Health Anxiety

According to Anxiety UK, health anxiety is defined as follows:
'Those affected by health anxiety have an obsessional preoccupation with the idea or the thought that they are currently (or will be) experiencing a physical illness.'

This means that for many people, they will regularly have the fear that they may have cancer, aids or a brain tumour amongst many other illnesses. There is also the tendency that if someone else has an illness, the person may feel they have the same. But, people may also be obsessive over being ill or becoming ill with a particular illness, like a stomach bug. From having one symptom such as a headache, many will jump to the conclusion that it's something a lot more serious such as a brain tumour, and in turn this will affect their everyday lives. Anything from a rash, a bite, a cold and muscle pain can all be taken to severity. You will often find many people with health anxiety taking regular trips to the doctors to make sure they don't have anything wrong with them, otherwise known as a safety behaviour. A personal example was the time when I was getting really bad stomach aches, and was sure that there was something wrong and so I went to the doctors. After a few tests, I found out that is was just my anxiety creating the physical symptoms.

For me, it's not so much about being obsessed with getting a disease, cancer or a heart attack; although I am prone to jumping to conclusions. It's mainly the obsessive and controlling fear of being physically ill in front of people. For me, this is mainly being sick or having stomach bug, but it could even be something like a nosebleed. I question and analyse how I'm feeling pretty much from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep and this can be hell; as not only do you feel ill, but you are in a high state of anxiety. 

Many people would say now; "don't focus on it" and "stop focusing on yourself". But if you felt ill, you wouldn't ignore it. So for someone who feels ill pretty much all of the time due to anxiety and has fears of illness, it would hard to justify your statement. Just like if someone has a fear of dogs, and they are constantly worrying that a dog might be near them, you can't just ignore it. You're scared.

It can become a downward spiral. For example, every day when I have school, I will wake up feeling ill, which is typical of the flight or fight system. However, feeling this way will make me think I am actually ill and have a bug. Therefore I will find it very difficult to leave the house. Because I feel I cannot escape, it becomes a big issue. Of course, this heightened anxiety will increase the symptoms.

I've had this fear for as long as I can remember, but it got really severe back in 2012, when my anxiety began to creep in. You can read more about it here. I've had to cope with it for a very long time and I'm not going to deny it; it's very debilitating. For example, struggling with public transport in the fear that I cannot escape incase I am ill. Not going to school, incase I am really ill. Not doing driving lessons, incase I cannot leave. Basically, it hinders anything and everything from going for a walk to giving a presentation. I know for some of you reading this it sounds absolutely ridiculous, but think about your worst fear and how debilitating that is. The mind is extremely powerful and my phobia works in just the same way as yours. 

Recently, it's taken a new turn. I am avoiding certain foods in the fear that it will make me ill. For example, I won't eat some meat, I will be obsessive with dates and dairy amongst other things to ensure that I don't get ill. Even though I know bugs are all around me, I try to prevent illness in any way I can. Obviously, not eating certain foods and eating less food is in no way good for my health and I am slowly trying to overcome this area of anxiety.

I hope this has been helpful to you in some way. I know many people will say "stop worrying" and "there is nothing wrong with you", but it's hard to when it's a fear. Don't forget, talking is the most important bit of advice I can give you. Don't bottle your feelings up and certainly seek professional help if you feel you need it. 

Best Wishes,

My year in review 2013!

I know we've still got a few weeks to go until the end of December and the beginning of 2014, but because it's going to be a busy time of celebration, now seems like a good option to reflect on the past year.

This time last year, it was 2012 and the end of what I regard as the best year of my life so far. The end of 2012 however, was a bit harder as my anxiety slowly began to creep in more and more. 2013 arrived and as many of you may have read, I had a breakdown in January where I've had to rebuild my life from the very beginning. Blood tests and mostly doctors appointments have been main parts of my life this year and almost twelve months later, it has brought me here. Thinking about this makes me feel sick to my stomach of frustration and sadness over how much I've missed in the past year or so. It's safe to it's been one hell of year in more ways than one.

