How many times can I come out alive?

May be triggering.

I often ask myself, how many times can I be pushed and pulled between the poles of life and death. I find that for the majority of life, this has the been the case and just as you feel you are getting somewhere, you get pulled back again. This is something I am used to, but as many of you will know, just because you are used to certain trauma in your life, doesn't mean that you will never get tired of it. 

I find that I am in a much better place now than I was a few years ago and for that I am proud. I can also say that I am beginning to find happiness again - something which I never thought I'd experience for a long time. And even though this is the case, I can't help but be haunted by the continuous traumas that I experience in my life and I find myself questioning how many times can my body be put through this and come out alive? 

When we face trauma, it is extremely difficult especially those that are continuous like a break up of a family, or the illness of a family member. As a you and I both know, that as a sufferer of mental illness, these events don't impact lightly, nor would it on a person who doesn't suffer from such either! But, when we get pulled back into the pain and darkness that we have felt so many times with our mental illness, it has a detrimental effect because you and I both know that we never ever want to go back to the depth of hell that we have experienced. Not only that, but when we begin to find happiness again, it's difficult to comprehend that it might be being taken away all too soon. 

When such repeated traumas come around, I feel exhausted. Knowing that I've been experiencing such for over a decade, and there is no escape. The fact, that I wonder how much more I can cope with and how much longer I can stay alive.

As difficult as it is, I remind myself that this is that way it is, as unfair as it may be - the world doesn't owe me anything. It's just that some people get a better deal of cards than others. I remind myself that these are all bumps in the road on the way to recovery. And as tired and angry as I get, I remind myself that I cannot change this and I know there must be good to come. I just have to go through this pain to get to the other side. It cannot be helped. No year is perfect. 

You can keep going. You are stronger than you think.

Amy Xx

Just say yes

Generally speaking, saying yes provides more opportunity and better experiences because you're doing something you don't usually do.

Of course the typical difficulty that you and I face, is that sometimes saying yes brings overwhelming fear which means we cannot physically do it, or we may face panic attacks and other struggles.

But, you can do it! By saying yes, you will be undertaking exposure which is what many therapists ask you to do to reduce your anxiety. For example, by saying yes to catching a bus, you are exposing yourself to the situation and ultimately reducing your anxiety in the long run. The more you do it, the less your anxiety until you no longer have it. For example, I can now leave the house, catch buses and ask for things with practically no anxiety. But, there once was a time when I couldn't even walk towards the door.

Do you want to go clubbing?, travelling?, do you want to go to a party? All of these things would provide anxiety for me, but you have to leave it behind as it will. By doing these things, you'd probably have a good time despite your haunting thoughts. You have to try and go with your gut feeling and take a change. Perhaps try and set a goal and say you'll say yes for a few days. See how you feel, even if it may cause anxiety beforehand. I guarantee, that the things you've wanted to do, but have been scared to say yes to, will be fine. 

Of course there are priorities, and you may not be in your stage of recovery where you feel comfortable. I have to say this was the biggest thing stopping me. When my anxiety was quite severe I didn't feel anywhere near ready to be doing the things I am doing now. So, it's totally understandable if you can't say yes to everything right now. Don't beat yourself up about it, I can totally sympathise and understand that mindset. My anxiety still stops me from saying yes to things now, but as time is moving on for me, the more things I am able to say yes to, and I only feel this way because of the stage I am at. It does take time to train your brain to battle the doubting thoughts, so try to be patient and keep going!

Best Wishes,

Suicide

For some this post may be triggering, so please don't feel you need to carry on reading. The charity Samaritans are here to help, you can call them on 08457 90 90 90 (UK)

I've decided to take this step into writing this post because I very rarely see anyone talking about this topic directly. It's always covered up or ignored even though the loss of life is very real. Suicide, which I'm sure many of you are aware of, or have thought about is the taking one's own life. I know for many this post will want to be avoided because you don't want to think about it. But, this is exactly the point. Suicide and it's awareness cannot be ignored for any longer.

