Perfection

We are always told that no one is perfect, and this is true. But, it's hard to believe when you end up comparing yourself with someone else who seems to have everything going for them. But, it's important to remind yourself that you are "comparing your behind the scenes with everyone else's show reel." Even though I know perfection doesn't exist, I still strive for it. This can be both good and bad and in theory I should achieve better outcomes, but it's always more detrimental to my mental health. 

I found that the day I moved to university, my happiness had reached a new level. And as time moves on, I begin to experience happiness; something which I haven't experienced in many, many years and it's the most wonderful feeling. Currently, I still feel blessed and I can honestly say I am happy. Even though my happiness is tainted sometimes and my mental health can be a struggle; something, which I expected and what I am struggling with currently.

I know that just because we change or try something new, doesn't mean that our mental health and other issues aren't going to follow us. But, it's hard to remind ourselves of that. I've found that experiencing happiness that I have missed for so long, hurts when it gets tainted and I end up losing my balance with my mental health. Questions whir around my head about others and I get scared, because I've been in the darkest depths and there is no way in hell, that I ever want to go back. But, you and I both must remind ourselves of this;

Everybody in life has their own journey and we are all different. What we see on the outside, is never what's going on the inside. Recovery is about progress, and when we have times when we wobble and our mental illness comes back to haunt us; we worry. We are scared that we will never escape. But, it's important to hold on and remember how far you've come. Only a couple of years ago, I couldn't leave the house and now I am living independently. We all have our achievements. And yes, I have questions as to why has this happened to me?, why do I have to do a double take on every action?, why is it me? It angers me so much, but as much as that can trouble me, this is it. This is me. And I find that I now have a greater depth of the world as a result. I find that, just because we wobble doesn't mean we are going to go back. Each relapse, makes you stronger. And even though you question, how many times can I come out of this alive? And as tired as you are, as much as you feel things aren't perfect, and as much as you feel things are slipping; no one is happy all of the time. But, perhaps you hold onto happiness more tightly than others, because you know that pain can be around the corner. But, as unfair as it is, you are strong and capable to get through it and taking time out is okay, because sometimes, it can all get too much. You've done it before and you can do it again.

Remember, no one is perfect.

Best Wishes,

Suicide

For some this post may be triggering, so please don't feel you need to carry on reading. The charity Samaritans are here to help, you can call them on 08457 90 90 90 (UK)

I've decided to take this step into writing this post because I very rarely see anyone talking about this topic directly. It's always covered up or ignored even though the loss of life is very real. Suicide, which I'm sure many of you are aware of, or have thought about is the taking one's own life. I know for many this post will want to be avoided because you don't want to think about it. But, this is exactly the point. Suicide and it's awareness cannot be ignored for any longer.

Here in England, there is a death every two hours.

This death could be your family member, your friend, your partner, parent or teacher. This is what makes the statistic even more shocking and the worst part is that people still ignore it. Suicide is a very real problem and there is the possibility that someone close to you is experiencing suicidal feelings or has tried to kill themselves. You may not even know and that is the scariest part. Occasionally however, a person may show signs of needing help or even directly asking for help. Please make sure you are a listening ear. Try just to listen, and to not make any comments on the matter. There are signs to be looking out for and ways to help, which you can read about, here.

Suicide isn't always directly connected to a mental health issue and there doesn't need to be a reason for it. Either way, it can still be fatal.

By writing this post, I don't just want to raise awareness, but I want to make sure that you understand something. When we feel suicidal, there is no way out, there is no help, there is often the feeling that no one understands and some people even feel that no one would miss them or love them. But, let me tell you this; people will miss you and people do love you. Whatever you are facing, and for however long, whether it's months or years, you can keep going. Often, the endless pain with no happiness for so long, and even the loss of what we once had leads us to feeling that we don't have the strength to carry on and I know that it is what you experiencing. But, let me tell you even when you feel you are taking your last few breaths, you do have the strength to carry on, there is a way out and it will come in time. Life is very unexpected and one day you will find the light again, and you will enjoy the love of life once more. I don't blame you at all for feeling like you do, but trust me when I say it will get better. Even if what I'm writing sounds like a shot in the dark and completely false, I do know that you can get there. 

Best Wishes and keep fighting,

I can't be happy

How many times have you heard someone say to you to "just be happy" or to "cheer up" and yet it feels like an impossibility? I know we all have down days; when we feel sad and tired and times when little words of encouragement and doing what we love can make us feel a whole lot better. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.

