It gets better

If you told me on the day that I couldn't leave the house, that I was to move up country and to become independent, I would have thought you were out of your mind. Because back then when my legs wouldn't even allow me to walk towards the front door, when I couldn't even step inside my therapists' office without completely losing control, and seventeen year old Amy had to start from the very beginning, the possibility of even living a full life seemed a day that I would never be able to experience. 

But what I didn't realise, was that as time went on I would slowly improve. With hours of counselling, CBT and medication, I would slowly be rebuilding my life. I would slowly begin to leave the house and walk to the shop at the end of the road. I would be able to catch public transport with friends, then alone, then without panic attacks. The ability to ask for something would become easier and going to the doctors wouldn't be as scary. Getting on a train and taxi by myself, would be something that I could cope with and going to school would eventually be something I could just about handle. My opportunities would grow alongside my achievements and after years I would be able live some sort of a life.

Right now, is a day I never ever thought I'd see, but only only ever dream of. When depression and anxiety were eating me up, I didn't see there ever being a way out. I just want you to understand that you can get there. It's not easy and you may not take any notice of this, because I know I would have thought that it would have been impossible for any of this to ever happen. But it does get better. I am slowly getting there, even though I once thought there was no point in living a life in such a way. But, I've figured after all of this that although this journey takes away opportunities, it gives you so much that you can learn from.

Please keep going,
Amy Xx

A new chapter

I am officially a Law undergraduate; it's strange to hear myself say these words.

I have really been enjoying university so far. It's a world away from home and I'm glad I made the move. I'd be lying if I said anxiety isn't  something I have to cope with on a daily basis, but I'm hoping to continue to tackle it before it becomes too much of a problem in my every day life at university. On the other hand, I have met many different people from all walks of life. I have found that some of these have been through similar issues that I have, which still surprises me, even though one in four experience problems with their mental health in any one year. I'm lucky to have met people who are as understanding.

Meeting new people has meant I was out almost every night for freshers. Although it was somewhat out of my comfort zone, I found a good group of people I could and can have a good time with. It just shows that stepping outside of your comfort zone is something we should all try once in a while. Cooking is still something I am getting used to and I'm sure that I'll get there eventually. But, for the moment I reckon I'm a long way from being the next winner of Masterchef! 

It's been over a month since moving out and yet it feels longer. I already feel I have embraced my independence. Taxis and buses, food shopping, budgeting, cleaning, joining societies and going to see a new doctor are all a main part of my life now. I didn't think I'd ever be able to get my independence back, but I have. I hope that from reading the beginning of my story of anxiety, to reading where I am now will give you hope. 
Once, the sheer thought of getting in a taxi would send panic through my body and stop me from moving and yet, I can now get in a taxi by myself. I know that it can seem that you'll never recover and you'll never be able to do the things you love; I have been there. But, you will get there over time, you just have to ride the wave with the knowledge that there is light at the end. Never be ashamed of your journey; you're not alone. 

I will keep you updated with my university journey and I hope to be back into a blogging routine very soon. Feel free to ask me any questions about my recent move! You can do more than your mind thinks you can.

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx