Year in Review 2019

This year as with the last, have been the hardest couple of years since I began my journey of mental illness when I was seventeen...albeit this year has been slightly better than the last.

I entered this year doing my dream job and moving flats so I am closer to work which gave me a much safer and shorter commute! I also get to enjoy London which I only dreamt of as a child. I have had accomplishments in my job, but also failures. It is what it is and it is definitely building my resilience. I know that it may take me longer to get to where I need to be and that's okay; some people are better at things than others. My new place still isn't much for what I have to pay, but it allows me to save up for a place of my own and in the meantime I have added my little touches to make it the best I can. I also got a new car which I had dreamt of as a child whilst still looking after my twenty year old model from my childhood. I have also been lucky enough to travel to two of my places on my bucket list this year; Australia and America. I feel very blessed.

I have made a few good friends too by stepping outside of my comfort zone and I am hoping to continue to make more next year before I eventually move jobs (maybe!)

I lost a pet this year and I feel I am soon to lose another and albeit they are small, they give me just as much love as any other animal could. Family illnesses have continued and it has been touch and go at some points and still is, which is bringing me into unchartered territory. I have always grown up having an ill family member, but this time around the options are getting thinner on the ground. I have also felt heartbreak over and over again and it is still one of the most painful things I have felt; it is grief. It has taught me that people can show you some very special things that you couldn't see before you met them and everyone has something to bring to your life. Those who are special will always remain special to you, no matter how near or far or whom they are with. It brings great sadness, but it also is a great teacher. I didn't realise until now that your heart could continuously ache for such a long time...

I have built so much strength this year and at many times I have reached the lowest point that I could possibly go. Pure loneliness and heartache and not being able to express it either. Confusion, suicidal thoughts and self harm, trying to heal versus wanting to talk to others and feeling as if I could never make it out alive..it's been a tough one. I have made mistakes and I am not perfect, but looking back to this time last year, I have grown.

Time and space is still the best healer I know. Also, civility.

I hope that next year I continue to progress in my career, save or find somewhere to live and continue to listen to myself to ensure I understand my decisions fully. Only you know you. I hope that health and happiness surrounds myself and those around me because grief really is the worst pain.

How music helps combat anxiety through rhythm | AD

Humans are rhythmic creatures: everything we do comes from the pulse. Your heartbeat is a rhythm you can’t live without and today we’re going to discuss how tempo and rhythm can help you control your body in ways you might not have under your control otherwise.

Specifically, we’re going to discuss how tempo – in song and life – can adjust your psychology. It sounds complicated, but these are techniques and methods you can use all on your own to improve your mental and physical health.

If those sound like worthwhile uses of your time, read on…

The tempo of music is the pulse, the rhythm, the beat of it. It’s the predominating beats and the time between them, and how many of them you’re going to get in a minute. This is an interesting measure because it tells you how much is going on, in some ways.

It’s often a measure of the pace, which is an important piece of music. You don’t need to know how to write a symphony to understand the basics: tempo is one of the key aspects on how a song or piece of music affects how you feel.

It’s not just that, however. The song and it’s tempo will affect your mood andyour body/brain. It carries some effects that you might never have noticed, but that science has begun to unravel.

For example, music and it’s tempo/mood can affect your mood subconsciously, as well as having direct physical effects. You might be familiar with usingsome of these techniques when you’re studying or working hard, but how much deliberate thought did you give to them?

If you’ve ever gotten fired up in the gym to a specific song, it’s totally plausible that you’re experiencing the tempo of the song. This is something we see all the time with runners, for example, where pace is important for better running cadence – equally in rowing and cycling.

In these cases, what happens is that the tempo of the music adjusts your mental and physical state.

When you run to music, you’re tactically using it to increase your mental arousal/anxiety. This is because doing challenging things is often about increasing mental arousal and using the response, which boosts short-term performance.