There have been so many occasions where people have said to me, to "just think positively, when you do that your whole mindset will turn around." As much as I tried, I just couldn't think positively. I just couldn't change my life around. Thus, when someone says to you to just be happy, some people just feel they can't. It's not through a lack of trying that people feel this way. After all, who would want to be in darkness for their whole life?

Depression is something that many people describe as a black hole which can't be climbed out of, a weight on a sunny day, when everything is going well in life, but yet you cannot get out of bed in the morning.

Depression takes away the ability to do what you love. It is a real illness, which many scientists believe is based upon a chemical imbalance. Depression can physically stop you from doing things. You can begin to eat more or less, becoming more tired and angry, or struggle to sleep. You can lose interests in the things you once loved. You can lose concentration and have suicidal thoughts. From the inside the person may feel utterly hopeless and doesn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. They will be in turmoil. A complete lack of lust for life. This isn't ignorance, this is just the sheer lack of capability to face anything without feeling like you're going to explode.

For many on the outside and who have never experienced depression, I can understand how it is difficult to accept why people just can't do things. But, even if you don't understand it's important to be patient and to be there for the person. The worst thing you can do is be confrontational towards them as this just makes it worse and pushes the person further into the darkness than need be. Often when you're depressed you feel isolated and alone, and you need to just be there to look after them until they feel ready to face the world again.

Depression is a serious illness and needs to be regarded with importance. Please don't brush it aside. Don't forget to get professional help if you or someone you know is really struggling. You've got this.

Best wishes,

How do I talk to someone?

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know that I encourage talking about mental health as the best route to recovery. However, I know this is easier said than done and I know that talking about your problems with mental health can be very difficult. Therefore, I've compiled a list of a few things that may help you:

1. Letter - Often we have the words to say, but we just can't bring ourselves to say them aloud. By writing a letter, it may be easier for you to tell someone about the issues you are facing and give the other person time to reply.

2. Trust - It's always easier to talk to someone who you know really well and trust. You know that these people will support you with whatever you will tell them. "A problem shared, is a problem halved" Therefore, you'll not only find it easier to talk to them, but it may give you the courage to talk to other people who you are close to in your life.

3. Research - Unfortunately, mental health isn't as understood as we'd all like it to be. However, there are ways you can help. It will become easier for the other person to understand if you have some information to help you explain the condition. You can find this information from the doctors, charities, the internet and of course your own experience!

4. You're the same - Keep in mind that you're still the same as you were before you had told this person about your mental health. You haven't changed, you just have to battle something extra in your everyday life. Perhaps explaining this to the person, may help them to understand and support you; you're still the person they've always known.

5. Walk and talk - Try to find the best way for you to tell the person. Perhaps it's easier to go on a walk and have a catch up with a friend, or it's easier to have a cup of tea and tell them face to face, perhaps telling them online; whatever is best for you. It's important that you try to find a way in which you feel comfortable and at a time when you feel ready.

Generally speaking, people saw the changes mental illness were having on me and thus it was hard to hide. On the other hand, for those I managed to keep it quiet from, I managed to have a general catch up with them in person, rather than online or by sitting them down. I found it easier to tell them straight away, as excuses only made it harder for me tell them what was really going on.

I hope these tips have helped. Everyone is different, so the method you have used may not be on this list. If you have used a different method, then please let me know in the comments below. Take your time.

Perhaps this video may help you:

Best Wishes,

Health Anxiety

According to Anxiety UK, health anxiety is defined as follows:
'Those affected by health anxiety have an obsessional preoccupation with the idea or the thought that they are currently (or will be) experiencing a physical illness.'

This means that for many people, they will regularly have the fear that they may have cancer, aids or a brain tumour amongst many other illnesses. There is also the tendency that if someone else has an illness, the person may feel they have the same. But, people may also be obsessive over being ill or becoming ill with a particular illness, like a stomach bug. From having one symptom such as a headache, many will jump to the conclusion that it's something a lot more serious such as a brain tumour, and in turn this will affect their everyday lives. Anything from a rash, a bite, a cold and muscle pain can all be taken to severity. You will often find many people with health anxiety taking regular trips to the doctors to make sure they don't have anything wrong with them, otherwise known as a safety behaviour. A personal example was the time when I was getting really bad stomach aches, and was sure that there was something wrong and so I went to the doctors. After a few tests, I found out that is was just my anxiety creating the physical symptoms.

