My year in review 2015

It's that time of year again where I review my past year. I've done this for the previous two years, which can be read here and here.

It's been another intense year with ups and downs but many achievements. I finished my first year studying Law at university and moved into the second with a pass rate I am very pleased with. University has been the best choice I have made as I have made so many great friends, become independent and battled my anxiety head on. I have some amazing memories and laughs from this year which I will never forget.

I have been to numerous concerts and met my idol for the third time, reached a one year anniversary, had many nights out and great times with friends and family and moved into my own house!

This Summer has been a massive achievement for me. I travelled back from Germany to London completely alone, worked in a charity shop for two months, did a weeks work experience in a law firm, held my blogger meet up and did lots of travelling. I also took my driving test for the first time, but unfortunately failed. Nevertheless, because it is one of my biggest anxiety triggers I am so proud I took it. I retook my driving test for the second time and passed! A three year battle which I've won!

Of course, as with any year there have been battles that had to be conquered and I've still battled my anxiety and depression this year and some stages were definitely more tough than others. But, I have felt that by going to university the struggle has lessened. As I look back at my years in review, it's encouraging to see the improvement over time. I still continue to work with it and battle it and I'm hoping that maybe even next year I will be able to come off of my medication. 

I am immensely proud of this year and what I have achieved. You can do it!

Journey of depression

Unlike some people, my depression came about as a result of my severe anxiety that I faced. However, I would say that my suicidal thoughts and depression were felt as young as the age of 15, before my anxiety even became such a detrimental problem. At the time, I didn't tend to pay much attention, I just knew that I was in a very dark place at times. Luckily, these were far and few between until my breakdown at the age of 17.

As soon as my anxiety became so severe that I couldn't leave the house, my depression crept in and took over my whole being and there was nothing I could do about it. Everything in my life was taken away by my anxiety including school, friends, driving, picking up the phone, answering the door and even walking to the end of my road. I couldn't do anything and to be stuck inside and incapable of doing anything triggered my depression to a severe extent.

It's difficult to describe what depression is if you haven't experienced it yourself, but I have tried my best to summarize it, here. 

It was when the sky was blue and yet everything was dark. For me, it meant not caring for my appearance, always wearing black, having sleeping troubles, always feeling tired, having no motivation to do anything I loved (not that I had much ability to do that anyway!), loss of weight, endless crying, hysterics, not being able to get out of bed, loss of control, suicidal thoughts and some self harm. I was in a very troubled and dangerous place for my existence. The depression and mental health struggles I faced were absolute hell, and I was often pulled between the pillars of life and death on a regular basis. Keeping going was an immense struggle. However, I am glad I did.

I remember days and days where I wouldn't be interested in anything and I would just sleep to get some rest bite. I also remember times when my counselor had to come to my home because I was in such a terrible depressive state that I couldn't get outside. I must admit I hated filling in the depression and suicidal forms when I felt in such a bad way. But, I know they were there to look after me, along side my family, friends and teachers and I thank them greatly. 

Nowadays, as my anxiety has reduced and I am on medication, my depressive episodes are few and far between. However, I can find depression creeping up on me randomly and for no reason at all. Unfortunately, depression runs in the family and this is something that I continue to battle.

For those of you who know what depression is like, you'll know exactly what I have and can go through and for those of you that haven't, I hope you never ever have to, but please still educate yourself on this matter. For all of those fighting the immense struggle, please keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I was once in your position and now I am well on my way to recovery. I know you can do it too. Trust me on this!

Keep going - life can be beautiful.

Liebster award #2

I got nominated again for the Liebster award!

1. What is your favourite thing about blogging?

I think it's a great form of expression, which otherwise you freely wouldn't be able to do. I have also met so many people who have been through or who are going through similar situations to me, which hasn't only helped me, but those around me.

2. What is your must have beauty product?

I'm not a massive fan of beauty products, but I suppose it would have to be my Nivea primer. It works super well and you've got to have a solid base to build upon, right?!

3. What is the most worn item in your wardrobe?

Just recently, I've thrown away quite a few of my old tops because of the move to university and the memories that they hold. But, I reckon it must be my red tartan winter jacket. It must be at least five years old. The pockets have holes in, but I just love it too much to ever get rid of it!

