Guest post: Mary's story

Anxiety: A Half Life

I am thirty years old and I have had anxiety since I was fifteen; I’m assuming there must have been some kind of trigger but I’ve never been able to pin it down to one specific moment in my life. Perhaps that’s not important anyway.

Anxiety feeling out of control but having to be in control. It’s being afraid but being unable to name the fear.

I have had anxiety for fifteen years but it feels like forever, I can’t remember how it feels not to have anxiety anymore and I’m terrified this will always be my life. For the last ten years I have been agoraphobic, for six months out of those ten years I couldn’t leave my bedroom, for the last two years I was making progress, getting out with my husband, visiting family – I even made it on a bus!  - but then three months ago I was in town with my mum and had a BIG panic attack, you know the kind where you think you’re going to pass out and be sick? Lovely! As you can imagine I was devastated, it was the first time anxiety had made me go back home in two years and since then I’ve been struggling to do the things I was doing so well at...walking the dogs, going out to town with a friend...so I did what I should have done a long time ago – I asked for help.

I had done this once before in my old town but the mental health service was...less than helpful. I was basically told if you can’t get in to see us we can’t help you – not very helpful for someone suffering with agoraphobia!

Luckily the new county I live in has an excellent mental health service and I was put on medication, which after a bit of trial and error began to work and appointments were made for me to begin CBT which best of all could be done over the phone!

I have been on Fluoxetine for a month now and so far I’ve had CBT three times; I’ve learnt that when I thought I was doing well I actually wasn’t because I was using ‘safety behaviours’ such as my MP3, bottle of water, tissues and always having someone with me which meant I wasn’t letting my brain deal with or learn how to cope with anxiety. So now I go out every day without any safety behaviours, so far I can only get to the top of my street but it’s such an achievement for me and my therapist is really happy with my progress; my next aim is to get to the shops by myself and then I’ll be going in a shop, alone for the first time in...far too long!

It’s hard and it’s horrible because the only way you can get over it is by letting yourself feel the anxiety which is the hardest thing in the world. It’s like if someone was scared of snakes and the only way for them to get over the fear was to stand in a bucket of snakes for one hour...but will it be worth it? YES!

Mary Hoyle

tree-trunk@hotmail.co.uk

I should?

I've always been hard on myself. My best has never been good enough and even when I had done something well, I never let myself revel in it for too long before I move on to what I think should be my next improvement. 

I found myself talking to my counsellor about this and I also wrote about this in a previous post, that I should be over a traumatic experience by now, I should have a paid job by now and the list could go on. I'm forever searching for ways to be better and although we should all strive to become better people, I find that it is becoming detrimental that I am never feeling that I am good enough or if I do well and I don't give myself a chance to celebrate. It was suggested that part of the reason for this may be because I don't like attention drawn to me, thus I tend to move on quickly from achievements. It's hard to dwell too much on what I've achieved and it's probably about time that I did. 

I feel that the more pressure we put on ourselves in regards to our lives and mental illnesses, the worse we are going to feel. There is no one else out there telling me what I should be doing and what I should overcome because I am on my own journey and I am not competing with others. We all have our individual qualities, and what we may think are aspects that we need to improve about ourselves, may be someone else's goal. It's important to give yourself credit for what you have achieved as mental illness is an extremely hard battle. It may take a lot of willpower to take the stress off of yourself and allow yourself to stretch out and accept the strength that you have - I know it will for me. I have been trying to be easier on myself for many years and although I have improved a bit, it is still really hard for me to let go of that niggling voice that is telling me to do more and to be better. But, it is possible to improve and I hope you can join me on this journey. 

Let's try to take some time to reflect on all of things we are proud of and all of things we have achieved. You may be surprised at how well you have done. 

My Buddy Box

I was so excited when I got contacted to review Blurt Foundation's Buddy Box. For those of you who don't know, Blurt Foundation is an organisation that is helping people through their mental illnesses, namely depression. Not too long along ago, they set up a monthly box which they send to their subscribers filled with a range of different things to help you through that month and continue to help you battle your struggles. I like to think that it's a hug in a box. Although it won't solve your mental illness, it certainly does help to have things that can help you through it. I'm really happy that such a service exists because I forever see boxes for beauty, but I have never seen one dedicated to those who are affected by depression. I can't wait to try all of the items included and see how they help me along my way. 