For me, it's not so much about being obsessed with getting a disease, cancer or a heart attack; although I am prone to jumping to conclusions. It's mainly the obsessive and controlling fear of being physically ill in front of people. For me, this is mainly being sick or having stomach bug, but it could even be something like a nosebleed. I question and analyse how I'm feeling pretty much from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep and this can be hell; as not only do you feel ill, but you are in a high state of anxiety. 

Many people would say now; "don't focus on it" and "stop focusing on yourself". But if you felt ill, you wouldn't ignore it. So for someone who feels ill pretty much all of the time due to anxiety and has fears of illness, it would hard to justify your statement. Just like if someone has a fear of dogs, and they are constantly worrying that a dog might be near them, you can't just ignore it. You're scared.

It can become a downward spiral. For example, every day when I have school, I will wake up feeling ill, which is typical of the flight or fight system. However, feeling this way will make me think I am actually ill and have a bug. Therefore I will find it very difficult to leave the house. Because I feel I cannot escape, it becomes a big issue. Of course, this heightened anxiety will increase the symptoms.

I've had this fear for as long as I can remember, but it got really severe back in 2012, when my anxiety began to creep in. You can read more about it here. I've had to cope with it for a very long time and I'm not going to deny it; it's very debilitating. For example, struggling with public transport in the fear that I cannot escape incase I am ill. Not going to school, incase I am really ill. Not doing driving lessons, incase I cannot leave. Basically, it hinders anything and everything from going for a walk to giving a presentation. I know for some of you reading this it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but think about your worst fear and how debilitating that is. The mind is extremely powerful and my phobia works in just the same way as yours. 

Recently, it's taken a new turn. I am avoiding certain foods in the fear that it will make me ill. For example, I won't eat some meat, I will be obsessive with dates and dairy amongst other things to ensure that I don't get ill. Even though I know bugs are all around me, I try to prevent illness in any way I can. Obviously, not eating certain foods and eating less food is in no way good for my health and I am slowly trying to overcome this area of anxiety.

I hope this has been helpful to you in some way. I know many people will say "stop worrying" and "there is nothing wrong with you", but it's hard to when it's a fear. Don't forget, talking is the most important bit of advice I can give you. Don't bottle your feelings up and certainly seek professional help if you feel you need it. 

Best Wishes,

My year in review 2013!

I know we've still got a few weeks to go until the end of December and the beginning of 2014, but because it's going to be a busy time of celebration, now seems like a good option to reflect on the past year.

This time last year, it was 2012 and the end of what I regard as the best year of my life so far. The end of 2012 however, was a bit harder as my anxiety slowly began to creep in more and more. 2013 arrived and as many of you may have read, I had a breakdown in January where I've had to rebuild my life from the very beginning. Blood tests and mostly doctors appointments have been main parts of my life this year and almost twelve months later, it has brought me here. Thinking about this makes me feel sick to my stomach of frustration and sadness over how much I've missed in the past year or so. It's safe to it's been one hell of year in more ways than one.

On the plus side, even though this year has been a struggle, I have had a few good moments and it's important to remember these. Amongst a few highlights are my AS level results and university offers. At the beginning of the year, when I couldn't face school, many people said that I wouldn't do so well at school due my lack of attendance. But, I was so determined. I was not going to fail and I was not going to give in. The determination to succeed was so huge and the crippling anxiety was just what encouraged me further. I was not going to let my anxiety defeat me, even though I have had many moments in this year where I've thought the only way to survive, was to quit school. I spent many months revising and teaching myself in preparation for the exams, and I surprised myself and many others as a result. I've also learnt about myself more than ever this year and it's helped me to understand more about the philosophy of the world. If this is to teach you and I anything, it is that if you work hard you can reap the rewards and have faith in yourself that you can achieve. 

In terms of my family, friends and teachers - these are the people I am incredibly grateful for. Without them, I have no clue where I'd be now. They've kept me going. They have been so supportive. It sounds very cliche, but this year has shown me who my true friends are and I cherish them. Remember, talking is the most important thing you can do to get on the road to recovery. I can't thank everyone enough. I hope these people realise how important they are to me!

Looking back, I know this has been an extremely hard year; because of not having the ability do what I love and this is something I'm still battling, so that one day I can live a full life. It's true to say that many will only understand if you've experienced it. There have been many times when I could've given up, but I managed to hold onto the knowledge that I will get through this and that there are better things to come. I know there are times when you can feel as one of my teachers put it "just holding on", but you can do it and you will get there. 