On the other hand, too much of this anxiety/mental arousal can cause you to get flustered or lose focus. It also contributes to stress if over-used and can rapidly damage things like your mood, sleep quality, or mental health.

You want to increase short-term mental arousal/anxiety, but ensure that your overall levels are well managed. Fortunately, music can go both ways: it can promote relaxation and combat anxiety as much as it can elevate them.

While up-tempo music is known to increase mental arousal, the opposite is true: lower tempo, relaxing music can improve relaxation. This has the opposite effects: better rest, the ability to lower heart rate and anxiety, and overall improvements to ‘winding down’. These are the benefits that are key to recovery.

The stress you expose your body to is not fundamentally different from the kind your mind experiences. They’re combined to determine how stressed you are at both a physiological and psychological level.

Sure, those long work hours might not wear down your muscles, but your physical and mental health take a hit. As a result, the changes you experience to your mental arousal are tied closely to your body and brain.

For example, excessive chronic stress is a risk factor for common problems like heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and mood disorders like depression. These are all significant changes that you want to avoid.

Equally, excessive stress has real knock-on issues. One you’ll notice rapidly is poor quality sleep, as well as even being restless and waking up in the night. Similarly, you’ll experience way more fatigue if you’re constantly struggling to relax, as well as poor recovery from exercise, and low mental performance.

Basically, if you’re chronically stressed you’re going to be chronically sub-optimal. It’s a health risk, and it’s a risk factor for mood disorders, physical disorders, and mental decline. If you’re not certain yet, it’s really worth avoiding and fighting!

The role of music is to aid in active relaxation. It’s exactly what it sounds like: taking time to deliberately relax. This doesn’t mean laying on the sofa watching a tv series – it means actively taking some steps to change your habits to relax effectively.

Common examples of yoga and meditation aren’t for everyone, but they work. Equally, reading a good book while listening to low-tempo, ambient music is a good practice. You could also stretch to music, if you’re trying to improve your health, fitness, and performance.

The best place to look is for tempos that are at – or below – 80 beats per minute. BPM, the unit we use to measure song tempo, is a good indicator. If you also pay attention to the mood of the piece – ideally something relaxing and sedate – you can build a great playlist for relaxing.

This is one of the reasons why low-tempo, smooth jazz is really popular. Equally, it’s 21st-century successor LoFi music is really popular for promoting a relaxed, focused environment. You can go for this kind of vibe in most genres if you know the BPM and the overall vibe of the songs!

In this way, you can start taking control of these subconscious and physical processes yourself. Just like you might use them to amp yourself up, you can go the other way and wind down with calming sounds and environments.

You should especially consider the things you expose yourself to in the hour or two before sleep. Too many loud noises, high-tempo songs, or screens all contribute to high pre-sleep anxiety and thus poor sleep quality. Define this as relaxation time and you’ll notice better performance in everything the next day!

Equally, the combination of tempo and relaxation are great for the mind. Studies tell us that a steady tempo is great for memory, which is also bolstered by better relaxation/sleep quality.

This makes proper tempo and it’s effects on the body/mind. This kind of small change and mindful use of music, tempo, and relaxation all add up to better recovery and performance. You can improve almost every aspect of your life by controlling your anxiety and balancing it with relaxation.

Tempo is one tool to this end, and it’s one you can start being mindful of and implementing right now!

There are few things that have as much effect on your health as the balance between stress and relaxation. It’s one of the conditions of modern life that we’re stressed all the time and struggle to find balance.

This is harmful to your health at every level – physical and mental. Something as simple as knowing what tempos are for, and how you can use them to help you relax effectively, can be a significant bonus in the long term.

Take control of yourself, your body, and how you feel on a day to day basis. It’s a small step away and you can make significant changes to your entire existence. You can find song BPMs online and you can look up the ones you already know to get a better idea of what you’re looking for!

Letting go

One of my worst traits. My biggest trigger. My hardest challenge.

Letting go is always hard no matter who you are or what you have been through. There may be many reasons why you have to let go; because they move on without you, life is taking its natural course, toxicity or because it's what you have to do to stay alive even if letting go is the last thing you want to do.

I've had to let go of many things in my life or should I say people. Material things don't hold that much importance.

As a child I let go of friends and family; not that I wanted to of course. At that age you just see it is as part of life; a grieving process and something that cannot be helped. As I grew older not everything followed a natural course and at one point I lost the family unit that every child feels safe in. It was from then when letting go became really hard and torturous. We all internalise things in different ways and it left me feeling as if I could die when I let go and in some respects it still does today.

Ever since that point I've lost many people. I've lost teachers who gave me life lessons I will always carry with me and family and pets that understood me like no-one else could. But even though they may not be present they are still with me in the decisions I make. Everyone is a lesson.

Recently I've been faced with so much loss that I had almost let go of myself. A lot of the time, I still feel this way. The people I hold so close to my heart had to leave or are in the process of doing so and it's heart-wrenching and hell-like. I find myself spending a lot of time in my bed with what feels like a bullet wound in my chest. My eyes burn with the lack of sleep and nightmares and trying to work efficiently is tough. I don't talk about my loss in perhaps the way I should because most of the time I don't even understand the feelings myself and sometimes I wonder if I ever will. People always say that there comes time where you become numb or can look back at past events and not feel like it's debilitating. One day I hope I can be like that.

Sometimes loss is our choice  and sometimes it isn't, but regardless the pain can be the same. You shouldn't need to speak openly for people to realise how deep the pain of loss is. It can create torturous pain which can present itself to the world in uncharasmastic ways; you can look selfish or as if you don't care, when the exact opposite can be true. Remember that assumptions in times of loss can be so dangerous and you should always ask someone to find out the truth; always let them share their story of loss because sometimes we can get things wrong and we can be angry and nasty because of their reactive actions. Loss is not a simple process and sometimes an apology when we get things wrong is all they need because you never know how close to the edge they are. Loss can be a truly difficult time.

One day I want to be able to look back with joy, with the happiness of the good memories and not feel death where there is no grief. I don't want to keep feeling like I've got weights in my shoes and having thoughts go round in my head forever until I've lost my sanity. I don't want to be in denial and then feel anger and not being able to act how I want because of the pain I feel. I don't want to worry about what my future is going to be like without them and how I will cope. But I know that one day I will be able to look forward to the next day and have restful sleep. I will have fondness in my heart and love and as long as I know the feelings that I have are true, even though I cannot act on them, does not give me anything to be ashamed of. Those feelings can never be taken away from me no matter what actions are in the present.

...and one day, the loss will not longer feel like you've lost yourself and leave you wanting to lose your life. It will leave you with the will to breathe.

Why the answers are not at the bottom of the bottle

It's become part of normal life that you have a beer after work or a glass of wine after a hard day and it's never really questioned. After all it can help you to relax. Drinking socially and out and about can be a good part of relaxation too and having fun, as long as all of this is done in moderation. It's also become very normal to drown your sorrows in drink and become a bit of a 'Bridget Jones' or have a wild night out after you've experienced something stressful or upsetting. I know that I have and so have many of my friends and sometimes it's just what you need. But again, in moderation. What it's not going to do, is change the situation or help you find any answers. This will only numb the pain for while and that's if you don't react negatively react to alcohol...

I would be lying if I said that I've never had a drink when I've been upset or down, or had it to just feel a little bit less. Last year I found myself getting into a bit of a habit that when I was stressed or sad, I would have something to drink, which never really made me feel much better. Rather, it made me feel more out of control or would just knock me out to sleep only to wake up in the morning to realise I still felt the same. I knew at the time that it wasn't the answer and I did quickly snap out of it and went back to drinking only socially or having a drink, very rarely, to relax. But as with anything along a journey of healing and recovery, it is never smooth and there are moments when your bad habits can come creeping back in and that's not a bad thing, it's just human nature. The other night, I found myself doing a bit of a Bridget Jones and watching Stranger things whilst having a bottle of wine that I had left over from a meal. I don't think I was really concentrating on what I was drinking or really cared, because it was nice not to have to feel for a while. It all soon came crashing down to earth when I was very sick afterwards then lost a night's sleep. It's not the best idea I've ever had, but for that short while, everything felt okay. Reality hit me not too long after and showed me that the answers to my problems are not going to be at the bottom of a bottle. By drinking, I'm not suddenly going to come up with the best idea or solution and never feel pain again and my life isn't going to drastically change just from a drink.

I promptly snapped myself out of it. I realised that my body was physically telling me that it didn't like what I was doing alongside recognising that nothing changes from having one to many drinks. But what does change things, is actually acting and facing issues head on. I made the decision to throw all of my alcohol in my flat away that day. That way I have to deal with my issues head on, not numb myself and definitely not get stuck into an addictive pattern which I know I could do.

I am still more than happy to drink socially, or have a drink after a hard day but being excessive? No. As much as sometimes it sounds like a nice break, it's definitely not the answer and isn't productive in any way. It's an endless cycle. Problems need to be faced whether we like it or not and the only way of getting through them, is to actually get through them. I think we can forget that we are in control of our own lives and it's how we deal with it that matters, because drowning your sorrows? Well, they don't actually drown.

Being treated like s**t!

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’ - Eleanor Roosevelt.

I’ve never really been a person whom has taken the thoughts of others to heart as I have always had a sense of self that was strong enough for it to not let it make me feel any different about myself. It would affect me to an extent, but I could always rationalise it with the morals that I was brought up with, that I have the same right to be on this planet as anyone else, so what makes anyone better than me or in turn, me better than anyone else? We are all cut from the same cloth and although people have different starts in life and challenges, in principle it makes them no better.

Recently, I have found myself feeling very vulnerable for probably the first time in my life. It’s knocked my solid grounding that I feel that I have managed to stable myself upon because everything takes just that little bit more work and everything that happens, makes you just that bit more sensitive. But, it’s how I go from feeling vulnerable to my old self of strength and how I handle the challenges that I face without being triggered into a downfall.

Amongst it all the core remains the same in all of us, is that you have worth. And at different points in our lives, we may feel that to be stronger or weaker. We will meet people throughout life who will try and make you feel small and will try to make themselves feel better. What you have to remember, is that by doing that they are inadvertently telling you that they are insecure about themselves. If you keep that in mind, you may be able to understand why they are acting towards you in such a manner.

Being vulnerable can make you feel like giving up and just putting up with other people’s detrimental behaviour, but at the end of the day, people know what they’re doing in their actions. Mistakes happen, but as the saying goes, never let someone fool you twice. It’s about recognising the behaviour and as hard as it is not to take it to heart, it’s important to keep that sense of self worth. At the end of the day, you should never let anyone treat you like shit.

If you have given someone your all and they don’t give anything back, you don’t need it. If they are not making the effort to contact you as much as you are them, move on. If they decide to take a pop at who you are as a person, get rid of them. Of course, there can be reasons why some people come across in such a way, and if there is a valid reason why, dig into it. Otherwise you do not need such toxicity and people wasting your time. It’s hard though, I know, because we like to hold onto excitement and people’s company but if it’s more bad than good, then it’s not worth it. You know who you are and if people are not respecting or willing to be a part of that, it’s ok - we’re not always going to get on with everyone. But it’s their loss, if you’ve done your bit. You’re worth so much more than being second best. Second best is not good enough, move on and move on up.

Don’t put up with it.

A story for the lost

After what felt like the longest and harshest winter of my life, it finally came to an end and I found myself regaining my control. The grey had gone and I could divide between the black and white. Just as I realised this, everything came crashing down and I felt like I was in the depths of winter, again. I guess that was because I am feeling so vulnerable, which is something I always have been; what we all are. I only have a tiny plaster struggling to fix the wound and not stitches, from the conditions I faced. I have many strong parts of me which I have undoubtable control over and which I once succumbed to. But now I have this one hole left which keeps getting deeper and trying to close it is like chasing the end of the sea.

I’m tired. I’m tired of not knowing myself anymore, which is a far cry from anything I’ve ever known. I could be floating in zero gravity and everything I reach is always too far away. The closer it gets the more I become frightened and I either don’t want to reach out or feel that if I do, I’ll lose the last bit of self I have. I can’t be truthful to me and I always drown in guilt because others don't need to feel the pain like I am.

I can’t wait for the day for it to be over and to know if it’s not love, it will be a lesson. But the pain of a lesson is sometimes too much to bare, especially for someone as fragile. 

I can’t change it. It is how it is, it’s just about how I reach the destination and somehow enjoy the ride without putting myself in danger whilst I only feel a shell of my body. Waiting for happiness is pointless, so enjoying what we have is key. But it’s hard when there’s always a dark cloud over you and a ray of sunshine over everyone else.

But amongst it all, I want an answer. Feelings have no time limit, but with no time limit comes pain and loss because humans aren’t immortal. The more I think the more I drown. The more I think, the more I lose. If the universe takes over then I will be sad, but just as sad as if I am to make my own uncertain choice. Pain is inevitable, but when I am so vulnerable I cling onto a cliff face because it’s the last thing I have before I fall and I know I shouldn't and I should pull myself up and over the top.

Time will pass and life will go on. It’s not going to stop, just for me. It’s down to me to make the choices that I know that I want and will make me happy. The rest? Well I’m hoping that will just unfold alongside the pressure that I put on it. We are all going to feel pain either way, but it’s how we react to it that matters. 

I am me and that's my power.

Abandonment is going to kill me

This is how I feel; that being abandoned is going to leave me unable to cope and live which was born when I went from a stable household as a child, to one that was no longer. I began to develop a negative behaviour that I didn't know really existed until last year - my fear that I will not be able to function if someone just disappears from my life.

I wouldn't say I am a people pleaser, but in my very young years I would make sure that I would do everything in my power to not upset people and if I did, accidentally, then my world felt like it had been turned upside down and I would need to do anything to bring back the equilibrium. Once I had gone over and beyond to make sure that the person understood that my actions were not intentional and we became friends again, I was happy and I could cope. But when I began to experience a person of great trust, at the time when I was just at the end of primary school life, was leading a different life as well as leaving my life, my life changed before my eyes. I could't understand why it was happening, but I was angry more than I wanted the person to stay. In fact, I wanted them to go and never see them again, at the time. I'm glad to say that now, through lots of hard work I don't let that side plague me as much anymore. What it did create however, was the biggest mental health trigger that I have and one which I only really discovered last year. That is; abandonment.  I developed a huge, almost irrational fear that if someone extremely important to me, leaves then I will be unable to cope. I believe this attached itself to my younger self's need to keep the equilibrium between people and that's why it became one big difficultly for myself.

I experienced something last year, which brought this abandonment fear to the surface. I didn't really know that it was something that I needed to deal with until then. The feelings that resulted from that experience were strong and powerful. It took over my mental and physical capabilities and I'm not sure I have felt something so overwhelmingly powerful since my phobia of school, but I guess if I didn't experience the fear then, it would've caught up with me eventually and I would've had to deal with it at some point. It was always hiding in plain sight. At the time, I felt like I couldn't cope as it was such a strong automatic reaction. Even trying to practice self-care was hard and working through daily life, but slowly over time it got easier until one day the abandonment hole was filled and that's when I felt I could cope again.