This month's box included a notebook and pencil, some tea, some seaweed for the bath, some postcards and an origami set. I will certainly be using the notebook and pencil as I am always writing, as for the seaweed I find having baths as a great way to reduce anxiety and so I will try it next time round. Tea is also another calming method I use - I always find it it to be a cuddle in a cup. However, I've never tried this flavour so it will be all new to me. And finally, I used to do origami when I was younger, but I gave it up. I never seem to do many things that are creative these days so perhaps this is a sign to get back into something like this. It's also a great way to take a step back from the day and have some time not think about the world around you. 

I am really impressed with this box and I think it will help many people. If you're interested in becoming a subscriber or wish to get a box for someone you love, then click, here.

Thanks again,

Guest post: Khiron House

Now and then I have the occasional guest post here on my blog, and today's post is from Khiron house. I hope reading both this blog post and mine on tips to help with anxiety, will help with your recovery.

9 steps to deal with anxiety

Dealing with anxiety every day can feel like a losing battle, especially when you feel like you’re the only person dealing with it. In the UK it has been estimated one in six people will suffer anxiety or depression every year. It’s important to know that you’re not alone and there are many ways to help you deal with anxiety.

Here are nine steps you can introduce into your daily life to help reduce anxiety and chances of having a panic attack.

1) Be early

At any event, make an effort to get there early so you’re not rushing. Being afraid or nervous about being late to an appointment can make you feel really stressed. You can avoid this by making sure you set off early so you can erase any possibility of being late.

2) Follow a routine

You can sometimes feel stressed if your plans get thrown off course, whilst you can’t always control your daily schedule, you can try to follow a routine that can minimise any stressful situations from rising up. 

3) Start the day positive

I understand this one is not always easy. But, if you can start the day on a positive note, it can help pave the rest of your day. Before you even get out of bed, think about three positive things: these can be three things you’re thankful for or three things that make you smile (like that cute puppy video you watched the other day). This simple daily routine can relieve stress and naturally make you feel happy.

4) Get plenty of sleep

Getting enough sleep is important for many reasons. Along with benefiting your health, sleep can also benefit your attitude and dispel any negative feelings. When you’ve had a bad night’s sleep you can sometimes feel sensitive and easily stressed, but getting enough sleep can contribute toward having a positive outlook.

5) Exercise

Doing daily exercise has been proven to help with anxiety. Yoga is regularly recommended because it’s a soft and relaxing exercise. Yoga helps stretch your muscles, relieve stress and the controlled breathing summons a wonderful feeling of calmness and serenity.

6) Avoid caffeine

I understand you might enjoy your cup of coffee in the morning but caffeine can make you feel even more stressed. Studies have shown that caffeine can inhibit the way you cope with anxiety and can provoke panic attacks. Instead of caffeine, get plenty of sleep or try exercise as that helps reduce stress and releases endorphins.

7) Write it down

Get in a habit of writing your thoughts and feelings down. Writing is a recommended therapy when dealing with anxiety because you can write down your worries and it helps you process those moments. Keep a journal with you or wait until you get home in the evening to write down what you did that day.

8) Controlled breathing

Often you can calm your nerves with a simple breathing technique. Take a smooth, deep breath through your nose, feel your diaphragm stretch. Hold it for a moment. Then slowly release the air through your mouth. Repeat the technique. Focus on your breathing. Controlled breathing exercises relieves stress and helps calm anxiety. You can do the breathing technique standing or sitting, but personally I find it easier to stand.

9) Speak to a therapist

The process of talking to someone can be very beneficial when you’re dealing with anxiety. Speaking to friends and family is always recommended but if you find it hard to talk to them, try speaking to a therapist. Seeing a trained therapist on a regular occasion can be therapeutic and they can offer advice on how to treat your anxiety.

There are many ways to deal with anxiety, don’t let it take over your life.

If you would like me to write a guest post for your magazine/website etc, then please get in touch. Similarly, if you would like to write a blog post for my blog, do get in touch! You're welcome to email me.

Mindfulness

One method I use to battle my anxiety and depression is through mindfulness.

A lot of people recommend it and although it is beneficial, I don't think it can fully cure you from your struggles.

Mindfulness is about taking time out of your day to focus on yourself and to block the world out. It provides an escape and a focus on your mental health. I find on an everyday basis I can get stressed and caught up in the happenings around me and sometimes taking time away from that is just what I need - and you can do it too!

