. What is your favourite place/country that you have traveled to?

I would like to say that I remember America quite well, but unfortunately I don't. My favourite place other than that is probably London or in terms of a country, Italy.

8. Your favourite quote?

There's way too many that I like!

9. What would you like to be doing in 5 years time?

Finish my training as a lawyer or be in the police force. I think It's more towards the police force than anything else, which is something I've wanted to do since I was seven years old. But above all, happy I suppose.

10. Your favourite book?

The Noughts and Crosses series. The first book in the series is the only one that has ever made me cry. 

11. Do you have any pets?

No. But I would love to.

Amy Xx

How many times can I come out alive?

May be triggering.

I often ask myself, how many times can I be pushed and pulled between the poles of life and death. I find that for the majority of life, this has the been the case and just as you feel you are getting somewhere, you get pulled back again. This is something I am used to, but as many of you will know, just because you are used to certain trauma in your life, doesn't mean that you will never get tired of it. 

I find that I am in a much better place now than I was a few years ago and for that I am proud. I can also say that I am beginning to find happiness again - something which I never thought I'd experience for a long time. And even though this is the case, I can't help but be haunted by the continuous traumas that I experience in my life and I find myself questioning how many times can my body be put through this and come out alive? 

When we face trauma, it is extremely difficult especially those that are continuous like a break up of a family, or the illness of a family member. As a you and I both know, that as a sufferer of mental illness, these events don't impact lightly, nor would it on a person who doesn't suffer from such either! But, when we get pulled back into the pain and darkness that we have felt so many times with our mental illness, it has a detrimental effect because you and I both know that we never ever want to go back to the depth of hell that we have experienced. Not only that, but when we begin to find happiness again, it's difficult to comprehend that it might be being taken away all too soon. 

When such repeated traumas come around, I feel exhausted. Knowing that I've been experiencing such for over a decade, and there is no escape. The fact, that I wonder how much more I can cope with and how much longer I can stay alive.

As difficult as it is, I remind myself that this is that way it is, as unfair as it may be - the world doesn't owe me anything. It's just that some people get a better deal of cards than others. I remind myself that these are all bumps in the road on the way to recovery. And as tired and angry as I get, I remind myself that I cannot change this and I know there must be good to come. I just have to go through this pain to get to the other side. It cannot be helped. No year is perfect. 

You can keep going. You are stronger than you think.

Amy Xx