Prose

It hurts,
It just hurts,
And there's no other way to describe it anymore,
I'm too tired and can't think straight,
I just want to be at peace because years is a long time to be sad,
And pain is an awful familiarity.

But there can be lightbulb moments,
When a connection is strong,
And it doesn't matter how long.

I'm stuck in a world of anguish,
Where my energy is used on my breath,
And only the answers,
Can come from inside,
But I'm floating between black and white,
My feet never touching the ground.

I just hope that I can wake up,
Feeling a rush of dopamine,
Because its been a while,
When I've lost so much,
And opportunities are scarce when past becomes present.

In twenty years time will I still feel this way
Will I wonder what you're doing,
And where you'll be,
Will I have made a good decision
Or will I still feel dead to the world
with the memories alive

I wonder how it can be
And I thank you for meeting me
that I feel like I've known you all my life
because strangely it means the world
and stories haven't even been told

I'm lost,
and now you too,
My choices have power,
But I have little to give,
All I want is to be embraced,
And be told I will be ok.

Now is all I have
And I can change
And that presents strength
I hope you can do the same

Forgiveness is key
For complexity
And maybe one day I will sit to smell the flowers
With the biggest smile
And I too will bloom,
Apart,
Or alongside you.

Pain and addiction

Pain and addiction often come hand in hand. You often hear of those whom have been through trauma turning to drugs, alcohol or some other outlet. Some people just use some of these outlets occasionally and never fully get addicted and how we react as induviduals can be down to a range of factors.

Another way we can often deal with situations that might involve pain and trauma is through avoidance. We know how to physically avoid danger, but what about mentally? If we’ve been through something that was mentally tough, we’re not likely to want to experience it again and I feel the most complex situation we face with pain and addiction is when we involve love in its various forms. This is why I often feel people may avoid relationships, friendships and family relations after getting hurt or still not being over someone to avoid pain and to stop any addiction from occurring (after all, people say love is a drug!) 

I can relate to this issue immensly. If you avoid any situation relating to pain then you can’t get hurt, but at the same you can’t enjoy everything it has to offer. As I’ve mentioned previously I believe this to have come from my childhood, but also more recent experiences and struggling to move forward. Even if you try to strike a compromise between the two then you may not get hurt as much, but you may not still experience everything to it’s fullest.

The best way to resolve the situation between pain and addiction is to understand why you are reacting in the way that you are. You need to identify the problem before looking at a solution. If the problem cannot be solved quickly, then it’s best to be black and white and explain to those around you what the status quo is for you. That way there will be less pressure on you to get led by something you’re not comfortable in doing. It’s a tricky ground to navigate when you don’t feel fully healed yourself, but it’s important to make it clear.

It’s important to also remember that addiction can become dangerous very quickly too, which is why you should review your actions on a regular basis and understand why you are addicted to a specific thing and whether it is good or bad. Actions can also be dangerous when dealing with pain because you may be more vulnerable than you would be otherwise. It’s important to deal with the problem head on, because once you have an addiction, it can be hard to get out of, whether that be drugs, alcohol, toxic friendships or relationships.

Take time to understand yourself. Inform others and although your actions might not be as clear as you’d like and you might make mistakes, you’ve laid the ground to work on yourself and given others the chance to understand and accept. Perhaps in time pain and addiction might not be such an issue due to progress you will make. In reality we can never really fully avoid it. It is all part of the the tapestry of life, it may just take time for you to work through it and that’s ok. No one person should rush you through it.

The invisible illness

Trigger warning: mention of suicide and self harm.

Otherwise known as the invisible illness, something that cannot be seen and therefore cannot be believed, mental illness is the secret in disguise.

It is the thing that people are beginning to talk about, but still only one person really understands and that person is, you.

When sitting in a classroom or at a desk at work, you're hiding the bandage on your wrist covered by your long sleeves. No one would know what happened in your bedroom half an hour earlier with that bright smile on your face.

An awkward joke of suicide and people would say 'of course you would've mentioned a suicide attempt because no one would turn up to work the next day having tried to jump off a chair with a dressing gown rope around their neck at 10:59pm the night before.'

Because someone who is still sending text messages and picking up your calls can put as many emoticons as they like and filtered pictures on instagram, to build a false picture.

It's trying to describe exactly what it is like to live with mental illness and there not being words to encompass it.

It's everyone talking hot air because it's the latest topic and trend, but some don't mean anything by it. But some are also making massive positive change.

It's feeling completely detached in a room full of people and acomplishing things that others already have and feeling as if you've had to climb a mountain to get there and they've only had to walk up a hill. It's worth so much more.

People saying that there is nothing to be depressed about and life could be so much worse...yes I know. Of course I choose to have moments of pain.

It's...invisible. It's hidden. But the symptoms are real and you see them every day.

Ask, talk and help until you believe, because it is very much believable when they are no longer here.