Perfection

We are always told that no one is perfect, and this is true. But, it's hard to believe when you end up comparing yourself with someone else who seems to have everything going for them. But, it's important to remind yourself that you are "comparing your behind the scenes with everyone else's show reel." Even though I know perfection doesn't exist, I still strive for it. This can be both good and bad and in theory I should achieve better outcomes, but it's always more detrimental to my mental health. 

I found that the day I moved to university, my happiness had reached a new level. And as time moves on, I begin to experience happiness; something which I haven't experienced in many, many years and it's the most wonderful feeling. Currently, I still feel blessed and I can honestly say I am happy. Even though my happiness is tainted sometimes and my mental health can be a struggle; something, which I expected and what I am struggling with currently.

I know that just because we change or try something new, doesn't mean that our mental health and other issues aren't going to follow us. But, it's hard to remind ourselves of that. I've found that experiencing happiness that I have missed for so long, hurts when it gets tainted and I end up losing my balance with my mental health. Questions whir around my head about others and I get scared, because I've been in the darkest depths and there is no way in hell, that I ever want to go back. But, you and I both must remind ourselves of this;

Everybody in life has their own journey and we are all different. What we see on the outside, is never what's going on the inside. Recovery is about progress, and when we have times when we wobble and our mental illness comes back to haunt us; we worry. We are scared that we will never escape. But, it's important to hold on and remember how far you've come. Only a couple of years ago, I couldn't leave the house and now I am living independently. We all have our achievements. And yes, I have questions as to why has this happened to me?, why do I have to do a double take on every action?, why is it me? It angers me so much, but as much as that can trouble me, this is it. This is me. And I find that I now have a greater depth of the world as a result. I find that, just because we wobble doesn't mean we are going to go back. Each relapse, makes you stronger. And even though you question, how many times can I come out of this alive? And as tired as you are, as much as you feel things aren't perfect, and as much as you feel things are slipping; no one is happy all of the time. But, perhaps you hold onto happiness more tightly than others, because you know that pain can be around the corner. But, as unfair as it is, you are strong and capable to get through it and taking time out is okay, because sometimes, it can all get too much. You've done it before and you can do it again.

Remember, no one is perfect.

Best Wishes,

A journey of depression

Hello, my name is Callum. I'm 19 years old and I experienced my first mental health issue about 18 months ago. I remember it like a light switch in my head. In my younger years, I was confident and regularly participated in social events with friends, got up on stage and was vocal in school classes. Looking back on this part of my life now, it scares me to see how much I've changed. Before I was carefree and now I struggle to talk to new people.

It began in October 2013. I was 17 and was attending a big party, which the whole year of my sixth form was invited to and this might sound cliché but my first instance of depression was triggered by unrequited love; my interest in her was essentially laughed off. I returned home from this party, ended up vomiting and then after a terrible night's sleep I woke up, wishing that I hadn't. I suppose at first I was hoping this was just a phase but these feelings ensued for months. Sixth form was becoming a struggle every day and I'd escape into my own world, headphones plugged in, playing my music so loudly that I couldn't hear what people had to say. I think it was fairly noticeable that I wasn't doing well, but one thing I can say is that these few months really showed me who my friends are.

The Christmas holidays came around and I was still struggling. I often questioned my existence and it was the first time that I self-harmed, punching a wall until I bled. I already wanted to escape Sixth Form, however following a slight public humiliation after continuing to pursue this girl I liked, my depression got worse. Over the holidays alone I lost around tow stone from not eating and had barely said a word to anyone. During this period I was regularly asked by my parents if anything was up, to which I replied with "no everything's fine". My parents had a lot on their plate and I felt that they didn't need my problems. That might sound absurd, but I felt as if I didn't matter to anyone, family included.

In A-levels there was a lot of pressure on exams; an area in which "Old Callum" used to excel. That was certainly not the case come April 2014. With the continued depression and bottling up of emotions teamed with the stress of exams, I broke down. I had my first anxiety attack and it felt horrendous. I was about 10 minutes from school when I turned to my mum and told her I couldn't go in. She seemed a little confused, but I really couldn't go further. After taking me home I sat on the floor of my room and cried listening to music for a few hours. After a few days away from school with anxiety, my Dad dragged me in and I was referred to counselling. It was really useful for this particular time in my life; someone to talk to was what I needed and after a couple of months things were starting to look up. Although I still felt down, there was no more self harm and I was coping with my stress and anxiety levels better than before.

After exams and a summer of ups and downs of equal measure, I embarked on university life. It was a mix of emotions for me. I couldn't wait to leave home, a place I associated with depression but I was scared to meet new people and socialising, especially given that I'm not much of a drinker! I was wrong. Although I was practically silent for the meet and greet event in my accommodation block, I came away with 3 fantastic friends, who I will get the pleasure of living with next year.