On the plus side, even though this year has been a struggle, I have had a few good moments and it's important to remember these. Amongst a few highlights are my AS level results and university offers. At the beginning of the year, when I couldn't face school, many people said that I wouldn't do so well at school due my lack of attendance. But, I was so determined. I was not going to fail and I was not going to give in. The determination to succeed was so huge and the crippling anxiety was just what encouraged me further. I was not going to let my anxiety defeat me, even though I have had many moments in this year where I've thought the only way to survive, was to quit school. I spent many months revising and teaching myself in preparation for the exams, and I surprised myself and many others as a result. I've also learnt about myself more than ever this year and it's helped me to understand more about the philosophy of the world. If this is to teach you and I anything, it is that if you work hard you can reap the rewards and have faith in yourself that you can achieve. 

In terms of my family, friends and teachers - these are the people I am incredibly grateful for. Without them, I have no clue where I'd be now. They've kept me going. They have been so supportive. It sounds very cliche, but this year has shown me who my true friends are and I cherish them. Remember, talking is the most important thing you can do to get on the road to recovery. I can't thank everyone enough. I hope these people realise how important they are to me!

Looking back, I know this has been an extremely hard year; because of not having the ability do what I love and this is something I'm still battling, so that one day I can live a full life. It's true to say that many will only understand if you've experienced it. There have been many times when I could've given up, but I managed to hold onto the knowledge that I will get through this and that there are better things to come. I know there are times when you can feel as one of my teachers put it "just holding on", but you can do it and you will get there. 

How was your year in review? Let me know! 

Merry Christmas! or as it is said in German; Froehliche Weihnachten!,

On the rampage (stigma)

A few months ago, I did a three part series on stigma which you can find below:

• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3

This post however, I have felt the need to write after mental health coming up in a few discussions in class and it appears that quite a few people still have the impression that everyone with a mental illness is a person who is running around on a rampage. How wrong they are! This post will hopefully clear it up for anyone who still has the idea of such a stereotype. I am not an expert in every field of mental illness and I am still learning about my own every day, but I aim to get rid of some myths in today's post. In this post by Time To Change, it dispels some myths about mental illness and I advise you to take a look.

In the meantime, here are a few of my personal favourite mental myth busting facts:  

1. People who are mentally ill are violent - The majority are not violent. People with mental health are more likely to be victimised. From hearing in discussions, when people talk about mental illness they just think of violence and horror movies. I suffer mainly with anxiety as a mental illness and I am not violent. My Auntie who suffers with depression is not a person whom goes around like you see in the horror movies either. As can be seen in the dispute between Asda and Tesco with their halloween costumes, the majority of people with a mental illness are not like that. We are normal people. Mental illness doesn't define me. I am not a mental illness. I am me, with mental illness being something I must deal with. I find it very sad when the first words that people come out with when thinking about mental illness is: dangerous, violent and crazy. Too often the use of the word mental and comparing a person to someone in a mental institution is just reinforcing the stereotype. They are many in institutions who are suffering with conditions such as eating disorders and depression. It gives an increasing importance to get rid of the stigma.

2. If you're mentally ill, you would've been sectioned - not the case. There are many people with eating disorders, anxiety, depression and others that are not sectioned. There is often help within the community, people who go to therapy sessions and so on. Many can live a next to normal life.

3. You can see if someone's mentally ill - not true. If you saw me you wouldn't even guess it. I've had many a friend tell me 'I would never have expected it to be you'. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean there's no effect.The videos below from Time To Change may help you to have a new outlook, if not already. 

Best Wishes,

Diary of Anxiety

This isn't usually the type of post that I would write, but I'm hoping it will still be beneficial. There are so many people out there that don't understand anxiety and it's true to say, it will never be completely understood unless you have experienced it yourself. I hope that for the sufferers of the condition you will be able to relate to this somehow and for others, I'm hoping you understand how hard it can be for some people.

A diary of anxiety

Different aspects of your life will be affected depending on what type of anxiety you have and how severe it is. For those who suffer with severe anxiety, life can be a living hell and it is with you 24/7. 

