The end?

What a difficult few years it's been, but I can proudly say that I've gotten into university to study Law; which has been my lifelong ambition.

If you have read my blog post about my struggles with school, you'll know that I've missed around a year of my A-levels. But, I was still extremely determined to get the grades in order to get to university. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten into my first choice university as I didn't get the grades and they weren't going to give any leeway either. And as much as I wanted to go to that uni (a lot!) I still managed to get my insurance choice, so it's still somewhere I'd like to go.

I was absolutely devastated when I found that I didn't get into my first choice university, devastated. And at the time, it wasn't confirmed that I was into my insurance choice either, so I was very lost and angry at myself. I don't think the outcome would have mattered as much to me, if I had been at school full time without any troubles with my mental health. But these last few years and my battle with anxiety has been absolute hell; taking away my education and opportunities. Everything I loved became everything I lost. I worked so hard to even step inside the school gates and to keep on going, and not doing as well as I hoped, was destroying.

But, what I must take from this is a greater sense of self worth. I managed to get into university, which a few months back would've been impossible, let alone taking my A-levels. It would've been completely out of the question. I am disappointed, but I must be proud of the fact that I can say that I couldn't have worked any harder and that these are my results at the end of it. If I didn't work as a hard, I wouldn't be where I am. I must put into retrospect that my grades are good considering my attendance. Not only that, but I mustn't be as hard on myself; not everyone can be the best all of the time. I've always been seen as a "bright" and hard working student, and as my anxiety got hold, my grades began to drop and I began to lose the very thing I was really passionate about; making me feel stupid. As hard as that is, I am where I am and I am who I am. No matter what the hardships, I know my triumphs and that is what I must hold dear, no matter of others opinions. At the end of the day, life doesn't always go to plan and you may feel you haven't got the justice you deserve, but it's something you have to grow with and sometimes that may be for the better. 

It's time to begin the next chapter of my life. I am both excited and terrified. I hope you will all follow the journey with me!

(And would you believe it, I'm currently writing this blog post whilst travelling on a train by myself! Who would have thought it?!)

Finally, If you're going through a severely difficult time, keep going. I was so distraught, but I held on and now I'm here. Something I would never have thought possible. I have been where you've been and I know what it's like. It can get better.

I'm proud of you!

Best wishes,

My year in review 2013!

I know we've still got a few weeks to go until the end of December and the beginning of 2014, but because it's going to be a busy time of celebration, now seems like a good option to reflect on the past year.

This time last year, it was 2012 and the end of what I regard as the best year of my life so far. The end of 2012 however, was a bit harder as my anxiety slowly began to creep in more and more. 2013 arrived and as many of you may have read, I had a breakdown in January where I've had to rebuild my life from the very beginning. Blood tests and mostly doctors appointments have been main parts of my life this year and almost twelve months later, it has brought me here. Thinking about this makes me feel sick to my stomach of frustration and sadness over how much I've missed in the past year or so. It's safe to it's been one hell of year in more ways than one.

On the plus side, even though this year has been a struggle, I have had a few good moments and it's important to remember these. Amongst a few highlights are my AS level results and university offers. At the beginning of the year, when I couldn't face school, many people said that I wouldn't do so well at school due my lack of attendance. But, I was so determined. I was not going to fail and I was not going to give in. The determination to succeed was so huge and the crippling anxiety was just what encouraged me further. I was not going to let my anxiety defeat me, even though I have had many moments in this year where I've thought the only way to survive, was to quit school. I spent many months revising and teaching myself in preparation for the exams, and I surprised myself and many others as a result. I've also learnt about myself more than ever this year and it's helped me to understand more about the philosophy of the world. If this is to teach you and I anything, it is that if you work hard you can reap the rewards and have faith in yourself that you can achieve. 

In terms of my family, friends and teachers - these are the people I am incredibly grateful for. Without them, I have no clue where I'd be now. They've kept me going. They have been so supportive. It sounds very cliche, but this year has shown me who my true friends are and I cherish them. Remember, talking is the most important thing you can do to get on the road to recovery. I can't thank everyone enough. I hope these people realise how important they are to me!

Looking back, I know this has been an extremely hard year; because of not having the ability do what I love and this is something I'm still battling, so that one day I can live a full life. It's true to say that many will only understand if you've experienced it. There have been many times when I could've given up, but I managed to hold onto the knowledge that I will get through this and that there are better things to come. I know there are times when you can feel as one of my teachers put it "just holding on", but you can do it and you will get there. 

How was your year in review? Let me know! 

Merry Christmas! or as it is said in German; Froehliche Weihnachten!,