The end?

What a difficult few years it's been, but I can proudly say that I've gotten into university to study Law; which has been my lifelong ambition.

If you have read my blog post about my struggles with school, you'll know that I've missed around a year of my A-levels. But, I was still extremely determined to get the grades in order to get to university. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten into my first choice university as I didn't get the grades and they weren't going to give any leeway either. And as much as I wanted to go to that uni (a lot!) I still managed to get my insurance choice, so it's still somewhere I'd like to go.

I was absolutely devastated when I found that I didn't get into my first choice university, devastated. And at the time, it wasn't confirmed that I was into my insurance choice either, so I was very lost and angry at myself. I don't think the outcome would have mattered as much to me, if I had been at school full time without any troubles with my mental health. But these last few years and my battle with anxiety has been absolute hell; taking away my education and opportunities. Everything I loved became everything I lost. I worked so hard to even step inside the school gates and to keep on going, and not doing as well as I hoped, was destroying.

But, what I must take from this is a greater sense of self worth. I managed to get into university, which a few months back would've been impossible, let alone taking my A-levels. It would've been completely out of the question. I am disappointed, but I must be proud of the fact that I can say that I couldn't have worked any harder and that these are my results at the end of it. If I didn't work as a hard, I wouldn't be where I am. I must put into retrospect that my grades are good considering my attendance. Not only that, but I mustn't be as hard on myself; not everyone can be the best all of the time. I've always been seen as a "bright" and hard working student, and as my anxiety got hold, my grades began to drop and I began to lose the very thing I was really passionate about; making me feel stupid. As hard as that is, I am where I am and I am who I am. No matter what the hardships, I know my triumphs and that is what I must hold dear, no matter of others opinions. At the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan and you may feel you haven't got the justice you deserve, but it's something you have to grow with and sometimes that may be for the better. 

It's time to begin the next chapter of my life. I am both excited and terrified. I hope you will all follow the journey with me!

(And would you believe it, I'm currently writing this blog post whilst travelling on a train by myself! Who would have thought it?!)

Finally, If you're going through a severely difficult time, keep going. I was so distraught, but I held on and now I'm here. Something I would never have thought possible. I have been where you've been and I know what it's like. It can get better.

I'm proud of you!

Best wishes,

Compulsory education

I wrote a few months back about mental health in academia or rather the lack of it. This post is going to be focused more on the need for it rather than the pressures and protection.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while and is something which I am extremely passionate about, due to my own experience of mental health in the education system. However, what had sparked this post was a tweet from @Mentalhealth_ed who have set up petitions to the secretary of education, to make mental health in education compulsory. You can visit their website, here.

You see, mental health is extremely common, with 1/4 experiencing a mental health problem in any one year. More importantly though, 1/3 in every school class will experience a mental health problem. That's the same probability as some physical illnesses and yet, mental health is still not addressed as important or fatal, which of course it is.

The anatomy of the body is taught in biology, but yet mental health is left out of it. Furthermore, in personal development there is the discussion of drugs, alcohol and sex to an extent which may or may not be successful, but yet no talk of mental health. Until you go to school, you are surrounded by your families opinions, and at such an influential age this is all you really know. Thus this is where school becomes an important information source. With young people spending more time in education than outside, surely it's highly important to prepare them for future life and everything that can come their way. By educating early, we can get people to really understand the reasons and reality to mental health. In this way then we can battle the harmful and horrific stigma of the straight jackets, murderers and schizophrenics. 

If we aren't going to learn about this in education, then where will we learn it? We won't learn about it in the community, because many still believe in the myths. They aren't educated on mental health, which isn't always their fault; it's what they've been socialised into. I have written a lot more about the stigma, here and whilst we are working on the government, you can voluntarily read about the myths, here.

It's not just the education during these school years, but the importance in noticing how many pupils go through mental health problems. With mental health in schools still being taboo due to the lack of education, many will keep their mental health a secret as it is seen as 'bad' and this is extremely dangerous. Many teachers don't have the knowledge of how to act and pupils don't know how to act around them with only knowledge of stereotypes. With it being so common, not only do we need to teach to get others to understand, but to support those suffering. We must let them know it's okay to talk and you shouldn't suffer in silence.

Many of you retweeted my tweet about mental health and education, which is amazing; it just shows how many people see compulsory mental health in education as important. Please help us to raise more awareness and change the current situation by sharing this blog post, and using the hashtag #compulsorymentalhealth on twitter.