Finally, things were getting better. I was enjoying my course, I met amazing people and I was in an exciting new city far away from home. The only problem I faced was that I was still feeling depressed. I couldn't understand why and this drove me to become really angry at myself. It had been a year since I started feeling this way and despite everything being right, I still felt wrong. Although I was grateful that I finally had a friend to talk to who had similar experiences and without whom I'm not sure I could have made it through university.

After another bad winter break and the largest mental breakdown I've suffered to date, I realised something needed to be sorted out. A talk with my friends led me to the GP, after which I got prescribed medication. Afterwards, I called my family and explained what had happened. I wish I had done it sooner as even my dad, who I did not always get on with, was compassionate and understanding. Needless to say my family relationship has improved since.

I'm just shy of a month into my course of medication and despite a few early hiccups things are starting to improve with a few days of clarity, something I haven't felt since the beginning of it all.

I hope my journey has helped you know that you're not alone and I think if I can take anything away from this, it would be to trust those close to you with your mental health issues. Chances are, they will be there for you and a problem shared is a problem halved. I know that it can be tough, but stick at it, it will get better.

Callum.

Losing yourself

Out the whole mental health journey, I've found losing myself as the hardest part. I am no longer the person that I was because my mental health slowly deteriorated and took away the girl I once was, and this holds a pain that is almost unbearable.

I used to be seen as a bright and hard working student. The 'perfect' student who was always doing well and reaped the rewards from her hard work. But as my anxiety got hold, the grades began to drop and people no longer saw me as this "Mary Poppins". The very thing I took pride in was my education and it was slipping through my hands. As I began to lose my education, I began to lose any lust for life. I stopped driving lessons, seeing my friends and even leaving the house. I was always a person that loved going out and exploring new things, but the worse I got, the harder it became to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. As a child, I was always told that I woke up with a big smile on my face. I always laughed and enjoyed myself. But as depression set in, I couldn't laugh anymore, I couldn't smile and I couldn't see any positivity. I was no longer the smiling and optimistic girl.

Even though it pains me to think about this, looking at this from a stronger standpoint has made me review myself as someone that is in reconstruction. Perhaps, this had to happen for me to come out of my shell and to experience new things. I may never be that person again, but I am slowly improving and I think it's for the better. I am proud and almost somewhat accepting of my journey. I know without the tackling of my anxiety, I would still be the Old Amy, stuck inside her comfort zone and now, I am in a much better place. Even though it is really difficult to tackle the things that scare me and the journey has been hell on earth, I am experiencing and enjoying life like never before, and I know without my anxiety journey, I would still be stuck.

Perhaps, after years of losing myself, I am finally finding myself again; a new version of myself too. 

For anyone else who feels lost, it's important to remember that this is a journey that is making you stronger. You are in it now and rather than anxiety robbing you from what you have, you are beating it with all that you have and you are becoming better from it. I know it's hard, almost undesirably hard. But you can do it.

Best Wishes,

Miracle of medication

Mental health always seems to be surrounded by the word 'medication'. It's true to say that there are many people with mental health that don't take medication, but there are those that do and that's nothing to be ashamed of. What we must remember is that mental illness can affect people in the same way as a physical illness and should be and gradually is being treated with the same respect. It's also important to remember that one in four of us are going to experience a mental health condition in any one year, so why should those with the conditions not have the same help? Hence, if someone needs medication to live a 'normal' life then they have every right to do so and the medication is just a part in trying to heal and repair a part of the body. This is just like if someone were to take blood pressure tablets; it's all helping. 

I must admit that I was very reluctant to take any medication because of stigma and future prospects, but in the end it was a matter of enjoying my life once more or to carry on struggling. In the end after months, if not years of deliberation I decided to take medication. I know there are some out there who say "natural remedies are best", "medication isn't good" and so on. But, I had tried everything possible; herbal remedies, exercise, breathing techniques, visualisation, changing my diet, CBT, hypnotherapy and counselling. Although the CBT was the one thing that benefited me the most, nothing was making a massive difference. The continued absence from school and nothingness in life was no way to live and thus it was advised that medication was the way to go.

Luckily, the first medication I was prescribed was the one for me. It took a few weeks for it to work and to get the dose right, but after that it has been a great help. I can only describe it like a miracle. I am now going to school more often and it is less of a struggle than it was, I'm also doing things I used to do with more ease. I'd be lying if I said "I don't struggle anymore", but anxiety is less present. I still have bad days and there are things that anxiety still interferes with and things that I struggle to do and avoid. But, this is just something I still have to work on. 

