My Anxiety story

I have always been a shy person throughout the whole of my life. I've hated joining clubs and standing on stage. My teachers tried their best in trying to improve my confidence, but it was little to no help. I also believe my mental health issues began to shows signs from the age of 8 years old when I had to make sure certain things were done before I went to bed and before I got to school. 

Because I've been a shy person throughout my life, it was hard to notice a change in myself with regards to my anxiety. However, my anxiety story began at the beginning of my exams in 2012, which would have been around March. I first noticed that something was odd when I began to feel really ill every day. At first I assumed it was a virus, but soon it wouldn't go away and I constantly felt I needed to leave the classroom whilst in school. It was horrible with constant sickness, stomach aches and lack of sleep. I assumed it was exam stress, but little did I know it would continue. 

I managed to go through all of my exams and my sickness began to wear off by the time the summer holidays came around. It was the best summer I have ever had. I went to the Olympics and spent long summer days with my friends, but I still had worries in the back of my mind. One of the main worries from the Summer was sickness. In any big event or enclosed space, such as a hall or stadium I felt I needed to get out and felt really ill. I began to take paracetamol on a regular basis to try and stop the sickness, even though it had no effect - it was like a safety blanket as I begun to develop this fear of being ill in front of people.

I believe my first panic attack was on results day in 2012. I was so nervous, I couldn't breathe and was crying. I just assumed that this was nerves that got out of control. But my panic attacks continued and I remember having several over the last few months of the year when catching public transport, going to school, driving lessons, applying for jobs and going on school trips.

I joined the sixth form in September of 2012 and on the first day I felt really, really ill when I thought I was going to be sick everywhere. I was exhausted but yet again I presumed it was just nerves from starting a new year. It continued quite severely for a week or so, until it began to pass off. 

Due to my increasing anxiety and severe depression that came with it, I began to see a hypnotherapist in the last few months of 2012 and into 2013, who helped me greatly. Due to the length of the NHS waiting list, I had to use this as a treatment due to my criticality of my mental illness. If I didn't get help then, I'm not sure I would've made it to today.  

I was really enjoying sixth form, until I got to January 2013. In January I had a breakdown. I got into school one day and completely panicked. I explained to my friend that I had to go and I couldn't stay. From that day in January I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't go to school, so I had to have work sent home. I couldn't answer the phone to my teachers either. I had to cancel my driving lessons and any meetings with friends. It was hell on earth. Everything that I loved was being taken away. 

At that time, people thought I was really ill. I had been to the doctors a few times complaining of great stomach pain and generally feeling horrible. I had my bloods done and it turned out that there wasn't anything wrong with me; it was just in my head. In a weird way I was hoping for something to be wrong with me just so my problems could be solved. 

As time moved on, I slowly managed to leave my house. I remember the first time I walked to the shop at the end of the road and remembering what an amazing feeling it was. It was only a quick trip, but I left my house and paid for something. As time continued I managed to catch public transport, including going on the train to London with my Dad. I had to find some strength to fight the feeling that something terrible was going to happen to me. School was still a great problem and I went very little. Everyday was a physical and mental pain. My mum would take me to the school gate and I would have panic attacks every day and be crying with sadness and exhaustion. Sometimes I could go to school, but other times I would just sit outside the gate. It would be true to say that most of my A-Levels studies were spent outside of school rather than inside. Nevertheless, hard work and self teaching allowed me to get to university, although it was all a guessing game at the time as to whether I would even make it. 

It got to around March and I began to go back to driving lessons but getting to school was still a great problem. I struggled to step inside the building without feeling really ill and exhausted. Many people hate school and find it boring, but if I could've just gone to school with ease it would've been such an achievement.

Around the end of 2013 I began to have counselling and CBT on the NHS, which helped me immensely. I believe I had to be transferred to three different counselors and took some tests to find out that my most severe anxiety is health, followed by social anxiety and panic attacks. As some of you may have read, I left therapy in May 2014, which was an amazing feeling.

In February 2014 when my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts were at their worst, I began to take a medication called Citalopram thanks to my Mum and I now never look back. After waiting a few weeks for the medication to work, I woke up one to day to feel a change that I can only describe to be a miracle.

