I've left school

Friday was my last official day at school.14 years of education has finally come to an end and it's the strangest thing.

For those of you who've read my post on school, you'll know that I've had severe struggles with it. Who would have thought I'd ever be writing a post about leaving school at the end of an academic year, rather than writing a post about leaving because my condition meant I had to. I guess it's an accomplishment! But, it's still weird to think i'll no longer be looking out of my bedroom window (unless I fail & have to retake!) hoping that one day I'd be able to make it to school, just like any other person. It's the weirdest thing and I almost can't explain it. I spent days in turmoil because I couldn't get to school and all of these past two years trying really hard to get into school. Only recently has it become easier, but just when I'm getting used to it, it's time to leave. 

14 years is a very long time and it's difficult to write about it in so little words. I suppose I could say that I've learnt a lot, I've grown as a person, there have been awful times, but there have been brilliant times and all of it I will never forget. I know I've missed a lot over these last few years, whether that be making memories or learning in lessons and even though it's painful to think of it, I know that I've got memories that I can cherish.

Best Blogger Award!

I will never forget my teachers either and it's true to say that most people don't. Over these past couple of years especially, I have seen how much effort is put into keeping the school running and students going and I am extremely grateful. My teachers have been amazing and I'll never forget the support they've put in place to help me through some extremely difficult times. They, alongside my family and friends have kept me going.

If you follow me on twitter, you'll know I tweeted about the 'best blogger award'. Friday was our leaving assembly and as part of it, various people were given awards. A few months ago, my teachers found my blog and thus the award was given for blog writing, helping others and recognising my general struggle. I really appreciate the thought.

I suppose it's time to conclude this post. Well, It's come to the end of an era and it hasn't quite sunk in yet. I'll never have another lunchtime at school or a lesson, but as sad as it is and as fast as time is going by, this is the end of another chapter which I know I can revisit. It's so strange, as I remember the first time I met one of my teachers when I was 5 like it was yesterday. I'm 18 now and I'm wondering where all of the time has gone; It goes so incredibly fast.

If there's one thing left to write, it's that "life is short" and It does sound cliche, but it's true. Time is incredibly precious and it's stops for no man. I hope that you spend it wisely and do what makes you happy. If you find yourself in a difficult place at the moment, whether that's in terms of mental health or not, please keep going. I know you feel time is passing you by and you have lack of control, but you will get there in the end. I spent many a day thinking that the only way to survive was to quit school, but I held on and I'm here now at the other side. It's true to say, I'd never thought I'd see the day.

Thank you to everyone who has played a part in keeping me going over these past few years throughout school - you know who you are! It has been an extremely hard and without the support, I don't know where I'd be. It's true - people really do leave an impact on your life and it's important to cherish them.

Until next time,

Mental health in academia

For many of you, your exams are fastly approaching; including mine. For others of you, you may be about to face a challenge in your life. Which ever it is, this will be a very important time where your mental health needs to be considered.

Recently I read a very important article on academia and mental health specifically focusing on those who are studying for PHD's; you can read this article here. Although it's not surprising to me that mental health seems to be affected around exam time, the article still managed to shock me. There were students who had eating disorders, suicidal thoughts and who were battling depression due to their academics. I know from experience that it's not unusual for a student to put their exams above their mental health, but it is an issue we all need to consider and is sadly often avoided. 

When seeing the sacrifices students face written down, it brings the issue to the forefront. The article notes how some students quit their PHD without finishing, or feel so much pressure that the only way to escape is to commit suicide, and unfortunately some do as a result. This too can be applied to all areas of education. I am currently studying for my A-levels and it's true to say that many of my peers and myself included are beginning to feel the stress. Often, you can get so overwhelmed with your exams and feel so trapped because of the pressure.

Mental health in academia is very rarely addressed in open discussion and this can apply to work too. Let's just remember that one in four of us will experience a mental health condition in any one year; it's common! In my experience throughout education, my school and teachers have been amazing in helping me with any troubles I may face and I cannot thank them enough. However, I know some people aren't as fortunate.