4. Favourite movie?

It has to be Bend it like Beckham. It reminds me of my childhood and it's definitely a happy go lucky film. I could watch it forever. I wish they made a second one, or at least one with the same cast.

5. Would you start a YouTube channel?

I would like to, but I'm not sure I have the confidence. I write this blog anonymously, but I'd like my YouTube channel to be related to my blog somehow. It would requite me being in the video. Perhaps when I finally feel comfortable showing myself, then I will think about setting up a YouTube channel as it seems an opportunity full of experiences. 

6. Your favourite restaurant / place to eat out?

This is difficult. I'm not sure whether it's a chain restaurant, but it's called Pierre's. It's a french restaurant which does the most amazing food.

7. What is your favourite place/country that you have traveled to?

I would like to say that I remember America quite well, but unfortunately I don't. My favourite place other than that is probably London or in terms of a country, Italy.

8. Your favourite quote?

There's way too many that I like!

9. What would you like to be doing in 5 years time?

Finish my training as a lawyer or be in the police force. I think It's more towards the police force than anything else, which is something I've wanted to do since I was seven years old. But above all, happy I suppose.

10. Your favourite book?

The Noughts and Crosses series. The first book in the series is the only one that has ever made me cry. 

11. Do you have any pets?

No. But I would love to.

Amy Xx

How many times can I come out alive?

May be triggering.

I often ask myself, how many times can I be pushed and pulled between the poles of life and death. I find that for the majority of life, this has the been the case and just as you feel you are getting somewhere, you get pulled back again. This is something I am used to, but as many of you will know, just because you are used to certain trauma in your life, doesn't mean that you will never get tired of it. 

I find that I am in a much better place now than I was a few years ago and for that I am proud. I can also say that I am beginning to find happiness again - something which I never thought I'd experience for a long time. And even though this is the case, I can't help but be haunted by the continuous traumas that I experience in my life and I find myself questioning how many times can my body be put through this and come out alive? 

When we face trauma, it is extremely difficult especially those that are continuous like a break up of a family, or the illness of a family member. As a you and I both know, that as a sufferer of mental illness, these events don't impact lightly, nor would it on a person who doesn't suffer from such either! But, when we get pulled back into the pain and darkness that we have felt so many times with our mental illness, it has a detrimental effect because you and I both know that we never ever want to go back to the depth of hell that we have experienced. Not only that, but when we begin to find happiness again, it's difficult to comprehend that it might be being taken away all too soon. 

When such repeated traumas come around, I feel exhausted. Knowing that I've been experiencing such for over a decade, and there is no escape. The fact, that I wonder how much more I can cope with and how much longer I can stay alive.

As difficult as it is, I remind myself that this is that way it is, as unfair as it may be - the world doesn't owe me anything. It's just that some people get a better deal of cards than others. I remind myself that these are all bumps in the road on the way to recovery. And as tired and angry as I get, I remind myself that I cannot change this and I know there must be good to come. I just have to go through this pain to get to the other side. It cannot be helped. No year is perfect. 

You can keep going. You are stronger than you think.

Amy Xx

Perfection

We are always told that no one is perfect, and this is true. But, it's hard to believe when you end up comparing yourself with someone else who seems to have everything going for them. But, it's important to remind yourself that you are "comparing your behind the scenes with everyone else's show reel." Even though I know perfection doesn't exist, I still strive for it. This can be both good and bad and in theory I should achieve better outcomes, but it's always more detrimental to my mental health. 

I found that the day I moved to university, my happiness had reached a new level. And as time moves on, I begin to experience happiness; something which I haven't experienced in many, many years and it's the most wonderful feeling. Currently, I still feel blessed and I can honestly say I am happy. Even though my happiness is tainted sometimes and my mental health can be a struggle; something, which I expected and what I am struggling with currently.

