A diary of anxiety
Sometimes it will be present in your sleep. Your body will be preparing for the day ahead with the flight or fight response. This means one of two things; either interrupted sleep, or feeling tired when waking up. From the moment you wake, anxiety takes action with adrenaline rushing through your veins. You wake up everyday feeling ill because your body has heightened anxiety due to the daily tasks you have to complete, such as going to school or catching public transport.
You've put up with this anxiety for a long time now and it's tiring. You feel ill when you wake, so you don't feel like doing much. You don't feel like putting makeup on or putting more effort into the way you dress. You can only eat little, because your anxiety is just too bad and you're always exhausted. You just want to stay in a safe place, where you can be calm for a while. For many people; this is home.
Your anxiety is so crippling and disabling that it stops you from doing anything that you love. You get heightened anxiety any time you try to attempt to do something, which often ends in a panic attack or avoidance. As a result, you end up staying at home; again. Everything in your life is constant battle with your brain. You struggle and often avoid school, public transport, driving lessons, getting a job, joining a club and speaking in front of class.
You try with every inch of your body and all of your might, to complete a simple task as to catch a bus, but it often results in hours of emotional and physical pain and angst about the thought.
You're always told not to compare yourself to others but sometimes you can't help but notice the people around you. When you see other people your age with jobs, going to school without a second thought and driving, you can't help but feel a little bit hopeless.
It's all well and good saying that you are in control of your destiny, but when it seems you have a great brick wall in front of your every step, your legs are heavy and you feel like you're wading through thick mud, it's extremely hard to believe. But then you wake up one morning feeling okay and this is a very rare occasion but you're feeling good. You manage to overcome some of your fears and at the end of the day you feel ecstatic. You know that this is a taste of what life should be and could be like. You feel as if you've crawled out of this deep dark hole and seen the light. You know recovery isn't going to be easy, but it's the good days you've got to hold on to. You know that even if the crippling anxiety comes back the next day, you've experienced some sort relief.