All you need to do is find somewhere you feel calm and relaxed, such as the garden or your bedroom and find somewhere comfortable to lay or sit. Some people prefer to sit in silence, but I prefer to find some meditation or sleeping music on youtube which helps to calm me. I tend to spend around 10 - 20 minutes with my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing and the muscles in my body. I focus on my breathing through taking a shorter breath in than the breath I exhale or I use number counting to count the seconds of my breath. With my body, I tend to start at the top of my head and imagine every muscle relaxing until I get to the tip of my toes. If I feel my mind wondering, I try to bring it back by focusing on my breathing.

It may be difficult at first, but once you get it, you can feel completely refreshed, calm and sometimes even quite light!

Lots of people recommend it and I personally think it's something that is helpful to all.

Journey of depression

Unlike some people, my depression came about as a result of my severe anxiety that I faced. However, I would say that my suicidal thoughts and depression were felt as young as the age of 15, before my anxiety even became such a detrimental problem. At the time, I didn't tend to pay much attention, I just knew that I was in a very dark place at times. Luckily, these were far and few between until my breakdown at the age of 17.

As soon as my anxiety became so severe that I couldn't leave the house, my depression crept in and took over my whole being and there was nothing I could do about it. Everything in my life was taken away by my anxiety including school, friends, driving, picking up the phone, answering the door and even walking to the end of my road. I couldn't do anything and to be stuck inside and incapable of doing anything triggered my depression to a severe extent.

It's difficult to describe what depression is if you haven't experienced it yourself, but I have tried my best to summarize it, here. 

It was when the sky was blue and yet everything was dark. For me, it meant not caring for my appearance, always wearing black, having sleeping troubles, always feeling tired, having no motivation to do anything I loved (not that I had much ability to do that anyway!), loss of weight, endless crying, hysterics, not being able to get out of bed, loss of control, suicidal thoughts and some self harm. I was in a very troubled and dangerous place for my existence. The depression and mental health struggles I faced were absolute hell, and I was often pulled between the pillars of life and death on a regular basis. Keeping going was an immense struggle. However, I am glad I did.

I remember days and days where I wouldn't be interested in anything and I would just sleep to get some rest bite. I also remember times when my counselor had to come to my home because I was in such a terrible depressive state that I couldn't get outside. I must admit I hated filling in the depression and suicidal forms when I felt in such a bad way. But, I know they were there to look after me, along side my family, friends and teachers and I thank them greatly. 

Nowadays, as my anxiety has reduced and I am on medication, my depressive episodes are few and far between. However, I can find depression creeping up on me randomly and for no reason at all. Unfortunately, depression runs in the family and this is something that I continue to battle.

For those of you who know what depression is like, you'll know exactly what I have and can go through and for those of you that haven't, I hope you never ever have to, but please still educate yourself on this matter. For all of those fighting the immense struggle, please keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I was once in your position and now I am well on my way to recovery. I know you can do it too. Trust me on this!

Keep going - life can be beautiful.

Perfection

We are always told that no one is perfect, and this is true. But, it's hard to believe when you end up comparing yourself with someone else who seems to have everything going for them. But, it's important to remind yourself that you are "comparing your behind the scenes with everyone else's show reel." Even though I know perfection doesn't exist, I still strive for it. This can be both good and bad and in theory I should achieve better outcomes, but it's always more detrimental to my mental health. 

I found that the day I moved to university, my happiness had reached a new level. And as time moves on, I begin to experience happiness; something which I haven't experienced in many, many years and it's the most wonderful feeling. Currently, I still feel blessed and I can honestly say I am happy. Even though my happiness is tainted sometimes and my mental health can be a struggle; something, which I expected and what I am struggling with currently.

I know that just because we change or try something new, doesn't mean that our mental health and other issues aren't going to follow us. But, it's hard to remind ourselves of that. I've found that experiencing happiness that I have missed for so long, hurts when it gets tainted and I end up losing my balance with my mental health. Questions whir around my head about others and I get scared, because I've been in the darkest depths and there is no way in hell, that I ever want to go back. But, you and I both must remind ourselves of this;

Everybody in life has their own journey and we are all different. What we see on the outside, is never what's going on the inside. Recovery is about progress, and when we have times when we wobble and our mental illness comes back to haunt us; we worry. We are scared that we will never escape. But, it's important to hold on and remember how far you've come. Only a couple of years ago, I couldn't leave the house and now I am living independently. We all have our achievements. And yes, I have questions as to why has this happened to me?, why do I have to do a double take on every action?, why is it me? It angers me so much, but as much as that can trouble me, this is it. This is me. And I find that I now have a greater depth of the world as a result. I find that, just because we wobble doesn't mean we are going to go back. Each relapse, makes you stronger. And even though you question, how many times can I come out of this alive? And as tired as you are, as much as you feel things aren't perfect, and as much as you feel things are slipping; no one is happy all of the time. But, perhaps you hold onto happiness more tightly than others, because you know that pain can be around the corner. But, as unfair as it is, you are strong and capable to get through it and taking time out is okay, because sometimes, it can all get too much. You've done it before and you can do it again.