Throughout the year following, I had worked really hard to overcome the fear of abandonment in such a way that I can appreciate that it is there and know that I am going to experience it a lot throughout my life, but it is something that I can cope with, rather than die of. Believe it or not, the thought that I wasn't able to survive as a result of abandonment was a huge thing to rationalise and something that I can still feel to the core of me, today. It's like an automatic switch where I get taken to a place of not being able to function and feeling like I can't live. It lives alongside the fact, that the reason I avoid abandonment is because I'm so strongly taken back to such a traumatic painful period in my childhood, that I couldn't rationalise at that age, which now lives in my sub-conscious. Now I can understand the situation with a more adult mindset. My counsellor taught me that we have two parts of us and maybe more; but there is an adult side and child side. The things we experience as children, affect us as adults as they tend to stay in our subconscious and become normal parts of our actions that we don't even second guess. But, it's recognising when there is an an unhelpful behaviour that you learnt as a child and becoming the adult to look after this part of you; so you can overcome it and be the hand to hold, that the child always wanted.

I still have a long way to go and I know that abandonment is still my biggest trigger and can still put me into a huge downward spiral. But instead of running back to the easiest known path, like a racing pigeon does to get home, I have to take a step back, evaluate the situation in all in its glory and maybe take the route which is not as comfortable, but one that will help me to get through this big trigger, like I have done with other situations that used to terrify me. The thought of abandonment may put me further into my shell when communicating with people, with the thought at the back of my head that I don't want to go through the pain of abandonment if I can help it, but I know that if is going to help me on my mental health journey, it is something that I need to do.

Mental illness is NOT an excuse.

Mental illness is not an excuse. How many times have you heard that?


If you don't turn up to work, you're lazy.
If you're not listening, you're rude.
If you're short tempered, you're selfish.
If you don't want to go out, you're boring.
If you're upset, you're sensitive. 

...and in many situations in life, that may well be the case. But mental illness can make us come across in particular ways but are actually symptoms of the illness we are dealing with.

Many years ago when I couldn't go to school, I remember being called lazy because I never attended when in fact I was in the midst of severe anxiety and depression. Rather than Mental illness being an invalid excuse, it is in fact a valid reason. 

If I don't turn up to work, I'm actually struggling with depression and I'm not lazy.
If I'm not listening, I'm dissociating and I promise I'm not intentionally being rude.
If I'm short tempered, I didn't get any sleep because of my depression and I'm stressed.
If I don't want to go out, it's because I can't move my legs due to my anxiety.
If I'm upset, it's because I am feeling hopeless and suicidal.

On the other end of the spectrum, mental illness really isn't just an excuse. Mental illness isn't just something you can pluck out of thin air and use as an excuse to some of your negative actions. Regardless of whether you have mental illness or not, being intentionally selfish or rude is not something you can support by the fact that you have a mental illness. I In the same way, every time you are sad or angry doesn't necessarily mean it's related to your depression, it could simply be part of a normal human emotion.

Similarly, using conditions in relation to mental illness as adjectives for a reason as to why you are acting in a particular way isn't appropriate either. It can invalidate others' experiences and also make it harder for people to be open as more people will view mental illness are crying wolf rather than seeing it as a real, pertinent issue. If you really feel that you are going through a difficult experience and are struggling with your mental health, going to the doctors is the forward step.

Remember to be proud of who you are and the conditions you deal with. Never feel ashamed if your mental illness is making you come across in a particular way because those who understand will know that it is just part of the symptoms of your conditions.

Calm in the palm of your hand | AD

Breathing techniques have always been a recommendation by doctors and practitioners for anxiety for many years and a good one at that. Yes, it isn't a cure but meditation and breathing techniques tend to help to calm you down in times of stress and panic attacks. During the various panic attacks that I've had, I have always used breathing techniques; from following imaginary shapes in my mind, counting numbers or copying someone else which has helped to calm my breathing and heart rate back down to normal.