Sometimes it will be present in your sleep. Your body will be preparing for the day ahead with the flight or fight response. This means one of two things; either interrupted sleep, or feeling tired when waking up. From the moment you wake, anxiety takes action with adrenaline rushing through your veins. You wake up everyday feeling ill because your body has heightened anxiety due to the daily tasks you have to complete, such as going to school or catching public transport. 

You've put up with this anxiety for a long time now and it's tiring. You feel ill when you wake, so you don't feel like doing much. You don't feel like putting makeup on or putting more effort into the way you dress. You can only eat little, because your anxiety is just too bad and you're always exhausted. You just want to stay in a safe place, where you can be calm for a while. For many people; this is home. 

Your anxiety is so crippling and disabling that it stops you from doing anything that you love. You get heightened anxiety any time you try to attempt to do something, which often ends in a panic attack or avoidance. As a result, you end up staying at home; again. Everything in your life is constant battle with your brain. You struggle and often avoid school, public transport, driving lessons, getting a job, joining a club and speaking in front of class. 
You try with every inch of your body and all of your might, to complete a simple task as to catch a bus, but it often results in hours of emotional and physical pain and angst about the thought. 

You're always told not to compare yourself to others but sometimes you can't help but notice the people around you. When you see other people your age with jobs, going to school without a second thought and driving, you can't help but feel a little bit hopeless.

It's all well and good saying that you are in control of your destiny, but when it seems you have a great brick wall in front of your every step, your legs are heavy and you feel like you're wading through thick mud, it's extremely hard to believe. But then you wake up one morning feeling okay and this is a very rare occasion but you're feeling good. You manage to overcome some of your fears and at the end of the day you feel ecstatic. You know that this is a taste of what life should be and could be like. You feel as if you've crawled out of this deep dark hole and seen the light. You know recovery isn't going to be easy, but it's the good days you've got to hold on to. You know that even if the crippling anxiety comes back the next day, you've experienced some sort relief.

Recovery

Recovery: 'return to normal state: the return of something to a normal or improved state after a setback or loss.'

Recovery begins from the day you feel you are suffering. The day you take action and control of your situation is the day you go on the road to recovery.

A first thing to note about recovery is that it takes time. Recovery can take weeks, months or even years. For me, it's taken over a year so far and I'm still going strong! Don't rush your recovery as your body knows what's right for you.
One day you may wake up and feel like you have the ability to tackle the thing you've always been scared of. It will happen. Other tasks may take a while to accomplish. 

Overcoming anxiety is also based upon repetition. With anxiety, your body may feel there is a danger whenever you try certain tasks such as going to school or catching a bus. Tackling the thing you fear, can take a while, but don't fret as It does get better -  just think of my recovery process! At first I couldn't leave the house and now I am slowly getting back into school - which is my biggest anxiety trigger. I've got a while to go yet, but you must take it slowly.

I wish I could tell you recovery is easy, but there will be bumps in the road. I wish the same as you, that I could do what I wanted when I wanted, but my anxiety tends to get in the way. Many people use the term good days and bad days and this is completely normal. For me, today is a bad day. But, I am not deterred. I know that not everyday will be good, but you must think of everything you have achieved so far.

A positive thing about recovery is knowing that you're becoming a stronger and better person. The things you tackle which seems big to you, such as catching a bus can make you feel amazing after you've accomplished it. You get such a buzz from doing something you fear.

I wish you all the best and remember you've got this. People have been through this before and managed to get back to full health. You're not alone.

What help is available? Health Services

If you feel like you are suffering with a mental illness your first port of call should be your Doctor/GP. They should be able to put you into the right direction, whether that be counselling, medication or another department.

1. Your GP/Doctor
Your GP covers a wide range of topics when regarding mental illness, so I will try to make it simple. If you are having problems in regards to your mental health, whether that be depression/anxiety or any other mental illness, you can go to your GP. Don't be hesitant to discuss it with your GP, I did and it really was my first step on the way to recovery. I know it can be scary, especially if you get extremely anxious or embarrassed, but just think of the improvements you will make. You may find that the first doctor you see doesn't understand and it's important not to stop there. See as many different doctors as you need to get help.