Remember, no one is perfect.

Best Wishes,

A journey of depression

Hello, my name is Callum. I'm 19 years old and I experienced my first mental health issue about 18 months ago. I remember it like a light switch in my head. In my younger years, I was confident and regularly participated in social events with friends, got up on stage and was vocal in school classes. Looking back on this part of my life now, it scares me to see how much I've changed. Before I was carefree and now I struggle to talk to new people.

It began in October 2013. I was 17 and was attending a big party, which the whole year of my sixth form was invited to and this might sound cliché but my first instance of depression was triggered by unrequited love; my interest in her was essentially laughed off. I returned home from this party, ended up vomiting and then after a terrible night's sleep I woke up, wishing that I hadn't. I suppose at first I was hoping this was just a phase but these feelings ensued for months. Sixth form was becoming a struggle every day and I'd escape into my own world, headphones plugged in, playing my music so loudly that I couldn't hear what people had to say. I think it was fairly noticeable that I wasn't doing well, but one thing I can say is that these few months really showed me who my friends are.

The Christmas holidays came around and I was still struggling. I often questioned my existence and it was the first time that I self-harmed, punching a wall until I bled. I already wanted to escape Sixth Form, however following a slight public humiliation after continuing to pursue this girl I liked, my depression got worse. Over the holidays alone I lost around tow stone from not eating and had barely said a word to anyone. During this period I was regularly asked by my parents if anything was up, to which I replied with "no everything's fine". My parents had a lot on their plate and I felt that they didn't need my problems. That might sound absurd, but I felt as if I didn't matter to anyone, family included.

In A-levels there was a lot of pressure on exams; an area in which "Old Callum" used to excel. That was certainly not the case come April 2014. With the continued depression and bottling up of emotions teamed with the stress of exams, I broke down. I had my first anxiety attack and it felt horrendous. I was about 10 minutes from school when I turned to my mum and told her I couldn't go in. She seemed a little confused, but I really couldn't go further. After taking me home I sat on the floor of my room and cried listening to music for a few hours. After a few days away from school with anxiety, my Dad dragged me in and I was referred to counselling. It was really useful for this particular time in my life; someone to talk to was what I needed and after a couple of months things were starting to look up. Although I still felt down, there was no more self harm and I was coping with my stress and anxiety levels better than before.

After exams and a summer of ups and downs of equal measure, I embarked on university life. It was a mix of emotions for me. I couldn't wait to leave home, a place I associated with depression but I was scared to meet new people and socialising, especially given that I'm not much of a drinker! I was wrong. Although I was practically silent for the meet and greet event in my accommodation block, I came away with 3 fantastic friends, who I will get the pleasure of living with next year.

Finally, things were getting better. I was enjoying my course, I met amazing people and I was in an exciting new city far away from home. The only problem I faced was that I was still feeling depressed. I couldn't understand why and this drove me to become really angry at myself. It had been a year since I started feeling this way and despite everything being right, I still felt wrong. Although I was grateful that I finally had a friend to talk to who had similar experiences and without whom I'm not sure I could have made it through university.

After another bad winter break and the largest mental breakdown I've suffered to date, I realised something needed to be sorted out. A talk with my friends led me to the GP, after which I got prescribed medication. Afterwards, I called my family and explained what had happened. I wish I had done it sooner as even my dad, who I did not always get on with, was compassionate and understanding. Needless to say my family relationship has improved since.

I'm just shy of a month into my course of medication and despite a few early hiccups things are starting to improve with a few days of clarity, something I haven't felt since the beginning of it all.

I hope my journey has helped you know that you're not alone and I think if I can take anything away from this, it would be to trust those close to you with your mental health issues. Chances are, they will be there for you and a problem shared is a problem halved. I know that it can be tough, but stick at it, it will get better.

Callum.

Losing yourself

Out the whole mental health journey, I've found losing myself as the hardest part. I am no longer the person that I was because my mental health slowly deteriorated and took away the girl I once was, and this holds a pain that is almost unbearable.