Here in England, there is a death every two hours.

This death could be your family member, your friend, your partner, parent or teacher. This is what makes the statistic even more shocking and the worst part is that people still ignore it. Suicide is a very real problem and there is the possibility that someone close to you is experiencing suicidal feelings or has tried to kill themselves. You may not even know and that is the scariest part. Occasionally however, a person may show signs of needing help or even directly asking for help. Please make sure you are a listening ear. Try just to listen, and to not make any comments on the matter. There are signs to be looking out for and ways to help, which you can read about, here.

Suicide isn't always directly connected to a mental health issue and there doesn't need to be a reason for it. Either way, it can still be fatal.

By writing this post, I don't just want to raise awareness, but I want to make sure that you understand something. When we feel suicidal, there is no way out, there is no help, there is often the feeling that no one understands and some people even feel that no one would miss them or love them. But, let me tell you this; people will miss you and people do love you. Whatever you are facing, and for however long, whether it's months or years, you can keep going. Often, the endless pain with no happiness for so long, and even the loss of what we once had leads us to feeling that we don't have the strength to carry on and I know that it is what you experiencing. But, let me tell you even when you feel you are taking your last few breaths, you do have the strength to carry on, there is a way out and it will come in time. Life is very unexpected and one day you will find the light again, and you will enjoy the love of life once more. I don't blame you at all for feeling like you do, but trust me when I say it will get better. Even if what I'm writing sounds like a shot in the dark and completely false, I do know that you can get there. 

Best Wishes and keep fighting,

Life Lessons

I asked for the help of the people of twitter again for today's post. I wanted to be able group together people's life lessons, favourite quotes and things they would tell their younger self in the hope that others could benefit from it. If you have something you would like to share, don't forget to leave a comment down below.

I tell myself everyday, that today is going to be ok. - Angela Wood

Every time you give in to your fear and retreat, you are feeding the illness. Soldier on, it will boost your confidence! - BlueBelle

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain'. Sent by Gemma Sturgess.

"Nothing needs to be the end of the world". Anxiety makes this hard to believe, but it's true. - Lexie Mayhew

Do NOT start smoking - Mez Jones

"Live as if you are going to die tomorrow" - Sent by Mez Jones

Have the courage to be yourself, for many people are very understanding and supportive (most of the time!) - Dr Andrew K Black

Talk to a trusted person about your anxiety and emotions. Seek help sooner. Knowing others have the same helps - Dig-iT

Live life and be true to yourself. Get help with your depression and psychological help about all have fun and smile - Mitch Mitchell.

To my younger self - laugh often, be mentally/physically good to yourself, encourage others, pray - Generally anxious

A life of fear and avoidance leads to a small and unfulfilling life. Still fighting my way out after 20+ years if it. - Ian Hoadley

Read 'Peace is every step' by Thich Nhat Hanh - David Czekaj

However strong you are, we all have a tipping point. Don't beat yourself up. When you're at your lowest, the only way is up - Lisa.

"What you focus your attention on, grows. Remember the good times, laugh often and forgive 

and let go of the past" - Sent by Kirsty Ellis.

Grab every opportunity, don't wait for it to happen or you'll still be sitting there when you get to my age. #havenoregrets - Weller is God

I would tell my younger self "You're allowed to not always be at your best. It's ok to fail, that's how you learn." Hugh Gallagher

All you need is awareness - Roger

Advice to my younger self "Have the guts to just be yourself, we are all different in so many 

special ways" - Brian Daly

Instead of wasting energy on the things you can't change, accept them and focus on the things you can - Girly Girl

People who matter love you for who you are. Don't think about what others think, they don't matter - Stacy Leigh K

"Everything's going to be alright in the end, if it's not alright, it's not the end!" - Sent by Surena Chande

"Failure is a good thing. But once you've failed, there's nothing to be afraid of anymore" - Sent by Skye McAdams

"Whatever happens tomorrow, we've had today" Skye McAdams

Best wishes,