Let's just give ourselves one last reminder. Mental illness kills and destroys. Physical health is attributed with the same statistics and has more attention paid to it, but the same if not worse consequences can occur from a mental health condition. People have lost and are losing friends, family members, colleagues, sons and daughters, mums and dads due to the mental illness that is eating them away and yet this still isn't regarded as important enough to educate about. Because there aren't straightforward scientific methods to determine the diagnosis of these conditions, it's brushed aside. Because you can't see internal bleeding or a lack of white blood cells, it's regarded as inferior. But, let me ask you this; would a person stay in hell if they had the chance to leave?, would there be tears running down their face with absolute dread in their eyes, with a racing heartbeat if they weren't trying to get over the fear attributed with their mental health condition? It's time to face the fact that mental health does exist. We know that it can be a chemical imbalance and we can see from the outside the absolute turmoil in people's behaviour. Now's the time to educate, to get rid of the stigma and to save lives. 

You probably know someone who is suffering with mental illness or are yourself. Please sign the petitions to improve peoples lives for the future. 

Best wishes,

I've left school

Friday was my last official day at school.14 years of education has finally come to an end and it's the strangest thing.

For those of you who've read my post on school, you'll know that I've had severe struggles with it. Who would have thought I'd ever be writing a post about leaving school at the end of an academic year, rather than writing a post about leaving because my condition meant I had to. I guess it's an accomplishment! But, it's still weird to think i'll no longer be looking out of my bedroom window (unless I fail & have to retake!) hoping that one day I'd be able to make it to school, just like any other person. It's the weirdest thing and I almost can't explain it. I spent days in turmoil because I couldn't get to school and all of these past two years trying really hard to get into school. Only recently has it become easier, but just when I'm getting used to it, it's time to leave. 

14 years is a very long time and it's difficult to write about it in so little words. I suppose I could say that I've learnt a lot, I've grown as a person, there have been awful times, but there have been brilliant times and all of it I will never forget. I know I've missed a lot over these last few years, whether that be making memories or learning in lessons and even though it's painful to think of it, I know that I've got memories that I can cherish.

Best Blogger Award!

I will never forget my teachers either and it's true to say that most people don't. Over these past couple of years especially, I have seen how much effort is put into keeping the school running and students going and I am extremely grateful. My teachers have been amazing and I'll never forget the support they've put in place to help me through some extremely difficult times. They, alongside my family and friends have kept me going.

If you follow me on twitter, you'll know I tweeted about the 'best blogger award'. Friday was our leaving assembly and as part of it, various people were given awards. A few months ago, my teachers found my blog and thus the award was given for blog writing, helping others and recognising my general struggle. I really appreciate the thought.

I suppose it's time to conclude this post. Well, It's come to the end of an era and it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'll never have another lunchtime at school or a lesson, but as sad as it is and as fast as time is going by, this is the end of another chapter which I know I can revisit. It's so strange, as I remember the first time I met one of my teachers when I was 5 like it was yesterday. I'm 18 now and I'm wondering where all of the time has gone; It goes so incredibly fast.

If there's one thing left to write, it's that "life is short" and It does sound cliche, but it's true. Time is incredibly precious and it's stops for no man. I hope that you spend it wisely and do what makes you happy. If you find yourself in a difficult place at the moment, whether that's in terms of mental health or not, please keep going. I know you feel time is passing you by and you have lack of control, but you will get there in the end. I spent many a day thinking that the only way to survive was to quit school, but I held on and I'm here now at the other side. It's true to say, I'd never thought I'd see the day.

Thank you to everyone who has played a part in keeping me going over these past few years throughout school - you know who you are! It has been an extremely hard and without the support, I don't know where I'd be. It's true - people really do leave an impact on your life and it's important to cherish them.

Until next time,

My phobia of school!

I am going to write in more detail about my severe battle with school to help others understand. I know from the outside, this 'fear' of school appears somewhat impossible. It can appear as if you're not bothered and that you're skipping school, but this is not true at all. 

I have always enjoyed school for as long as I can remember. I was also quite obsessive about school to the extent that I wouldn't miss a day of school. I wouldn't go on holiday and the only time I would ever take a day off is when I was really ill, but even then I would sometimes still go to school. I couldn't bare to take a day off in the fear I may miss something really important. My uniform was always correct and I would do and still do every single piece of work set, revision and extra study. Never in all my time at secondary school did I get a detention either, as I ensured I did every piece of work and behaved in class. Of course, I was teased quite a bit in school because of what I was like, but now I'm older it doesn't really bother me as I got the grades I deserved because of my attitude towards education. These grades are more important than ever bowing down to any peer pressure. So, now you can see why having a year off school (on and off) is not typical of me.