I was recently introduced to a product that could help me as well as yourself, to do just that. Let's face it, trying to focus on breathing when you've been triggered and are having a panic attack is not an easy thing to do. But what if there was something to help you during your time of distress? Some people use cigarettes to focus on to calm down and as I said earlier, I usually try to focus on numbers. Whichever method you choose the undermining thing is to focus on is breathing. Calmigo is a product that can help you with your breathing during times of distress without having to try hard to concentrate. I myself have already used it and it definitely helps.

I'd describe Calmigo as somewhat of an exhaler. The key is that you mainly exhale into the product. As you do this the lights on the Calmigo will turn blue according to how long and steady you exhale. The aim is to keep these blue lights on so you are seen to exhale for long enough. As well as this, the product incorporates aromatherapy. When I was younger, I had a lavender spray that I would put on my pillow to help me sleep and this has a similar idea. It suggests for you inhale through your nose so that you can smell the lavender scent that you attach to the product. This alongside your slow and steady breathing accompanied by the machine should help you to reach your ultimate breathing rate. The Calmigo also learns your breathing technique and can vibrate when you have exhaled enough - that way you're able to get used to what the right breathing rate is for you.

I have used the machine myself and it is really easy to use. Focusing on the blue dots helped me to understand whether I was exhaling for long enough and steadily enough. The aromatherapy was also really helpful in adding that sense of calm, as lavender is known it's ability to help calm. After using this regularly and when needed for a few minutes at a time I think I would definitely feel a lot calmer and learn about my breathing. Of course I guess people could say; 'well what's the difference to counting your breathing and doing it on your own?'. As I have said, I believe the aromatherapy aspect and the physical guidance, gives the user something to focus on, smell and be a bit of a help during a time of need. It also adapts to your use in real time and this is the difference between just simple breathing techniques and the device, in that it adapts to you. It also comes with a one year warranty and can last for years! You can take it anywhere and is simple to use. I haven't found any issues with the product and will be using it as part of my meditation.

Of course before you use any product make sure you inform a health professional if you have any concerns. Calmigo have their own website where you can order one yourself or read more into the product, here.

My depression story

I first remember feeling severely depressed during my GCSE's when I must've been around fourteen. I'm also pretty sure that was around the age I first tried to end my life. 

I was an extremely happy child and I loved life. I was also a very shy child, but that never really bothered me because I had good friends and a great family. When my family fell apart when I was around eight years old, mental illness did begin to creep in with OCD behaviours and severe anxiety. I'd say I was sad and angry during this time, but I was still happy. I wouldn't say I was depressed.

Throughout the years running up to my GCSE's, I had experienced mental illness but I didn't know that's what it was. I thought the behaviours I was expressing were completely normal but I know now that they weren't. GCSE's came around and it became too much. I was being constantly picked on at school and the pressure of being a high achiever, alongside my family falling apart, felt like my whole world was drowning and that's when my depression journey began and almost ended.

In the following years my depression played a huge part in my life, especially through my A-levels when I had my breakdown and my anxiety and poor mental health became severe. I was self-harming and often had suicidal tendencies and thoughts. I wasn't eating, I couldn't get out of bed to go to school and I just wanted to end the nightmare that was in. I won't go into too much more detail about my whole journey now because you can read more about my mental health journey in a different post, here. 

I got to university and I felt like my depression had finally left me. But I did have moments when I felt like I was drowning and losing my mind. I did find myself on the odd occasion falling back into my own habits. I think this was even more so because everyone had the ideology that university was meant to be one the happiest times of your life and yet there I was barely able to get out bed and having no lust for life whatsoever. Going back home during the holidays whilst I was attending university was probably the hardest challenge and the times when I did become quite sick, especially in the Summer months. I just didn't feel that I could handle the environment I was in anymore and just wanted to get back to university, which was like an escape, for various different reasons. But overall university was probably the best time for my mental health.