2. Counselling/Therapy:
Out of everything I will ever mention on this blog, counselling is the most important step. This list below mentions some of the counselling services I know of and/or have gone through:

A) Private Sector - This can be somewhat costly and can take a long time to search for a private counsellor or hypnotherapist. However if you are in desperate need, then this is what you should go for. I was put on a waiting list for an NHS mental health service, which I was on for 7 months. Because I was in such desperate need, I had to go private. I saw a hypnotherapist where it was half talking about my feelings and how I was doing with certain aspects of my anxiety and the other half was relaxing and what is known as 'hypnotherapy'. This is where your hypnotherapist will read specific things to try and make your brain relax/clear/feel a different way about a situation. It's really not as bad as you think. 

B) NHS Mental Health services - Through my own experience, this is by far a much more meaty type of counselling and really worked for me. I think each area of the UK will offer different kinds of services, so you will have to do some research to find out. In my first session I was assessed with anxiety and depression charters and my therapist decided based on my condition which method was right for me.

C) CAMHS - This is only available in certain areas of the UK, but it's known to be a great and helpful service for people suffering with emotional and behavioural issues. This is a service which again can help you, but I do not have any experience with.

There are many other services out there, but your GP will be the most informative with this topic.

3. Medication
Medication is another option in helping with your health. Doctors seem to try therapy and other methods first before medication. However if you feel you are in desperate need of it because therapy isn't helping or you feel you need it in conjunction, then you should go to your doctors to discuss your situation. There is a range of medication out there to deal with anxiety/depression and not all of them will work for you. You may need to try a few before it really works. Your Doctor/GP is the best person to talk to and will advise you about what to do.

Recovery is also based upon you. Recovery is extremely hard and there is no denying it. Counselling/therapy and other methods takes will power and can be very hard when you are in a situation like this, however time will pass and you will get there.

Good luck and best wishes,

How does anxiety affect you?

Anxiety affects people in many different ways, most of which I have already covered. In this post, I have split them into main sections.

1. Physically

As mentioned before, anxiety can affect your body. For example, sickness, headache, your stomach, sleep, you can become irritable, fidgety, eating less or eating more etc. It changes for everyone. However the problem here is, some of these symptoms represent illness. Even though from the outside people know you are not ill, you can't help but question it yourself which can sometimes increase your anxiety and stop you from doing the things that you love.

2. Mentally

Anxiety is exhausting. From the minute you wake to the minute you go to sleep, it is with you. It often means not being able to do the things that you love and want to achieve in life and can make it difficult to complete the smallest of tasks. For someone who really wants to strive and do well in life, this is extremely difficult as you feel life is passing you by where as everyone else is out having fun and this mental barrier often leads to depression. Depression and anxiety come hand in hand; if you are depressed you often become anxious and vice versa. It can create a very debilitating lifestyle.

3. Relationships

Generally speaking people are really supportive, however there will be some arrogant people out there who are not.

Support is great but people can become tired. Some members of my family don't always understand and can lose their temper if I can't do something, where as othher people will just brush it off and be a bit insensitive with their ways. It can be exhausting looking after someone whom is constantly unwell, but that doesn't mean they don't want to support you.

How will people react to me?

In the last post we covered the idea of stigma and you would be correct in saying that stigma is a reaction of mental illness. However, in this blog post I want to talk about how people react to your mental illness journey. I've split this into two: People being fed up and people who don't think before they speak.

The people who are supporting you, love you and want to be there every step of the way. Unfortunately, we are all humans and we cannot sustain such support for a long period of time. We all need time to ourselves. What I've found is that occasionally friends and family will become tired, have a shorter temper and want time alone. Just because they are a bit fed up, doesn't mean they love you any less or care for you any less. Some have even indirectly said that they can't take it anymore. They will support you 100% of the time and just because they may be finding it hard to see you suffering, doesn't mean they have stopped supporting. They are just charging their batteries to help you further! Don't give up on yourself. 

There have also been times when what has been said is possibly inconsiderate and insensitive.  When something inconsiderate is said, I just try to brush it off and argue that it's them who has the problem. For example, I'll speak about my problems, if it's topic of conversation. However when I told about my troubled thoughts, I got told that I wasn't the person to be expected to have these problem and everything carried on as normal. I put it down to a lack of understanding that leads to a lack of compassion.