I used to be seen as a bright and hard working student. The 'perfect' student who was always doing well and reaped the rewards from her hard work. But as my anxiety got hold, the grades began to drop and people no longer saw me as this "Mary Poppins". The very thing I took pride in was my education and it was slipping through my hands. As I began to lose my education, I began to lose any lust for life. I stopped driving lessons, seeing my friends and even leaving the house. I was always a person that loved going out and exploring new things, but the worse I got, the harder it became to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. As a child, I was always told that I woke up with a big smile on my face. I always laughed and enjoyed myself. But as depression set in, I couldn't laugh anymore, I couldn't smile and I couldn't see any positivity. I was no longer the smiling and optimistic girl.

Even though it pains me to think about this, looking at this from a stronger standpoint has made me review myself as someone that is in reconstruction. Perhaps, this had to happen for me to come out of my shell and to experience new things. I may never be that person again, but I am slowly improving and I think it's for the better. I am proud and almost somewhat accepting of my journey. I know without the tackling of my anxiety, I would still be the Old Amy, stuck inside her comfort zone and now, I am in a much better place. Even though it is really difficult to tackle the things that scare me and the journey has been hell on earth, I am experiencing and enjoying life like never before, and I know without my anxiety journey, I would still be stuck.

Perhaps, after years of losing myself, I am finally finding myself again; a new version of myself too. 

For anyone else who feels lost, it's important to remember that this is a journey that is making you stronger. You are in it now and rather than anxiety robbing you from what you have, you are beating it with all that you have and you are becoming better from it. I know it's hard, almost undesirably hard. But you can do it.

Best Wishes,

My year in review 2014

I don't know how I can begin to comprehend the journey that has been this year. If you've been following my blog, you'll know that last year was "hell in more ways than one." You can read more about 2013, here.

Although the year had a rocky start, with my worst depressive episode, it was immensely better than 2013. Anxiety was still a big problem in terms of school, but by beginning a course of medication, life became so much easier. I began to tackle the things that scared me the most. I was definitely pinned to the post between life and death, but I can happily say that this year has been one of the best in a long time, and for that I am forever grateful. 

I don't think you can truly experience the beauty that life holds, unless you have been to the darkest depths. This year, I have felt the fresh air like never before and held on to moments with every last grip. In a way, I can experience life at a new level. This year, instead of having limited positive experiences to talk about, I have too many to list; from getting into university (I have to say, I am having the time of my life), meeting my idol for the second time, being discharged from therapy, conquering some of my anxiety triggers, concerts, travelling; the list could go on.

Never did I think that I would experience happiness again, and even though I still have my bad days, and although I know haven't gotten over my anxiety completely, my life is a world away from the last year. It's almost incomprehensible. Once I was on the tightrope between life and death and now I am living independently and discovering happiness once more. I cannot thank my family, friends and teachers enough, as without them I don't know where I'd be. And of course you, the readers of my blog have been super supportive and for that I thank you. I wrote in last years', year in review that I hoped that the next year would be more of a dream than a nightmare, and my hopes have become a reality. At the beginning of 2013, I couldn't leave the house. And now, at the end of 2014, I am living independently. I never thought it possible, but life is full of twists and turns. You can do it. 

When people ask me what my greatest achievement is out of this continuing process, I have to think. But, my answer always remains the same. "surviving" I say. "Because I never thought I'd see the day." 

Best Wishes,

19 things I've learnt

Since recently turning 19, I thought it would be a good idea to write down 19 things I've learnt in the 19 years that I've been alive. Perhaps this will act as a bit of memoir to my younger self and to others.

1. Always be yourself. It sounds so cliche but there isn't anything more true. Yes, you may get stick for it, but persevere. It's definitely worth the time. Don't worry about what others think of you.

2. Don't give in to peer pressure. I know it can be extremely hard. But, at the end of the day you will be doing what you want to do with your life instead of spending it living other peoples'. Anyway, a friend isn't a friend if they're making you do things you don't want to do.

3. Family is extremely important. Always make time for them.

4. Some friends will come and go, but there will be those special few that you must hold on to.

5. Love can be beautiful, but it may not last. Don't let it consume you to the point that you cut out everything else in your life. You'll regret it later.

6. Education is the basis of all things. Work hard and you will reap the rewards. I know you may not want to do that homework or revise for the test, but I promise in the end it will pay off. And whether you like it or not, teachers will impact on you for the rest of your days.

7. On the other hand, don't let school consume you. Unfortunately, the government puts a lot of pressure on schools and thus on pupils to do well. Try not become too overwhelmed. Remember your goals and you are your own person.