What people often forget is that mental illness is often an imbalance of chemicals and medication helps to balance this out, just like taking medication for thyroid, for example. I think people see it as a problem because people cannot see mental illness and thus don't believe in the devastating effects it can have on the person, there is still the use of stereotypes and there is also the belief that all medication is addictive and makes you lose yourself. Of course, this isn't true.

Medication has improved my life more than I could have imagined. I was extremely skeptical at first, but it's better to enjoy life a bit more than to worry about the stigma. Please don't forget if you feel you are struggling, see the doctor and do what's right for you. Don't give up. 

Best Wishes,

How do I talk to someone?

If you're a regular reader of my blog, you'll know that I encourage talking about mental health as the best route to recovery. However, I know this is easier said than done and I know that talking about your problems with mental health can be very difficult. Therefore, I've compiled a list of a few things that may help you:

1. Letter - Often we have the words to say, but we just can't bring ourselves to say them aloud. By writing a letter, it may be easier for you to tell someone about the issues you are facing and give the other person time to reply.

2. Trust - It's always easier to talk to someone who you know really well and trust. You know that these people will support you with whatever you will tell them. "A problem shared, is a problem halved" Therefore, you'll not only find it easier to talk to them, but it may give you the courage to talk to other people who you are close to in your life.

3. Research - Unfortunately, mental health isn't as understood as we'd all like it to be. However, there are ways you can help. It will become easier for the other person to understand if you have some information to help you explain the condition. You can find this information from the doctors, charities, the internet and of course your own experience!

4. You're the same - Keep in mind that you're still the same as you were before you had told this person about your mental health. You haven't changed, you just have to battle something extra in your everyday life. Perhaps explaining this to the person, may help them to understand and support you; you're still the person they've always known.

5. Walk and talk - Try to find the best way for you to tell the person. Perhaps it's easier to go on a walk and have a catch up with a friend, or it's easier to have a cup of tea and tell them face to face, perhaps telling them online; whatever is best for you. It's important that you try to find a way in which you feel comfortable and at a time when you feel ready.

Generally speaking, people saw the changes mental illness were having on me and thus it was hard to hide. On the other hand, for those I managed to keep it quiet from, I managed to have a general catch up with them in person, rather than online or by sitting them down. I found it easier to tell them straight away, as excuses only made it harder for me tell them what was really going on.

I hope these tips have helped. Everyone is different, so the method you have used may not be on this list. If you have used a different method, then please let me know in the comments below. Take your time.

Perhaps this video may help you:

Best Wishes,

A whole lot of chitty chat

Hello guys! As you may know I have recently written a blog post for Anna from 'A Whole Lot Of Chitty Chat'. I thought it would be a good idea if Anna would write a blog post for my blog too, in the hope that it will help others in regards to what you're experiencing with anxiety, but also to let you know of a great blogger!

Hello Amy's lovely readers, by the looks of her twitter followers there could be a lot of you! I love reading Amy's blog & I can totally relate to her just like many others can too I'm sure :)

I approached Amy & asked her if she would like to do a post for my blog which she happily got involved in & sent me a post, which is now up over on my blog.

So now it is my turn, I didn't approach Amy with the hope that she would want me to do a post for her blog too, not at all. But I feel happy that she asked me to do one in return. I approached Amy in the hope she would say yes & so I could then help spread the word & share her blog with my readers.

So now we are on track & know what is going on, I'll tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Anna, I'm 21 & I blog over at A Whole Lot Of Chitty Chat. I started blogging at the start of this year when to be honest I felt very little purpose in my life. That was when my blog was created, I thought it would be a good place to share my thoughts. Then I actually started sharing my blog about a bit over on twitter & started gaining readers. Now I not only blog for myself but for others, others who probably like yourself feel so alone in your situation. You are never alone :)

Just like Amy, I suffer with anxiety. I first started noticing when I was around the age of 16/17. I know how hard life can be for those affected. You can feel so misunderstood, you can feel so alone. But that really doesn't have to be the case. You shouldn't have to suffer in silence either. If you don't feel comfortable speaking about your struggles openly, why not maybe start a blog anonymously just like Amy?

I think blogging is a great way to have a voice & a little place to build a friendship & become part of a community. I'm currently building friendships with a few lovely girls who also blog, it is fantastic!

I do blog mainly about mental health & the effect it has on my life but I now blog weekly about my driving lessons & do a post every Sunday called Sit Down Sunday which is where I just reflect on everything good about that week. For a little while I had a routine for the days of the week I would blog on but sometimes life is unexpected & changes. Plus having a routine kind of takes away the fun in blogging & just adds pressure! Pressure is not fun.