How was your year in review? Let me know! 

Merry Christmas! or as it is said in German; Froehliche Weihnachten!,

What help is available? Extra Support

Here are just a few extra tips to help you if you feel you are suffering with a mental illness, such as anxiety.

1. Friends and Family
It's always great to have someone to talk to if you feel you are suffering from a mental illness. One of the best ways you can handle the situation is to talk and The Time to Change campaign gives tips on how to start a conversation about mental illness. 

I'm sure you will be surprised by the response of your family and friends - in a positive way, just like I was. I know it can be extremely hard to talk about it, however I would really advise you to start the conversation which will change your life and get you onto the road to recovery. Many people are reluctant to speak about their issues which can be problematic. I don't know your family or situation - you may not feel close to them, or don't feel you can trust them. I'd still advise to find just one person in your life, whether that be your Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, Grandparent, Auntie, Uncle, Cousin, Friend or even someone working for a charity.

2. YouTube
The internet is such a widespread recourse and we tend to use it in everyday life. While I was suffering from my mental breakdown and anxiety a few months ago and even now, YouTube has been a great support. At the time I was going through therapy and I thought I was the only one to ever suffer from anxiety, however I went on YouTube and just happened to find others who are just like myself.


Please, please talk to someone about your mental illness. I cannot stress it enough. After you've spoken to someone about it; whether that be a friend, family member or charity worker you have already started on your way to recovery. Then you can go to the GP who will be able to put you into the right direction to help you on your way.

"It seems impossible until it's done"

What help is available? Health Services

If you feel like you are suffering with a mental illness your first port of call should be your Doctor/GP. They should be able to put you into the right direction, whether that be counselling, medication or another department.

1. Your GP/Doctor
Your GP covers a wide range of topics when regarding mental illness, so I will try to make it simple. If you are having problems in regards to your mental health, whether that be depression/anxiety or any other mental illness, you can go to your GP. Don't be hesitant to discuss it with your GP, I did and it really was my first step on the way to recovery. I know it can be scary, especially if you get extremely anxious or embarrassed, but just think of the improvements you will make. You may find that the first doctor you see doesn't understand and it's important not to stop there. See as many different doctors as you need to get help.

2. Counselling/Therapy:
Out of everything I will ever mention on this blog, counselling is the most important step. This list below mentions some of the counselling services I know of and/or have gone through:

A) Private Sector - This can be somewhat costly and can take a long time to search for a private counsellor or hypnotherapist. However if you are in desperate need, then this is what you should go for. I was put on a waiting list for an NHS mental health service, which I was on for 7 months. Because I was in such desperate need, I had to go private. I saw a hypnotherapist where it was half talking about my feelings and how I was doing with certain aspects of my anxiety and the other half was relaxing and what is known as 'hypnotherapy'. This is where your hypnotherapist will read specific things to try and make your brain relax/clear/feel a different way about a situation. It's really not as bad as you think. 

B) NHS Mental Health services - Through my own experience, this is by far a much more meaty type of counselling and really worked for me. I think each area of the UK will offer different kinds of services, so you will have to do some research to find out. In my first session I was assessed with anxiety and depression charters and my therapist decided based on my condition which method was right for me.

C) CAMHS - This is only available in certain areas of the UK, but it's known to be a great and helpful service for people suffering with emotional and behavioural issues. This is a service which again can help you, but I do not have any experience with.

There are many other services out there, but your GP will be the most informative with this topic.

3. Medication
Medication is another option in helping with your health. Doctors seem to try therapy and other methods first before medication. However if you feel you are in desperate need of it because therapy isn't helping or you feel you need it in conjunction, then you should go to your doctors to discuss your situation. There is a range of medication out there to deal with anxiety/depression and not all of them will work for you. You may need to try a few before it really works. Your Doctor/GP is the best person to talk to and will advise you about what to do.

Recovery is also based upon you. Recovery is extremely hard and there is no denying it. Counselling/therapy and other methods takes will power and can be very hard when you are in a situation like this, however time will pass and you will get there.

Good luck and best wishes,

What help is available? Charities

There are many charities and organisations out there which offer advice and support in regards to mental health and other related issues and problems. Below I have listed my favourite charities that I have looked at and used.

1. Time to Change - I mentioned this in a previous post. I'd argue that this is the best page around at the moment. Time to change is a campaign that tries to reduce the stigma of mental illness. You can write a pledge, volunteer in real life or online and in turn read people's stories and get help. Click here for the website.