Let me reassure you, there are so many people out there who are willing to support you and there are so many people that have felt the way that you do about your exams and the challenges they are facing and have survived. 'Survived' seems a word that exaggerates the situation, but unfortunately it doesn't. To get through being suicidal or having suicidal thoughts and to come out of the other side is something that you have battled through.

Because these feelings cannot be seen and because mental illness is hidden, too often we find ourselves oblivious. But, you'd be so surprised at how many people need a helping hand and are feeling the pressure just like you are. Asking someone how they're doing now and then is a step in the right direction for better mental health.

One final point is based upon this quote written in the article:

"It is not OK for PhD students to become so affected by their studies that they kill themselves.

It is not OK for PhD students to maintain the culture of working yourself to the point of illness.

It is not OK for academics to wash their hands of the situation."

I will tell you exactly the same. Whether it be your GCSE's, A-levels, Degree or any other challenge, it is not okay for someone to suffer so much that they feel they can no longer cope. Unfortunately this is too often the case and closer to home than we think. 

I want to reassure you that this will come and pass. I know that in the future many say that these problems won't seem as big as they once were, but for you at this time in your life it is the main issue your life surrounds. I remember my GCSE's and felt overwhelming pressure. But the important thing is, that I and many of my peers managed to get through it. Please, it is really important to find someone to talk to if you are feeling stressed, regardless of exams. Whether that be your teachers, your family, friends or a charity. People are willing to help you and talking was the best thing I ever did.

I wish all the best with what challenges you are facing at the moment. As mentioned in my assembly this morning "whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." - you can do it! You can only do your best and I wish you good luck. Remember, talk to someone if you're feeling stressed and most importantly, look after your mental health. 

I'll leave you with this video:

I hope this has helped some of you and by sharing this post, you will be helping others and raising awareness of mental health in academia. 

Best Wishes,

My year in review 2013!

I know we've still got a few weeks to go until the end of December and the beginning of 2014, but because it's going to be a busy time of celebration, now seems like a good option to reflect on the past year.

This time last year, it was 2012 and the end of what I regard as the best year of my life so far. The end of 2012 however, was a bit harder as my anxiety slowly began to creep in more and more. 2013 arrived and as many of you may have read, I had a breakdown in January where I've had to rebuild my life from the very beginning. Blood tests and mostly doctors appointments have been main parts of my life this year and almost twelve months later, it has brought me here. Thinking about this makes me feel sick to my stomach of frustration and sadness over how much I've missed in the past year or so. It's safe to it's been one hell of year in more ways than one.

On the plus side, even though this year has been a struggle, I have had a few good moments and it's important to remember these. Amongst a few highlights are my AS level results and university offers. At the beginning of the year, when I couldn't face school, many people said that I wouldn't do so well at school due my lack of attendance. But, I was so determined. I was not going to fail and I was not going to give in. The determination to succeed was so huge and the crippling anxiety was just what encouraged me further. I was not going to let my anxiety defeat me, even though I have had many moments in this year where I've thought the only way to survive, was to quit school. I spent many months revising and teaching myself in preparation for the exams, and I surprised myself and many others as a result. I've also learnt about myself more than ever this year and it's helped me to understand more about the philosophy of the world. If this is to teach you and I anything, it is that if you work hard you can reap the rewards and have faith in yourself that you can achieve. 

In terms of my family, friends and teachers - these are the people I am incredibly grateful for. Without them, I have no clue where I'd be now. They've kept me going. They have been so supportive. It sounds very cliche, but this year has shown me who my true friends are and I cherish them. Remember, talking is the most important thing you can do to get on the road to recovery. I can't thank everyone enough. I hope these people realise how important they are to me!

Looking back, I know this has been an extremely hard year; because of not having the ability do what I love and this is something I'm still battling, so that one day I can live a full life. It's true to say that many will only understand if you've experienced it. There have been many times when I could've given up, but I managed to hold onto the knowledge that I will get through this and that there are better things to come. I know there are times when you can feel as one of my teachers put it "just holding on", but you can do it and you will get there. 

How was your year in review? Let me know! 

Merry Christmas! or as it is said in German; Froehliche Weihnachten!,