8. Life can be magical. Sometimes things can happen, which you would never have thought possible. It's beyond comprehension; embrace it.

9. Money isn't everything. Yes you need it to survive, but one day you might get told you only have so much life to live. You'd wish you'd spent it enjoying yourself, being with the ones you love and lessening it's importance, rather than waiting for a rainy day you may now never reach.

10. Be nice to people. You don't know what they're going through. Don't create unnecessary drama, but stand up for what you believe in. 

11. The most toxic thing you can do is to compare yourself to others. It's difficult not to, but in the end "the race is only with yourself". It's your life to lead.

12. The darkest and hardest of times make you appreciate life when you come out of the other side. You are stronger than you think.

13. Give yourself credit. Be proud of your achievements.

14. There are heaters and drains in this world. Don't waste your time hanging around people who are toxic. There are only so many chances you can give.

15. Worrying doesn't improve things in any way. It only makes things worse. The things you worry about the most, highly likely won't even happen.

16. Remember to take a step back now and then. Remember the pillar between life and death.

17. Nature is amazing. Observe it and experience it as much as you can.

18. Time is not a limitless supply.

19. It's true you don't know what you've got until it's gone; cherish every moment. In the end, being surrounded by the people you love and the memories they hold, is the only importance. 

Jon's confidence

Guest blog post from Jon.

How to build confidence when you feel like you don´t have any!

We all want to have an inner sense of confidence, and to live life carefree without any doubts. The problem with anxiety sufferers is that at times we can be full of doubts. So how do you turn things around and start to develop a strong sense of self-assurance?

Learn how to deal with yourself, not the situation
First of all you need to take practical steps in learning how to deal with yourself. In facing situations you find difficult. You can´t wait for confidence or you´ll be waiting forever. So take a deep breath and step outside your comfort zome. Willingly put yourself into situations you try to avoid. Speak up! Accept that you will feel nervous but don´t fight it, just go with it. Act in spite of how you feel. This is the key!

There´s no magic bullet in building confidence. You need to prove your doubts wrong. And then to prove them wrong again and again! By facing situations that make you feel anxious over and over again you will develop that voice inside you that says ¨I can do it!¨

Constantly remember past success
To help this voice grow you need to take note of such moments where you faced your difficulties and overcame them. To do this I recommend you keep a journal. At the end of each day write down the difficult moments you faced and how you dealt with yourself successfully. Also review your past successes daily. This will reinforce an attitude of confidence. Also in your quiet moments such as waiting for the bus you can reflect on your past successes. Remember how good it felt to come through the other side despite how you felt and give yourself a big pat on the back.

And then next time when you are going into a moment you usually find difficult take a moment to think of some of your previous successes and bask in your glory. Really appreciate how great you have done! And then you can go forward into the situation with an inner confidence that you are becoming a stronger person.

Make lists
Another thing which will helps reinforce, and build your confidence and self.esteem is writing down positive thngs about yourself. I recommend making lists of your positive attributes, past achievements, compliments people have given you, and things you´re good at. And then reviewing these lists daily. This will get you into the habit of seeing yourself in a positive light, of seeing yourself as a confident person who holds themself in high-esteem.

These things actually happened. So whenever you are feeling down, and need a little pick me up, you can remember your past successes, or something from your list and you will instantly feel better.

It´s a marathon not a sprint
Becoming a confident person takes time and commitment. By keeping a journal and lists and reviewing them daily, little by little you will transform. And before you know it you won´t even have to think about it anymore, you will just be a confident person. You´ll feel great with an deep sense of satisfaction of having grown into the confident person you deserve to be.

This all takes work. But it´s more than worth it. Seeing yourself change into a more confident, self-assured person is a great feeling. The act of taking control and becoming like this through your own effort is deeply satisfying, and gives you more confidence to go into the future with more enthusiasm. So, don´t wait any longer. Start facing difficult situations, focus on the positive, remember your successes, and start being the confident person you really are!

http://manotomano.com/

Just say yes

Generally speaking, saying yes provides more opportunity and better experiences because you're doing something you don't usually do.

Of course the typical difficulty that you and I face, is that sometimes saying yes brings overwhelming fear which means we cannot physically do it, or we may face panic attacks and other struggles.

