My Anxiety story

I have always been a shy person throughout the whole of my life. I've hated joining clubs and standing on stage. My teachers tried their best in trying to improve my confidence, but it was little to no help. I also believe my mental health issues began to shows signs from the age of 8 years old when I had to make sure certain things were done before I went to bed and before I got to school. 

Because I've been a shy person throughout my life, it was hard to notice a change in myself with regards to my anxiety. However, my anxiety story began at the beginning of my exams in 2012, which would have been around March. I first noticed that something was odd when I began to feel really ill every day. At first I assumed it was a virus, but soon it wouldn't go away and I constantly felt I needed to leave the classroom whilst in school. It was horrible with constant sickness, stomach aches and lack of sleep. I assumed it was exam stress, but little did I know it would continue. 

I managed to go through all of my exams and my sickness began to wear off by the time the summer holidays came around. It was the best summer I have ever had. I went to the Olympics and spent long summer days with my friends, but I still had worries in the back of my mind. One of the main worries from the Summer was sickness. In any big event or enclosed space, such as a hall or stadium I felt I needed to get out and felt really ill. I began to take paracetamol on a regular basis to try and stop the sickness, even though it had no effect - it was like a safety blanket as I begun to develop this fear of being ill in front of people.

I believe my first panic attack was on results day in 2012. I was so nervous, I couldn't breathe and was crying. I just assumed that this was nerves that got out of control. But my panic attacks continued and I remember having several over the last few months of the year when catching public transport, going to school, driving lessons, applying for jobs and going on school trips.

I joined the sixth form in September of 2012 and on the first day I felt really, really ill when I thought I was going to be sick everywhere. I was exhausted but yet again I presumed it was just nerves from starting a new year. It continued quite severely for a week or so, until it began to pass off. 

Due to my increasing anxiety and severe depression that came with it, I began to see a hypnotherapist in the last few months of 2012 and into 2013, who helped me greatly. Due to the length of the NHS waiting list, I had to use this as a treatment due to my criticality of my mental illness. If I didn't get help then, I'm not sure I would've made it to today.  

I was really enjoying sixth form, until I got to January 2013. In January I had a breakdown. I got into school one day and completely panicked. I explained to my friend that I had to go and I couldn't stay. From that day in January I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't go to school, so I had to have work sent home. I couldn't answer the phone to my teachers either. I had to cancel my driving lessons and any meetings with friends. It was hell on earth. Everything that I loved was being taken away. 

At that time, people thought I was really ill. I had been to the doctors a few times complaining of great stomach pain and generally feeling horrible. I had my bloods done and it turned out that there wasn't anything wrong with me; it was just in my head. In a weird way I was hoping for something to be wrong with me just so my problems could be solved. 

As time moved on, I slowly managed to leave my house. I remember the first time I walked to the shop at the end of the road and remembering what an amazing feeling it was. It was only a quick trip, but I left my house and paid for something. As time continued I managed to catch public transport, including going on the train to London with my Dad. I had to find some strength to fight the feeling that something terrible was going to happen to me. School was still a great problem and I went very little. Everyday was a physical and mental pain. My mum would take me to the school gate and I would have panic attacks every day and be crying with sadness and exhaustion. Sometimes I could go to school, but other times I would just sit outside the gate. It would be true to say that most of my A-Levels studies were spent outside of school rather than inside. Nevertheless, hard work and self teaching allowed me to get to university, although it was all a guessing game at the time as to whether I would even make it. 

It got to around March and I began to go back to driving lessons but getting to school was still a great problem. I struggled to step inside the building without feeling really ill and exhausted. Many people hate school and find it boring, but if I could've just gone to school with ease it would've been such an achievement.

Around the end of 2013 I began to have counselling and CBT on the NHS, which helped me immensely. I believe I had to be transferred to three different counselors and took some tests to find out that my most severe anxiety is health, followed by social anxiety and panic attacks. As some of you may have read, I left therapy in May 2014, which was an amazing feeling.

In February 2014 when my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts were at their worst, I began to take a medication called Citalopram thanks to my Mum and I now never look back. After waiting a few weeks for the medication to work, I woke up one to day to feel a change that I can only describe to be a miracle.