I know that just because we change or try something new, doesn't mean that our mental health and other issues aren't going to follow us. But, it's hard to remind ourselves of that. I've found that experiencing happiness that I have missed for so long, hurts when it gets tainted and I end up losing my balance with my mental health. Questions whir around my head about others and I get scared, because I've been in the darkest depths and there is no way in hell, that I ever want to go back. But, you and I both must remind ourselves of this;

Everybody in life has their own journey and we are all different. What we see on the outside, is never what's going on the inside. Recovery is about progress, and when we have times when we wobble and our mental illness comes back to haunt us; we worry. We are scared that we will never escape. But, it's important to hold on and remember how far you've come. Only a couple of years ago, I couldn't leave the house and now I am living independently. We all have our achievements. And yes, I have questions as to why has this happened to me?, why do I have to do a double take on every action?, why is it me? It angers me so much, but as much as that can trouble me, this is it. This is me. And I find that I now have a greater depth of the world as a result. I find that, just because we wobble doesn't mean we are going to go back. Each relapse, makes you stronger. And even though you question, how many times can I come out of this alive? And as tired as you are, as much as you feel things aren't perfect, and as much as you feel things are slipping; no one is happy all of the time. But, perhaps you hold onto happiness more tightly than others, because you know that pain can be around the corner. But, as unfair as it is, you are strong and capable to get through it and taking time out is okay, because sometimes, it can all get too much. You've done it before and you can do it again.

Remember, no one is perfect.

Best Wishes,

Arts and Anxiety

Guest post!

I have worked in the arts for years. I remember the first time I got on stage and stood in front of an audience. I was 5, and I was in a pink leotard showing off my “good toes, and bad toes” (this is a ballet term for children, where you point and flex your feet).  The arts have been integral to my life, and growth as a person. For a very long time, I enjoyed the aesthetic pleasure that theatre, dance, film and visual art can provide until I started noticing a change in me. When I turned 21, I was thrusted into the BIG WIDE WORLD of “the working life”, which if I’m honest about I was not prepared for. I began to notice that the world wasn’t as easily as I had dreamed of, and no matter how much you plan for life; ultimately life has its own plan. And with that, I felt a change in me. The things that pleased me aesthetically were no longer stimulating me intellectually. So I joined a writers group, and started creating my own shows that dealt with real issues such as identity, race and mental health issues. Putting my thoughts, experiences and feelings on a page helped me to let out all of my pent up frustrations, fears, worries and anxiety. I began to realise the power that the arts has, to help bring social change, raise awareness, highlight real issues and ultimately empower my voice/experience. During 2013, I did a postgraduate in applied theatre, which allowed me to explore, how to use the arts to support and raise awareness on mental health issues and young people. I was amazed to find out that , throughout history the arts has been used as a tool to support the wellbeing of people who have suffered from Depression and Anxiety. But sadly, in more recent years this has now been pushed to the side (due to arts cuts, and new forms of treatment). With this revelation, I became inspired to create my new play “On the edge of me”, which is a Semi autobiographical piece which looks at Anxiety and  Panic attacks.  I hope that through performing and touring my show, I will be able to use theatre as platform to support and raise awareness of these issues. And hopefully encourage others to use the arts as a tool to improve their wellbeing, and empower their voices/stories. I remember reading this amazing quote for Mental health, Psychiatry and The Arts-

‘it is in the participation itself that transformation takes place; whether for healing or learning or both’

On the edge of me has been programmed at the Rich mix, Hifa Festival Zimbabwe and is currently accepting bookings. Please feel free to contact me for more information. 

A journey of depression

Hello, my name is Callum. I'm 19 years old and I experienced my first mental health issue about 18 months ago. I remember it like a light switch in my head. In my younger years, I was confident and regularly participated in social events with friends, got up on stage and was vocal in school classes. Looking back on this part of my life now, it scares me to see how much I've changed. Before I was carefree and now I struggle to talk to new people.

It began in October 2013. I was 17 and was attending a big party, which the whole year of my sixth form was invited to and this might sound cliché but my first instance of depression was triggered by unrequited love; my interest in her was essentially laughed off. I returned home from this party, ended up vomiting and then after a terrible night's sleep I woke up, wishing that I hadn't. I suppose at first I was hoping this was just a phase but these feelings ensued for months. Sixth form was becoming a struggle every day and I'd escape into my own world, headphones plugged in, playing my music so loudly that I couldn't hear what people had to say. I think it was fairly noticeable that I wasn't doing well, but one thing I can say is that these few months really showed me who my friends are.

The Christmas holidays came around and I was still struggling. I often questioned my existence and it was the first time that I self-harmed, punching a wall until I bled. I already wanted to escape Sixth Form, however following a slight public humiliation after continuing to pursue this girl I liked, my depression got worse. Over the holidays alone I lost around tow stone from not eating and had barely said a word to anyone. During this period I was regularly asked by my parents if anything was up, to which I replied with "no everything's fine". My parents had a lot on their plate and I felt that they didn't need my problems. That might sound absurd, but I felt as if I didn't matter to anyone, family included.