But, you can do it! By saying yes, you will be undertaking exposure which is what many therapists ask you to do to reduce your anxiety. For example, by saying yes to catching a bus, you are exposing yourself to the situation and ultimately reducing your anxiety in the long run. The more you do it, the less your anxiety until you no longer have it. For example, I can now leave the house, catch buses and ask for things with practically no anxiety. But, there once was a time when I couldn't even walk towards the door.

Do you want to go clubbing?, travelling?, do you want to go to a party? All of these things would provide anxiety for me, but you have to leave it behind as it will. By doing these things, you'd probably have a good time despite your haunting thoughts. You have to try and go with your gut feeling and take a change. Perhaps try and set a goal and say you'll say yes for a few days. See how you feel, even if it may cause anxiety beforehand. I guarantee, that the things you've wanted to do, but have been scared to say yes to, will be fine. 

Of course there are priorities, and you may not be in your stage of recovery where you feel comfortable. I have to say this was the biggest thing stopping me. When my anxiety was quite severe I didn't feel anywhere near ready to be doing the things I am doing now. So, it's totally understandable if you can't say yes to everything right now. Don't beat yourself up about it, I can totally sympathise and understand that mindset. My anxiety still stops me from saying yes to things now, but as time is moving on for me, the more things I am able to say yes to, and I only feel this way because of the stage I am at. It does take time to train your brain to battle the doubting thoughts, so try to be patient and keep going!

Best Wishes,

Suicide

For some this post may be triggering, so please don't feel you need to carry on reading. The charity Samaritans are here to help, you can call them on 08457 90 90 90 (UK)

I've decided to take this step into writing this post because I very rarely see anyone talking about this topic directly. It's always covered up or ignored even though the loss of life is very real. Suicide, which I'm sure many of you are aware of, or have thought about is the taking one's own life. I know for many this post will want to be avoided because you don't want to think about it. But, this is exactly the point. Suicide and it's awareness cannot be ignored for any longer.

Here in England, there is a death every two hours.

This death could be your family member, your friend, your partner, parent or teacher. This is what makes the statistic even more shocking and the worst part is that people still ignore it. Suicide is a very real problem and there is the possibility that someone close to you is experiencing suicidal feelings or has tried to kill themselves. You may not even know and that is the scariest part. Occasionally however, a person may show signs of needing help or even directly asking for help. Please make sure you are a listening ear. Try just to listen, and to not make any comments on the matter. There are signs to be looking out for and ways to help, which you can read about, here.

Suicide isn't always directly connected to a mental health issue and there doesn't need to be a reason for it. Either way, it can still be fatal.

By writing this post, I don't just want to raise awareness, but I want to make sure that you understand something. When we feel suicidal, there is no way out, there is no help, there is often the feeling that no one understands and some people even feel that no one would miss them or love them. But, let me tell you this; people will miss you and people do love you. Whatever you are facing, and for however long, whether it's months or years, you can keep going. Often, the endless pain with no happiness for so long, and even the loss of what we once had leads us to feeling that we don't have the strength to carry on and I know that it is what you experiencing. But, let me tell you even when you feel you are taking your last few breaths, you do have the strength to carry on, there is a way out and it will come in time. Life is very unexpected and one day you will find the light again, and you will enjoy the love of life once more. I don't blame you at all for feeling like you do, but trust me when I say it will get better. Even if what I'm writing sounds like a shot in the dark and completely false, I do know that you can get there. 

Best Wishes and keep fighting,

A new chapter

I am officially a Law undergraduate; it's strange to hear myself say these words.

I have really been enjoying university so far. It's a world away from home and I'm glad I made the move. I'd be lying if I said anxiety isn't  something I have to cope with on a daily basis, but I'm hoping to continue to tackle it before it becomes too much of a problem in my every day life at university. On the other hand, I have met many different people from all walks of life. I have found that some of these have been through similar issues that I have, which still surprises me, even though one in four experience problems with their mental health in any one year. I'm lucky to have met people who are as understanding.

Meeting new people has meant I was out almost every night for freshers. Although it was somewhat out of my comfort zone, I found a good group of people I could and can have a good time with. It just shows that stepping outside of your comfort zone is something we should all try once in a while. Cooking is still something I am getting used to and I'm sure that I'll get there eventually. But, for the moment I reckon I'm a long way from being the next winner of Masterchef! 

It's been over a month since moving out and yet it feels longer. I already feel I have embraced my independence. Taxis and buses, food shopping, budgeting, cleaning, joining societies and going to see a new doctor are all a main part of my life now. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get my independence back, but I have. I hope that from reading the beginning of my story of anxiety, to reading where I am now will give you hope. 
Once, the sheer thought of getting in a taxi would send panic through my body and stop me from moving and yet, I can now get in a taxi by myself. I know that it can seem that you'll never recover and you'll never be able to do the things you love; I have been there. But, you will get there over time, you just have to ride the wave with the knowledge that there is light at the end. Never be ashamed of your journey; you're not alone. 