Since that time I have now had two part time jobs, graduated from university with first class honours and am now doing my dream job in the emergency services. I am still on medication and continuing to battle my anxiety. Panic attacks are few and far between and I'm currently seeing a counsellor, which does help. I still experience bouts of depression and anxiety, but I'd go as far to say that I am almost recovered. Looking back now, I was once in hell - a place where I had no capabilities to enjoy any aspect of my life, and now I have moved out and am living independently - a day I never thought I would ever see. 

I hope this brief overview of my anxiety story so far, has helped you to come to terms with your own. 

What help is available? Extra Support

Here are just a few extra tips to help you if you feel you are suffering with a mental illness, such as anxiety.

1. Friends and Family
It's always great to have someone to talk to if you feel you are suffering from a mental illness. One of the best ways you can handle the situation is to talk and The Time to Change campaign gives tips on how to start a conversation about mental illness. 

I'm sure you will be surprised by the response of your family and friends - in a positive way, just like I was. I know it can be extremely hard to talk about it, however I would really advise you to start the conversation which will change your life and get you onto the road to recovery. Many people are reluctant to speak about their issues which can be problematic. I don't know your family or situation - you may not feel close to them, or don't feel you can trust them. I'd still advise to find just one person in your life, whether that be your Mum, Dad, Sister, Brother, Grandparent, Auntie, Uncle, Cousin, Friend or even someone working for a charity.

2. YouTube
The internet is such a widespread recourse and we tend to use it in everyday life. While I was suffering from my mental breakdown and anxiety a few months ago and even now, YouTube has been a great support. At the time I was going through therapy and I thought I was the only one to ever suffer from anxiety, however I went on YouTube and just happened to find others who are just like myself.


Please, please talk to someone about your mental illness. I cannot stress it enough. After you've spoken to someone about it; whether that be a friend, family member or charity worker you have already started on your way to recovery. Then you can go to the GP who will be able to put you into the right direction to help you on your way.

"It seems impossible until it's done"

What help is available? Health Services

If you feel like you are suffering with a mental illness your first port of call should be your Doctor/GP. They should be able to put you into the right direction, whether that be counselling, medication or another department.

1. Your GP/Doctor
Your GP covers a wide range of topics when regarding mental illness, so I will try to make it simple. If you are having problems in regards to your mental health, whether that be depression/anxiety or any other mental illness, you can go to your GP. Don't be hesitant to discuss it with your GP, I did and it really was my first step on the way to recovery. I know it can be scary, especially if you get extremely anxious or embarrassed, but just think of the improvements you will make. You may find that the first doctor you see doesn't understand and it's important not to stop there. See as many different doctors as you need to get help.

2. Counselling/Therapy:
Out of everything I will ever mention on this blog, counselling is the most important step. This list below mentions some of the counselling services I know of and/or have gone through:

A) Private Sector - This can be somewhat costly and can take a long time to search for a private counsellor or hypnotherapist. However if you are in desperate need, then this is what you should go for. I was put on a waiting list for an NHS mental health service, which I was on for 7 months. Because I was in such desperate need, I had to go private. I saw a hypnotherapist where it was half talking about my feelings and how I was doing with certain aspects of my anxiety and the other half was relaxing and what is known as 'hypnotherapy'. This is where your hypnotherapist will read specific things to try and make your brain relax/clear/feel a different way about a situation. It's really not as bad as you think. 

B) NHS Mental Health services - Through my own experience, this is by far a much more meaty type of counselling and really worked for me. I think each area of the UK will offer different kinds of services, so you will have to do some research to find out. In my first session I was assessed with anxiety and depression charters and my therapist decided based on my condition which method was right for me.

C) CAMHS - This is only available in certain areas of the UK, but it's known to be a great and helpful service for people suffering with emotional and behavioural issues. This is a service which again can help you, but I do not have any experience with.

There are many other services out there, but your GP will be the most informative with this topic.

3. Medication
Medication is another option in helping with your health. Doctors seem to try therapy and other methods first before medication. However if you feel you are in desperate need of it because therapy isn't helping or you feel you need it in conjunction, then you should go to your doctors to discuss your situation. There is a range of medication out there to deal with anxiety/depression and not all of them will work for you. You may need to try a few before it really works. Your Doctor/GP is the best person to talk to and will advise you about what to do.

Recovery is also based upon you. Recovery is extremely hard and there is no denying it. Counselling/therapy and other methods takes will power and can be very hard when you are in a situation like this, however time will pass and you will get there.

Good luck and best wishes,