In A-levels there was a lot of pressure on exams; an area in which "Old Callum" used to excel. That was certainly not the case come April 2014. With the continued depression and bottling up of emotions teamed with the stress of exams, I broke down. I had my first anxiety attack and it felt horrendous. I was about 10 minutes from school when I turned to my mum and told her I couldn't go in. She seemed a little confused, but I really couldn't go further. After taking me home I sat on the floor of my room and cried listening to music for a few hours. After a few days away from school with anxiety, my Dad dragged me in and I was referred to counselling. It was really useful for this particular time in my life; someone to talk to was what I needed and after a couple of months things were starting to look up. Although I still felt down, there was no more self harm and I was coping with my stress and anxiety levels better than before.

After exams and a summer of ups and downs of equal measure, I embarked on university life. It was a mix of emotions for me. I couldn't wait to leave home, a place I associated with depression but I was scared to meet new people and socialising, especially given that I'm not much of a drinker! I was wrong. Although I was practically silent for the meet and greet event in my accommodation block, I came away with 3 fantastic friends, who I will get the pleasure of living with next year.

Finally, things were getting better. I was enjoying my course, I met amazing people and I was in an exciting new city far away from home. The only problem I faced was that I was still feeling depressed. I couldn't understand why and this drove me to become really angry at myself. It had been a year since I started feeling this way and despite everything being right, I still felt wrong. Although I was grateful that I finally had a friend to talk to who had similar experiences and without whom I'm not sure I could have made it through university.

After another bad winter break and the largest mental breakdown I've suffered to date, I realised something needed to be sorted out. A talk with my friends led me to the GP, after which I got prescribed medication. Afterwards, I called my family and explained what had happened. I wish I had done it sooner as even my dad, who I did not always get on with, was compassionate and understanding. Needless to say my family relationship has improved since.

I'm just shy of a month into my course of medication and despite a few early hiccups things are starting to improve with a few days of clarity, something I haven't felt since the beginning of it all.

I hope my journey has helped you know that you're not alone and I think if I can take anything away from this, it would be to trust those close to you with your mental health issues. Chances are, they will be there for you and a problem shared is a problem halved. I know that it can be tough, but stick at it, it will get better.

Callum.

Losing yourself

Out the whole mental health journey, I've found losing myself as the hardest part. I am no longer the person that I was because my mental health slowly deteriorated and took away the girl I once was, and this holds a pain that is almost unbearable.

I used to be seen as a bright and hard working student. The 'perfect' student who was always doing well and reaped the rewards from her hard work. But as my anxiety got hold, the grades began to drop and people no longer saw me as this "Mary Poppins". The very thing I took pride in was my education and it was slipping through my hands. As I began to lose my education, I began to lose any lust for life. I stopped driving lessons, seeing my friends and even leaving the house. I was always a person that loved going out and exploring new things, but the worse I got, the harder it became to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. As a child, I was always told that I woke up with a big smile on my face. I always laughed and enjoyed myself. But as depression set in, I couldn't laugh anymore, I couldn't smile and I couldn't see any positivity. I was no longer the smiling and optimistic girl.

Even though it pains me to think about this, looking at this from a stronger standpoint has made me review myself as someone that is in reconstruction. Perhaps, this had to happen for me to come out of my shell and to experience new things. I may never be that person again, but I am slowly improving and I think it's for the better. I am proud and almost somewhat accepting of my journey. I know without the tackling of my anxiety, I would still be the Old Amy, stuck inside her comfort zone and now, I am in a much better place. Even though it is really difficult to tackle the things that scare me and the journey has been hell on earth, I am experiencing and enjoying life like never before, and I know without my anxiety journey, I would still be stuck.

Perhaps, after years of losing myself, I am finally finding myself again; a new version of myself too. 

For anyone else who feels lost, it's important to remember that this is a journey that is making you stronger. You are in it now and rather than anxiety robbing you from what you have, you are beating it with all that you have and you are becoming better from it. I know it's hard, almost undesirably hard. But you can do it.

Best Wishes,