My year in review 2014

I don't know how I can begin to comprehend the journey that has been this year. If you've been following my blog, you'll know that last year was "hell in more ways than one." You can read more about 2013, here.

Although the year had a rocky start, with my worst depressive episode, it was immensely better than 2013. Anxiety was still a big problem in terms of school, but by beginning a course of medication, life became so much easier. I began to tackle the things that scared me the most. I was definitely pinned to the post between life and death, but I can happily say that this year has been one of the best in a long time, and for that I am forever grateful. 

I don't think you can truly experience the beauty that life holds, unless you have been to the darkest depths. This year, I have felt the fresh air like never before and held on to moments with every last grip. In a way, I can experience life at a new level. This year, instead of having limited positive experiences to talk about, I have too many to list; from getting into university (I have to say, I am having the time of my life), meeting my idol for the second time, being discharged from therapy, conquering some of my anxiety triggers, concerts, travelling; the list could go on.

Never did I think that I would experience happiness again, and even though I still have my bad days, and although I know haven't gotten over my anxiety completely, my life is a world away from the last year. It's almost incomprehensible. Once I was on the tightrope between life and death and now I am living independently and discovering happiness once more. I cannot thank my family, friends and teachers enough, as without them I don't know where I'd be. And of course you, the readers of my blog have been super supportive and for that I thank you. I wrote in last years', year in review that I hoped that the next year would be more of a dream than a nightmare, and my hopes have become a reality. At the beginning of 2013, I couldn't leave the house. And now, at the end of 2014, I am living independently. I never thought it possible, but life is full of twists and turns. You can do it. 

When people ask me what my greatest achievement is out of this continuing process, I have to think. But, my answer always remains the same. "surviving" I say. "Because I never thought I'd see the day." 

Best Wishes,

Suicide

For some this post may be triggering, so please don't feel you need to carry on reading. The charity Samaritans are here to help, you can call them on 08457 90 90 90 (UK)

I've decided to take this step into writing this post because I very rarely see anyone talking about this topic directly. It's always covered up or ignored even though the loss of life is very real. Suicide, which I'm sure many of you are aware of, or have thought about is the taking one's own life. I know for many this post will want to be avoided because you don't want to think about it. But, this is exactly the point. Suicide and it's awareness cannot be ignored for any longer.

Here in England, there is a death every two hours.

This death could be your family member, your friend, your partner, parent or teacher. This is what makes the statistic even more shocking and the worst part is that people still ignore it. Suicide is a very real problem and there is the possibility that someone close to you is experiencing suicidal feelings or has tried to kill themselves. You may not even know and that is the scariest part. Occasionally however, a person may show signs of needing help or even directly asking for help. Please make sure you are a listening ear. Try just to listen, and to not make any comments on the matter. There are signs to be looking out for and ways to help, which you can read about, here.

Suicide isn't always directly connected to a mental health issue and there doesn't need to be a reason for it. Either way, it can still be fatal.

By writing this post, I don't just want to raise awareness, but I want to make sure that you understand something. When we feel suicidal, there is no way out, there is no help, there is often the feeling that no one understands and some people even feel that no one would miss them or love them. But, let me tell you this; people will miss you and people do love you. Whatever you are facing, and for however long, whether it's months or years, you can keep going. Often, the endless pain with no happiness for so long, and even the loss of what we once had leads us to feeling that we don't have the strength to carry on and I know that it is what you experiencing. But, let me tell you even when you feel you are taking your last few breaths, you do have the strength to carry on, there is a way out and it will come in time. Life is very unexpected and one day you will find the light again, and you will enjoy the love of life once more. I don't blame you at all for feeling like you do, but trust me when I say it will get better. Even if what I'm writing sounds like a shot in the dark and completely false, I do know that you can get there. 

Best Wishes and keep fighting,

I can't be happy

How many times have you heard someone say to you to "just be happy" or to "cheer up" and yet it feels like an impossibility? I know we all have down days; when we feel sad and tired and times when little words of encouragement and doing what we love can make us feel a whole lot better. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.

There have been so many occasions where people have said to me, to "just think positively, when you do that your whole mindset will turn around." As much as I tried, I just couldn't think positively. I just couldn't change my life around. Thus, when someone says to you to just be happy, some people just feel they can't. It's not through a lack of trying that people feel this way. After all, who would want to be in darkness for their whole life?

Depression is something that many people describe as a black hole which can't be climbed out of, a weight on a sunny day, when everything is going well in life, but yet you cannot get out of bed in the morning.