From around the age of 8, I began to have slight problems with school, however I would still go to school everyday and be just as dedicated. These problems I faced with school reduced quite a bit until I turned 17, almost 10 years later. 

One day I was walking to school and I got to the sixth form where I began to have a panic attack. I explained that I had to leave and walked home. From that day in January, I have never gone back to way I used be. From that day forward I became increasingly anxious towards school and had more negative thoughts in connection with school too. I felt like the world around me was falling apart. I knew that other areas of my life were being affected by anxiety and now it was affecting my education too. It just happened overnight. 

In January 2013 I had a breakdown and I couldn't face school at all. I had a mental block. The best way I can explain a mental block is through the following example: You're on top the empire state building. You have been ordered to jump off the building with no safety equipment and you know that you will die if you do so. The feeling you get when someone is trying to push you forward and you are resisting; that fear of your body screaming 'NO' is the fear I get every single day. The mental block makes it very hard mentally and physically to get out of the door.This mental block can also come and go throughout the school term, especially when I'm trying to get to school after a break. 

From that day in January, I have now been to school and on and off. I have had work sent home, teachers talking to me and phoning me, numerous sessions of counselling and CBT, medication and methods of coping. I have also been given leeway as to being allowed to arrive to school later, separate rooms for my exams and being able leave if I need to. This has helped me a lot! 

So, what exactly happens? Every day of school, I often have a bad nights sleep. This often means restless or little sleep. I wake up with absolute dread, fear, exhaustion and lack of motivation. I feel really ill; like I'm going to be sick. I feel tired and fed up. Before I go to school, I often begin to breathe rapidly, my heart is racing and adrenaline is rushing. This is typical of the flight or fight system and is where the problem lies. Firstly, this makes you very tired and second of all, these feelings of being ill makes you believe you are ill and so you feel you can't leave the house. My legs are heavy and I feel as if there is a brick wall in front of me. My Mum will try absolutely everything to get me out of the door, from persuasion to reassurance. Once I'm in the car, I will often put up quite a fight to not get out of the car due to the fear being so massive. I will say and do anything to get out of the situation. The majority of days I will just sit outside of the school gates as the power of my anxiety is too overwhelming to do otherwise. However, there are days when I will be able to understand my anxiety and get to school. Once I'm in the school gates, the feeling of sickness and panic will be with me for at least half an hour until it begins to reduce and my symptoms begin to subside. However, these can come back throughout the day. I'm sure you can imagine how depressing and hellish this would be; feeling ill, exhausted, not looking forward to going to school, people being disappointed, people being stressed and missing out on memories.

The thing with anxiety is that you might as well be in prison. You spend days on end inside a house going through torture through your own head. The worst bit is that you haven't done anything wrong. You look out of your window, and you see people going to school and you're stuck in the house. You can't even get an education or do what you love.

"You know this fear is irrational, right?" I know full well that school is just a building with amazing and supportive people inside, but for some reason my body will just go into a complete irrational state. It's so hard to explain. If I could leave the house, I would. But again it is the irrational fear. Firstly, it's the worry that I am going to be ill and secondly I can also have a mental block as mentioned above. It so frustrating as it can be so debilitating to the extent that you cannot walk towards the door. 

I know from the outside, it seems completely stupid but it is something I have to battle and is very real. I continue to work extremely hard outside of school to maintain my grades. You have to show people that you can still accomplish what you want in life.

Best Wishes and keep fighting!

Recovery

Recovery: 'return to normal state: the return of something to a normal or improved state after a setback or loss.'

Recovery begins from the day you feel you are suffering. The day you take action and control of your situation is the day you go on the road to recovery.

A first thing to note about recovery is that it takes time. Recovery can take weeks, months or even years. For me, it's taken over a year so far and I'm still going strong! Don't rush your recovery as your body knows what's right for you.
One day you may wake up and feel like you have the ability to tackle the thing you've always been scared of. It will happen. Other tasks may take a while to accomplish. 

Overcoming anxiety is also based upon repetition. With anxiety, your body may feel there is a danger whenever you try certain tasks such as going to school or catching a bus. Tackling the thing you fear, can take a while, but don't fret as It does get better -  just think of my recovery process! At first I couldn't leave the house and now I am slowly getting back into school - which is my biggest anxiety trigger. I've got a while to go yet, but you must take it slowly.