I will keep you updated with my university journey and I hope to be back into a blogging routine very soon. Feel free to ask me any questions about my recent move! You can do more than your mind thinks you can.

Best Wishes,

I can't be happy

How many times have you heard someone say to you to "just be happy" or to "cheer up" and yet it feels like an impossibility? I know we all have down days; when we feel sad and tired and times when little words of encouragement and doing what we love can make us feel a whole lot better. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.

There have been so many occasions where people have said to me, to "just think positively, when you do that your whole mindset will turn around." As much as I tried, I just couldn't think positively. I just couldn't change my life around. Thus, when someone says to you to just be happy, some people just feel they can't. It's not through a lack of trying that people feel this way. After all, who would want to be in darkness for their whole life?

Depression is something that many people describe as a black hole which can't be climbed out of, a weight on a sunny day, when everything is going well in life, but yet you cannot get out of bed in the morning.

Depression takes away the ability to do what you love. It is a real illness, which many scientists believe is based upon a chemical imbalance. Depression can physically stop you from doing things. You can begin to eat more or less, becoming more tired and angry, or struggle to sleep. You can lose interests in the things you once loved. You can lose concentration and have suicidal thoughts. From the inside the person may feel utterly hopeless and doesn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. They will be in turmoil. A complete lack of lust for life. This isn't ignorance, this is just the sheer lack of capability to face anything without feeling like you're going to explode.

For many on the outside and who have never experienced depression, I can understand how it is difficult to accept why people just can't do things. But, even if you don't understand it's important to be patient and to be there for the person. The worst thing you can do is be confrontational towards them as this just makes it worse and pushes the person further into the darkness than need be. Often when you're depressed you feel isolated and alone, and you need to just be there to look after them until they feel ready to face the world again.

Depression is a serious illness and needs to be regarded with importance. Please don't brush it aside. Don't forget to get professional help if you or someone you know is really struggling. You've got this.

Best wishes,

The end?

What a difficult few years it's been, but I can proudly say that I've gotten into university to study Law; which has been my lifelong ambition.

If you have read my blog post about my struggles with school, you'll know that I've missed around a year of my A-levels. But, I was still extremely determined to get the grades in order to get to university. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten into my first choice university as I didn't get the grades and they weren't going to give any leeway either. And as much as I wanted to go to that uni (a lot!) I still managed to get my insurance choice, so it's still somewhere I'd like to go.

I was absolutely devastated when I found that I didn't get into my first choice university, devastated. And at the time, it wasn't confirmed that I was into my insurance choice either, so I was very lost and angry at myself. I don't think the outcome would have mattered as much to me, if I had been at school full time without any troubles with my mental health. But these last few years and my battle with anxiety has been absolute hell; taking away my education and opportunities. Everything I loved became everything I lost. I worked so hard to even step inside the school gates and to keep on going, and not doing as well as I hoped, was destroying.

But, what I must take from this is a greater sense of self worth. I managed to get into university, which a few months back would've been impossible, let alone taking my A-levels. It would've been completely out of the question. I am disappointed, but I must be proud of the fact that I can say that I couldn't have worked any harder and that these are my results at the end of it. If I didn't work as a hard, I wouldn't be where I am. I must put into retrospect that my grades are good considering my attendance. Not only that, but I mustn't be as hard on myself; not everyone can be the best all of the time. I've always been seen as a "bright" and hard working student, and as my anxiety got hold, my grades began to drop and I began to lose the very thing I was really passionate about; making me feel stupid. As hard as that is, I am where I am and I am who I am. No matter what the hardships, I know my triumphs and that is what I must hold dear, no matter of others opinions. At the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan and you may feel you haven't got the justice you deserve, but it's something you have to grow with and sometimes that may be for the better. 

It's time to begin the next chapter of my life. I am both excited and terrified. I hope you will all follow the journey with me!

(And would you believe it, I'm currently writing this blog post whilst travelling on a train by myself! Who would have thought it?!)

Finally, If you're going through a severely difficult time, keep going. I was so distraught, but I held on and now I'm here. Something I would never have thought possible. I have been where you've been and I know what it's like. It can get better.

I'm proud of you!

Best wishes,