I'm going to leave my post at that & hope I haven't bored anyone to sleep. Oh & well done if you managed to read to the end. I feel that was really higgledy piggledy so I apologise :)

Thanks for having me over on your blog Amy & thanks to your readers for hopefully reading this post :)

Anna ♥

You can find me over on twitter @awholelotof_

Find my blog over at http://awholelotofchittychat.blogspot.co.uk/

If you do check out my blog leave me a little comment saying you've come from Amy's blog :)

Thank you Anna for writing. it just shows there are many people going through the same experience as you.

My phobia of school!

I am going to write in more detail about my severe battle with school to help others understand. I know from the outside, this 'fear' of school appears somewhat impossible. It can appear as if you're not bothered and that you're skipping school, but this is not true at all. 

I have always enjoyed school for as long as I can remember. I was also quite obsessive about school to the extent that I wouldn't miss a day of school. I wouldn't go on holiday and the only time I would ever take a day off is when I was really ill, but even then I would sometimes still go to school. I couldn't bare to take a day off in the fear I may miss something really important. My uniform was always correct and I would do and still do every single piece of work set, revision and extra study. Never in all my time at secondary school did I get a detention either, as I ensured I did every piece of work and behaved in class. Of course, I was teased quite a bit in school because of what I was like, but now I'm older it doesn't really bother me as I got the grades I deserved because of my attitude towards education. These grades are more important than ever bowing down to any peer pressure. So, now you can see why having a year off school (on and off) is not typical of me.


From around the age of 8, I began to have slight problems with school, however I would still go to school everyday and be just as dedicated. These problems I faced with school reduced quite a bit until I turned 17, almost 10 years later. 

One day I was walking to school and I got to the sixth form where I began to have a panic attack. I explained that I had to leave and walked home. From that day in January, I have never gone back to way I used be. From that day forward I became increasingly anxious towards school and had more negative thoughts in connection with school too. I felt like the world around me was falling apart. I knew that other areas of my life were being affected by anxiety and now it was affecting my education too. It just happened overnight. 

In January 2013 I had a breakdown and I couldn't face school at all. I had a mental block. The best way I can explain a mental block is through the following example: You're on top the empire state building. You have been ordered to jump off the building with no safety equipment and you know that you will die if you do so. The feeling you get when someone is trying to push you forward and you are resisting; that fear of your body screaming 'NO' is the fear I get every single day. The mental block makes it very hard mentally and physically to get out of the door.This mental block can also come and go throughout the school term, especially when I'm trying to get to school after a break. 

From that day in January, I have now been to school and on and off. I have had work sent home, teachers talking to me and phoning me, numerous sessions of counselling and CBT, medication and methods of coping. I have also been given leeway as to being allowed to arrive to school later, separate rooms for my exams and being able leave if I need to. This has helped me a lot! 

So, what exactly happens? Every day of school, I often have a bad nights sleep. This often means restless or little sleep. I wake up with absolute dread, fear, exhaustion and lack of motivation. I feel really ill; like I'm going to be sick. I feel tired and fed up. Before I go to school, I often begin to breathe rapidly, my heart is racing and adrenaline is rushing. This is typical of the flight or fight system and is where the problem lies. Firstly, this makes you very tired and second of all, these feelings of being ill makes you believe you are ill and so you feel you can't leave the house. My legs are heavy and I feel as if there is a brick wall in front of me. My Mum will try absolutely everything to get me out of the door, from persuasion to reassurance. Once I'm in the car, I will often put up quite a fight to not get out of the car due to the fear being so massive. I will say and do anything to get out of the situation. The majority of days I will just sit outside of the school gates as the power of my anxiety is too overwhelming to do otherwise. However, there are days when I will be able to understand my anxiety and get to school. Once I'm in the school gates, the feeling of sickness and panic will be with me for at least half an hour until it begins to reduce and my symptoms begin to subside. However, these can come back throughout the day. I'm sure you can imagine how depressing and hellish this would be; feeling ill, exhausted, not looking forward to going to school, people being disappointed, people being stressed and missing out on memories.

The thing with anxiety is that you might as well be in prison. You spend days on end inside a house going through torture through your own head. The worst bit is that you haven't done anything wrong. You look out of your window, and you see people going to school and you're stuck in the house. You can't even get an education or do what you love.

"You know this fear is irrational, right?" I know full well that school is just a building with amazing and supportive people inside, but for some reason my body will just go into a complete irrational state. It's so hard to explain. If I could leave the house, I would. But again it is the irrational fear. Firstly, it's the worry that I am going to be ill and secondly I can also have a mental block as mentioned above. It so frustrating as it can be so debilitating to the extent that you cannot walk towards the door. 

I know from the outside, it seems completely stupid but it is something I have to battle and is very real. I continue to work extremely hard outside of school to maintain my grades. You have to show people that you can still accomplish what you want in life.

Best Wishes and keep fighting!