I wish I could tell you recovery is easy, but there will be bumps in the road. I wish the same as you, that I could do what I wanted when I wanted, but my anxiety tends to get in the way. Many people use the term good days and bad days and this is completely normal. For me, today is a bad day. But, I am not deterred. I know that not everyday will be good, but you must think of everything you have achieved so far.

A positive thing about recovery is knowing that you're becoming a stronger and better person. The things you tackle which seems big to you, such as catching a bus can make you feel amazing after you've accomplished it. You get such a buzz from doing something you fear.

I wish you all the best and remember you've got this. People have been through this before and managed to get back to full health. You're not alone.

Stigma

Stigma: 'A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person: "the stigma of mental disorder"'

If there's a word you can think of when mentioning mental health, it is definitely stigma. In fact this is the main issue when looking at mental health. Many people are really scared of saying anything about their mental health incase they will be judged which can become a dangerous situation to be in.

Firstly there are laws out there which protect people from discrimination, such as the laws about mental health that can be applied in the workplace. However, as you might as well know they aren't always followed. So what else is there? These laws are there for your safety and protection and if you feel you are being mistreated you can always take it to a tribunal. No one is allowed to make you feel worthless, especially in the eyes of the law.

Secondly there are many organisations out there that are trying to get rid of mental health as a 'taboo' subject. The most important campaign to me is 'Time To Change'. You may have seen the adverts on the TV and videos on YouTube, which I advise you check out if you haven't already. There is also a pledge wall which I have signed, along with stories and how you can help - even more resources to make you realise that you are not alone! Anxiety UK, is a great charity too along with Childline. 

Stigma is a massive issue when it comes to mental illness. I have had great issues when trying to explain my anxiety and people either not listening, not thinking it's a big deal and just brushing it off as if they don't have to care. But, generally people have been supportive.

Family

In terms of my family, they have been very accepting. They haven't punished me for it, or been ashamed of me. I think this is because I have a very good relationship with my family, but also there are others in the family which suffer from mental illness too. They also saw me suffer before their eyes and with anxiety, it's hard to hide anything. I never really told them upfront but I guess they just knew and/or found out and when they did find out, they didn't treat me any differently. But there were some members of my family which struggled to understand, which can be aggravating. However without them I have no idea what I'd do. They have literally saved me and I can never thank them enough for it. 

Friends

Through my anxiety, I have realised who my true friends are. I have had some friends who I never thought would help me out, but they have been the best. They've talked to me about it for hours, sent me school work and helped me in any which way they can. However, I have only told very few of my friends. I hate to say the reason why, but I guess it's because of the stigma. I'm worried about what they will think and if they will tell others. I've also had many people ask me why I've been off so much from school, but I just tend to reply with 'I have a few problems' or 'just because' or 'when I'm better I will explain' and as t's such a sensitive subject, and I rather keep it close.

Teachers

I never thought my teachers would be so helpful. My Mum and Grandma sent the school cards! I expect most if not all of the teachers don't understand my situation and they could easily just say I couldn't be bothered or remove me from the school, but they have been amazing and I can't thank them enough. Whether you like school or not, your teachers will have an impact on you for the rest of you life and you must understand that they are there to help you. If you feel you can't talk to your parents, then talk to your teachers. My teachers have been wonderful by organizing separate rooms for my exams, sending work home, calling me, checking if i'm okay in lessons; the list is endless! The thing I've been most grateful for is that they've talked to me. At the end of lessons they've asked how I am, that they're here if I need to talk and so on. One of my teachers even spoke to me about the stigma. He said 'This first thing you think people are going to think of you is crazy, but that's not true at all.' 

What I'm trying to say, is that yes there will be stigma and it definitely hurts because you know that you cannot help it. But the thing is, it's because people don't understand and this is why I'd really like it to be taught in schools and the workplace. You have to understand that you are bigger and better than anything anyone can say to you, and you've got this. If I can do it, so can you. I've been to darkest places of life, and I'm slowly getting there. So don't give up, and don't listen to the rubbish people reel out. It is extremely painful and angers you immensely when people say inconsiderate things about your health, but understand you are stronger. I know you may be worried about the stigma if you talk about your health, but believe me it's not as bad as you think; there are people out there to support you and it's never as bad as you presume, just look at the support I have had!

You must speak to someone, whether it be your family, teachers, friends, or even me. You will be better off with the support.