You are not to blame for your situation and sometimes people will sometimes say things that they don't think about before hand.

Remember, your friends and family may have helped you through your hardest times, so don't forget to help them when they're feeling a bit fed up.

Stigma

Stigma: 'A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person: "the stigma of mental disorder"'

If there's a word you can think of when mentioning mental health, it is definitely stigma. In fact this is the main issue when looking at mental health. Many people are really scared of saying anything about their mental health incase they will be judged which can become a dangerous situation to be in.

Firstly there are laws out there which protect people from discrimination, such as the laws about mental health that can be applied in the workplace. However, as you might as well know they aren't always followed. So what else is there? These laws are there for your safety and protection and if you feel you are being mistreated you can always take it to a tribunal. No one is allowed to make you feel worthless, especially in the eyes of the law.

Secondly there are many organisations out there that are trying to get rid of mental health as a 'taboo' subject. The most important campaign to me is 'Time To Change'. You may have seen the adverts on the TV and videos on YouTube, which I advise you check out if you haven't already. There is also a pledge wall which I have signed, along with stories and how you can help - even more resources to make you realise that you are not alone! Anxiety UK, is a great charity too along with Childline. 

Stigma is a massive issue when it comes to mental illness. I have had great issues when trying to explain my anxiety and people either not listening, not thinking it's a big deal and just brushing it off as if they don't have to care. But, generally people have been supportive.

Family

In terms of my family, they have been very accepting. They haven't punished me for it, or been ashamed of me. I think this is because I have a very good relationship with my family, but also there are others in the family which suffer from mental illness too. They also saw me suffer before their eyes and with anxiety, it's hard to hide anything. I never really told them upfront but I guess they just knew and/or found out and when they did find out, they didn't treat me any differently. But there were some members of my family which struggled to understand, which can be aggravating. However without them I have no idea what I'd do. They have literally saved me and I can never thank them enough for it. 

Friends

Through my anxiety, I have realised who my true friends are. I have had some friends who I never thought would help me out, but they have been the best. They've talked to me about it for hours, sent me school work and helped me in any which way they can. However, I have only told very few of my friends. I hate to say the reason why, but I guess it's because of the stigma. I'm worried about what they will think and if they will tell others. I've also had many people ask me why I've been off so much from school, but I just tend to reply with 'I have a few problems' or 'just because' or 'when I'm better I will explain' and as t's such a sensitive subject, and I rather keep it close.

Teachers

I never thought my teachers would be so helpful. My Mum and Grandma sent the school cards! I expect most if not all of the teachers don't understand my situation and they could easily just say I couldn't be bothered or remove me from the school, but they have been amazing and I can't thank them enough. Whether you like school or not, your teachers will have an impact on you for the rest of you life and you must understand that they are there to help you. If you feel you can't talk to your parents, then talk to your teachers. My teachers have been wonderful by organizing separate rooms for my exams, sending work home, calling me, checking if i'm okay in lessons; the list is endless! The thing I've been most grateful for is that they've talked to me. At the end of lessons they've asked how I am, that they're here if I need to talk and so on. One of my teachers even spoke to me about the stigma. He said 'This first thing you think people are going to think of you is crazy, but that's not true at all.' 

What I'm trying to say, is that yes there will be stigma and it definitely hurts because you know that you cannot help it. But the thing is, it's because people don't understand and this is why I'd really like it to be taught in schools and the workplace. You have to understand that you are bigger and better than anything anyone can say to you, and you've got this. If I can do it, so can you. I've been to darkest places of life, and I'm slowly getting there. So don't give up, and don't listen to the rubbish people reel out. It is extremely painful and angers you immensely when people say inconsiderate things about your health, but understand you are stronger. I know you may be worried about the stigma if you talk about your health, but believe me it's not as bad as you think; there are people out there to support you and it's never as bad as you presume, just look at the support I have had!

You must speak to someone, whether it be your family, teachers, friends, or even me. You will be better off with the support.