2. Childline - For all of you who are under 18, Childline is also a great refuge. You may think childline is just a support for children who are suffering certain problems, but as a matter of fact childline is there to offer support on just about anything. Not only is there information, but you can chat to a professional which is fully confidential either online or on the phone. Click here for the website.

3. Rethink - Rethink is another mental health charity, which is more about informing you about your condition, people's stories and what you can do to get onto the path of recovery. They also offer crisis links to which you can phone or email if you feel there is an imminent risk. Click here for the website.

4. Anxiety UK - Anxiety UK is extremely helpful, not only because this is probably the condition you are suffering with, but it also offers detailed information and support. Not only can you learn about the condition, campaign and read each others stories, but you can contact them through phone, email and chat. They also offer therapy services. Personally, I'd find this most useful for information and advice. Click here for the website.

5. Mind - Mind is campaigning for better mental health. Like many other mental health sites it offers a crisis helpline and an info-line. There is lots of information about how you're feeling and how you can take part to improve other people's mental health. Click here for the website.

I hope this information has helped you in some way. Remember to share it to others if you think they could make the use of information!

How does anxiety affect you?

Anxiety affects people in many different ways, most of which I have already covered. In this post, I have split them into main sections.

1. Physically

As mentioned before, anxiety can affect your body. For example, sickness, headache, your stomach, sleep, you can become irritable, fidgety, eating less or eating more etc. It changes for everyone. However the problem here is, some of these symptoms represent illness. Even though from the outside people know you are not ill, you can't help but question it yourself which can sometimes increase your anxiety and stop you from doing the things that you love.

2. Mentally

Anxiety is exhausting. From the minute you wake to the minute you go to sleep, it is with you. It often means not being able to do the things that you love and want to achieve in life and can make it difficult to complete the smallest of tasks. For someone who really wants to strive and do well in life, this is extremely difficult as you feel life is passing you by where as everyone else is out having fun and this mental barrier often leads to depression. Depression and anxiety come hand in hand; if you are depressed you often become anxious and vice versa. It can create a very debilitating lifestyle.

3. Relationships

Generally speaking people are really supportive, however there will be some arrogant people out there who are not.

Support is great but people can become tired. Some members of my family don't always understand and can lose their temper if I can't do something, where as othher people will just brush it off and be a bit insensitive with their ways. It can be exhausting looking after someone whom is constantly unwell, but that doesn't mean they don't want to support you.

Tips to get out of the darkness

Today, I thought I would focus on anxiety and feeling down. One thing to remember with recovery is that it can be two steps forward and one step back. My recovery has been going really well with the only major problem areas now being school and driving lessons. However my anxiety flares up severely before those events and I often ending up feeling really awful. This usually isn't because of the event itself, but because of the physical and mental pain I always have to face when I can't go through with something and often feel as if I have been defeated.

I've come up with some tips to help. These tips can be used anytime that you are feeling down:

1. Heaters & drains - people can be classed as either givers or takers. The givers are the heaters and the drains are the takers. As a first step in improving your life you need to look at the people around you. At a time when you are feeling at your worst, you need to focus on yourself and only have positive people around you. Write a list of people in your life who are heaters and drains and start to get rid of the drains. It's definitely not easy, but when you're so fragile it's a must.

2. How do I get out? - you need to write or create a mind map about how to get out of this situation you're in. What will make you feel better? A few on my list are to eat healthy, sort out my heaters & drains, and join a club amongst many others. My anxiety isn't going to make it easy, but I can try.

3. Be positive - I know everyone says it...positive thoughts will change your outlook and it's true, but sometimes your situation means that you can't. But again write a list of everything you're looking forward to. A few on my list is a possible holiday and possible Law work experience. Not only will it make you think of all the things to look forward to, but hopefully it should keep you going for a little bit longer.

4. Write a bucket list - I know many people who have had depression have said to write a bucket list. You're not allowed to die until you have completed this bucket list. You can be as imaginative as you like! A few on mine is to meet Elly Jackson (from La Roux) again, and to make this blog successful.

5. The little things - sometimes we get so consumed in our problems that we forget how lucky we are. Make a list about all the things you enjoy in life such as the birds singing in the morning, cups of tea and so on.

6. Get lost - We need to spend time on our own. When a situation gets so bad, you need to escape. Play a computer game, read a book, go away for a week, listen to music, dance to music and even go to sleep if that's what will help. 

Most of the time when we think we can't get through something, we do. Think about all of the things you've achieved so far.