After graduating from university and having to do a year in a dead end job and being back home, my mental health did take quite the dive. And although I transgressed into my dream career a year later, the first six months of that was what I could only describe as traumatic. This wasn't because of the career itself, but because of all the things that were going on around me.

As you can probably tell, depression is a rollercoaster and just because you have a depressive episode doesn't mean that you're going backwards. You've just got to hold onto the cart and keep going no matter how much you feel like you want to get off. As well as this, please make sure you are reaching out to people and talking because bottling up will always cause more damage than good.

There's no rush

My whole life I have been someone who strives for perfection. I want to be the best, I want be pushing limits of my potential, to be the first out of my group to achieve my goals...but unfortunately that's not quite how life works.

I have put endless pressure on myself over the years to try and be the best and I guess it has allowed me to push myself to get better results, but even with those results and goals that I should be proud of, it was never good enough. There was always someone else out there that I knew that was doing better.

I've written about this before and it used to really get to me - how with all the effort I was putting in, could I not be at the same level as other people? It still can get to me now but not as much as it used to. I guess I've finally come to a realisation that the competition I've put myself in, isn't a fair one. This is because everyone doesn't have the same starting line and to try and work to the bone to reach those who have had a head start is damaging and not even fair to myself.

For a long time I felt that my life needed to be in a rush because of the feeling that we only have so much time on this earth, that life is short and I need to achieve as much as I can in such little time. And whilst this may be true, to not waste your life and achieve what you can when you can, I cannot expect myself to be on the same page as everyone else.

Because what am I rushing myself for? The choices other people have made and what I see as major achievements, may not beneficial to me because it may not be the best thing for me to fast forward and reach all of my goals quickly. It may actually be more detrimental to me, but that doesn't mean that I'm a failure.

In context, I'm twenty-three and saving up for a mortgage and I'd say that's one of my biggest pressures alongside relationships and for some my age, they have a mortgage and are engaged and seem like they have their life together. I often ask myself why isn't that me when I've worked so hard? And then I realised, if we don't all have the same start line, and we're all different, individual, different DNA, different family backgrounds and different goals we want from life, then it's stupid to expect that someone so different is going to reach each milestone at the same time. It's pretty much impossible. Even more so, it may not even be what's right for me at the time, or even what I want. So should I be achieving these things just for the sake of it, if it doesn't even feel right?

What I know is that I can only control my actions and my environment and not others. No one is the same and therefore we can't expect our journeys to be the same. The competition that we are pitching ourselves in, is biased and unfair. The only competition should be within ourselves, to achieve the best out of us and what we want, or else you'd end up living someone else life and that could only lead to unhappiness. Yes, jealousy may still exist but you must do what is right for you and it will happen at your own pace. No one else is in your shoes and people certainly won't stop progressing in their life just for you. It's when you relieve the pressure and realise there is in fact no rush to beat everyone else, but to just focus on getting the best out of yourself that you can find some peace.

Heart break-down

No one ever told me that the heart could be smashed to pieces,
ripped and torn apart,
stopped and shanked,
and yet keep beating without warning.

No one ever told me that it was possible for the heart to be so damaged,
that even the brain couldn't confound whether it was going to go cold,
but still be breathing,
and yet feel like it's dying.

No one ever told me that the brain and the heart weren't best friends,
that it's a trap,
a marriage that ends in divorce,
because that's not what I heard waiver into my dreams from my bedtime stories...

It sends emotions that run through your veins,
leaving you paralysed in your touch,
being left with a shallow shell,
absence of warmth.

It's being sick to your stomach,
wanting your aching heart to come and give you relief,
it's wondering how it has the strength to carry on,
when your eyes close in front of elation.

Now, I hear myself thinking how can I survive without a beating heart?
One that has escaped its cage,
an empty stomach,
and no bright light of life,

But i'm still here and I don't know how,
there is nothing worse than this feeling,
perhaps what its like to be on the edge and cry,
but my heart still beats as I wave goodbye.