Depression takes away the ability to do what you love. It is a real illness, which many scientists believe is based upon a chemical imbalance. Depression can physically stop you from doing things. You can begin to eat more or less, becoming more tired and angry, or struggle to sleep. You can lose interests in the things you once loved. You can lose concentration and have suicidal thoughts. From the inside the person may feel utterly hopeless and doesn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. They will be in turmoil. A complete lack of lust for life. This isn't ignorance, this is just the sheer lack of capability to face anything without feeling like you're going to explode.

For many on the outside and who have never experienced depression, I can understand how it is difficult to accept why people just can't do things. But, even if you don't understand it's important to be patient and to be there for the person. The worst thing you can do is be confrontational towards them as this just makes it worse and pushes the person further into the darkness than need be. Often when you're depressed you feel isolated and alone, and you need to just be there to look after them until they feel ready to face the world again.

Depression is a serious illness and needs to be regarded with importance. Please don't brush it aside. Don't forget to get professional help if you or someone you know is really struggling. You've got this.

Best wishes,

How will people react to me?

In the last post we covered the idea of stigma and you would be correct in saying that stigma is a reaction of mental illness. However, in this blog post I want to talk about how people react to your mental illness journey. I've split this into two: People being fed up and people who don't think before they speak.

The people who are supporting you, love you and want to be there every step of the way. Unfortunately, we are all humans and we cannot sustain such support for a long period of time. We all need time to ourselves. What I've found is that occasionally friends and family will become tired, have a shorter temper and want time alone. Just because they are a bit fed up, doesn't mean they love you any less or care for you any less. Some have even indirectly said that they can't take it anymore. They will support you 100% of the time and just because they may be finding it hard to see you suffering, doesn't mean they have stopped supporting. They are just charging their batteries to help you further! Don't give up on yourself. 

There have also been times when what has been said is possibly inconsiderate and insensitive.  When something inconsiderate is said, I just try to brush it off and argue that it's them who has the problem. For example, I'll speak about my problems, if it's topic of conversation. However when I told about my troubled thoughts, I got told that I wasn't the person to be expected to have these problem and everything carried on as normal. I put it down to a lack of understanding that leads to a lack of compassion.

You are not to blame for your situation and sometimes people will sometimes say things that they don't think about before hand.

Remember, your friends and family may have helped you through your hardest times, so don't forget to help them when they're feeling a bit fed up.

Tips to get out of the darkness

Today, I thought I would focus on anxiety and feeling down. One thing to remember with recovery is that it can be two steps forward and one step back. My recovery has been going really well with the only major problem areas now being school and driving lessons. However my anxiety flares up severely before those events and I often ending up feeling really awful. This usually isn't because of the event itself, but because of the physical and mental pain I always have to face when I can't go through with something and often feel as if I have been defeated.

I've come up with some tips to help. These tips can be used anytime that you are feeling down:

1. Heaters & drains - people can be classed as either givers or takers. The givers are the heaters and the drains are the takers. As a first step in improving your life you need to look at the people around you. At a time when you are feeling at your worst, you need to focus on yourself and only have positive people around you. Write a list of people in your life who are heaters and drains and start to get rid of the drains. It's definitely not easy, but when you're so fragile it's a must.

2. How do I get out? - you need to write or create a mind map about how to get out of this situation you're in. What will make you feel better? A few on my list are to eat healthy, sort out my heaters & drains, and join a club amongst many others. My anxiety isn't going to make it easy, but I can try.

3. Be positive - I know everyone says it...positive thoughts will change your outlook and it's true, but sometimes your situation means that you can't. But again write a list of everything you're looking forward to. A few on my list is a possible holiday and possible Law work experience. Not only will it make you think of all the things to look forward to, but hopefully it should keep you going for a little bit longer.

4. Write a bucket list - I know many people who have had depression have said to write a bucket list. You're not allowed to die until you have completed this bucket list. You can be as imaginative as you like! A few on mine is to meet Elly Jackson (from La Roux) again, and to make this blog successful.

5. The little things - sometimes we get so consumed in our problems that we forget how lucky we are. Make a list about all the things you enjoy in life such as the birds singing in the morning, cups of tea and so on.

6. Get lost - We need to spend time on our own. When a situation gets so bad, you need to escape. Play a computer game, read a book, go away for a week, listen to music, dance to music and even go to sleep if that's what will help. 

Most of the time when we think we can't get through something, we do. Think about all of the things you've achieved so far.