Since that time I have now had two part time jobs, graduated from university with first class honours and am now doing my dream job in the emergency services. I am still on medication and continuing to battle my anxiety. Panic attacks are few and far between and I'm currently seeing a counsellor, which does help. I still experience bouts of depression and anxiety, but I'd go as far to say that I am almost recovered. Looking back now, I was once in hell - a place where I had no capabilities to enjoy any aspect of my life, and now I have moved out and am living independently - a day I never thought I would ever see. 

I hope this brief overview of my anxiety story so far, has helped you to come to terms with your own. 

What is my experience of panic attacks?

The first panic attack I ever had was on GCSE results day. I was so nervous. On the way to the venue where I would collect my results, I completely freaked out and couldn't breathe and started crying. I just assumed it was nerves and it passed as soon as I got into the venue.

As the months past, these panic attacks began to be a regular occurrence - before driving lessons, before my hypnotherapy sessions, catching transport, going into a shop, applying for jobs, asking for something and eventually going to school. I've had so many panic attacks when going to school, It's ridiculous.

Even though I have experienced loads of panic attacks, there are a few that I can remember really clearly. Despite the panic attack on results day, another one I can clearly remember is when I went to apply for jobs. Applying for jobs is hard enough with anxiety, let alone someone who severely suffers from it. It was going quite well in confidence terms. I was in the mall and I went into several shops, but had little luck - either they weren't taking on or I was too young. I managed to hand in some and applied to others online. I had been into so many shops and been rejected. Many anxiety sufferers will understand that this increases your anxiety. I went into one shop that surprize, surprize wasn't taking on and I stepped outside of the shop and started to panic. I couldn't breathe, then I was crying and slowly everything became a blur. Luckily I had support which could calm me down and helped me to breathe. 

I remember clearly, I was planning to go to a Rizzle Kicks concert, but just like all of the other opportunities, I often didn't go through with them and just stayed at home. I really didn't want to go. The thought of all of those people and the thought that I couldn't escape was overwhelming. Before I went out the door, I got into a panic. I couldn't breathe and was crying again. This time I really couldn't breathe at all, and it was so scary. However, with the help of the support around me, I managed to calm down and actually enjoyed myself.

A final example I can think of is when I was about to catch a bus with my friend. She was coming round to meet me, but the problem was that I hadn't told her about my situation. Again, I had the usual symptoms; couldn't breathe, was crying and generally tried to get myself out of the situation. I felt really ill. However, as soon as my friend came round, I managed to control myself. 

These panic attacks were getting out of hand and was making my anxiety worse. Therefore, it was decided that I was to see and hypnotherapist - it's not as scary as you think! With time, my panic attacks slowly decreased and I learnt to understand the feelings which helped me to be in control. 

I hope my experience of panic attacks can reassure you that you're not alone and that what you're feeling is only typical. With help, panic attacks can be solved.

What are panic attacks?

Definition of a panic attack: 'A sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety.'

Panic attacks are part of the flight or fight system as I mentioned in a previous post titled 'What is Anxiety?'. Panic attacks arise due to the rush of adrenaline that you get due to the fight or flight system that we face in an fearful situation and we have this system due to our time as cavemen. When we were going to be attacked by a bear for example, we would have the choice to fight or run and this is what the adrenaline is for. It gives us an extra push to perform the actions we need to do to survive. However, for many anxiety sufferers this fight or flight system arises even when there is no danger at all. For example, you could be in a crowded place, or about to take part in a big event and you feel overwhelming anxiety. This situation you are in poses no threat, yet your body sends a rush of adrenaline. Many people may now be asking, 'well, what's the problem with that?' Often panic attack sufferers will end up not being able to breathe, feeling sick, light headed, crying, and eventually really tired due to the exhaustion. For many panic attack sufferers, their senses highten and for others they become quite confused. As with anxiety in general, each symptom depends on the person. Panic attacks drain all of your energy and can make sufferers feel quite ill. This sickness feeling comes from the digestive system slowing down due to the adrenaline. 

Panic attacks can last for a few minutes to many hours. They can also be on and off. 

Panic attacks tend to prevent some people from doing what they love as they are afraid that they will experience a panic attack whilst out and about and this again is very disabling for a person. The reason why people think this way is because the flight and fight system often repeats itself and forms a pattern in your reactions. For example, if you had a panic attack in a Mall, the next time you visit, it is highly likely that you will experience another one, even though there was no danger present at either time. 

As always, thanks for reading.