It all comes out in the wash

I can just her my Mother's words ringing in my ears; "It all comes out in the wash" and I guess it does. Right now I have just finished university and for the first time in my life I don't have a set plan. Because of my anxiety, I like to be sure that everything is in control and so I know what to expect, but currently I only have a very loose plan! 

At the moment I am taking it day by day and slowly forging my future. It's hard because I feel that I'm in a race against time, knowing how fast life can pass you by. But at the same time not everything can be achieved in an instant and things can take time. 

Looking back at my mental health journey, it has been extremely tough and still can be. But focusing on the present, it's strange to see how everything has come together. It's almost as if Mum was right to say that "everything comes out in the wash". Even though I can still get panic attacks, anxiety and depression, I am a world away from the severity that it once was many years ago. At that time I didn't think that I would live to see the next day, let alone ever get better and yet years later I am in a much better place and achieving the things that I want to, even if I do find it harder than others. It's almost as if it's beginning to come out in the wash. Now after university I am in a place of uncertainty and it is scary because for the first time ever I don't have a set plan. But just like my mental health journey, I'm hoping with hard work, help and determination it will all fall into place. I'm not expecting it to be easy or straightforward but it can just happen that things we never think we are going to get through or aren't working out, may do just that. It's about taking things day by day and looking at how much you have already achieved. It will come together in one way or another.

Amy Xx

The cure for your anxiety?

Throughout my mental health journey I have always credited CBT to be a huge help. CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy where you are exposed to situations which trigger your anxiety. It sounds scary I know, but it's not as bad as you think. Usually with CBT you start small, with the things that trigger your anxiety the least and as you move on you get to the things that trigger your anxiety the most. By facing your anxiety head on your mind learns that there isn't a threat there at all and soon learns a new positive behaviour. It does take willpower, but it is definitely something you are capable of! You may not be able to complete the task first of all but you will get there.

Recently I have come across an app called nOCD whom contacted me to highlight their new app and asked to collaborate with me. I downloaded the app and have given it a go myself. In comparison to therapy in which I had CBT, it is pretty much the same thing but without a counsellor being there. I think if you are finding it hard to talk to someone and/or need something to help your anxiety then this app is definitely something you can try. I know I wish it was around when I was having therapy and struggling with my anxiety. It's free to download, so you're not losing anything by just giving it a go. You can download the app free to your phone, here;

I hope it helps you. If there's just a small chance it may help, then why not give it a try? I know CBT really helped me, so I hope this app can help your anxiety and/or OCD too. Below is an example of how I have used the app!

Amy Xx

#spon #ad

The new additions

Pets have always been a soother for the soul and if you have been following me on social media recently, you will know that I have gotten some pet rats; RJ and Remmy. I did have a pet rat before around ten years ago, at a time when life was tough. It was one of the main things that got me through. I don't know how or why, she just did. With my love of pet rats still strong (and all other animals, but I can't get a dog just yet!) I thought it was time to get some more. Many people are horrified of the thought, but in reality domesticated rats are clean, loving and intelligent and make great pets. I feel they also do wonders for my mental health because it provides a purpose to look after something else other than myself and are just generally therapeutic. It sounds weird because they can't talk and yet they seem to provide some peace in the mind. 

With this, here are some introductory pictures. Do you have pets or animals that help you?

Amy Xx

A mental health sick day?

Don't you find it weird that you can phone into work and say that you can't come in for a broken leg and it will be accepted and yet you can phone up about your medically diagnosed depression and it could be brushed under the carpet even though the outcome is the same; that you can't get out of bed? 

In my previous job I did phone in sick because of my mental illness (that wasn't before I had a massive panic attack about opening up about my illness!) But I thought that if I didn't explain it then I wouldn't be able let them know if I was ill at any point in the future and so I did. After this explanation of mine, my past employers were very good and I felt less pressure which provided less triggers and meant I didn't take another sick day. But, it was my employer that told my colleagues that it was a cold when in fact it was crippling anxiety and depression and from that point, I put my colleagues straight and explained to them exactly what was going on and in turn, they reached out to me. I thought to myself that if I was to live a healthy life I am to tell those whom I work for the truth, and if they don't want to know, either I don't need that in my life or in some circumstances, it could be breaking the law and with a law degree, it is certainty a passion of mine to uphold the rights of people. 

In my latest job, my employers have also been very good and understanding.

The problem still remains is that even though I have told people of my illness and have no issue of it being known, I still have concerns about phoning in sick due to my mental health. I still feel this shame that people don't see it in the same light and I won't be believed or that it's not a real reason, when we all know that it really is. I am totally all for having sick days for mental health and in fact, it is a legitimate reason but there is a stigma which makes it appear that it's not right. What must be understood is that there are laws, there is happiness and there is health. There are laws to protect us, our understanding that our happiness must come first and our health, that we must not compromise just because another person doesn't understand. You have every right to take a sick day for your mental health and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I have done it before and I am willing to do it again. Nothing should stop you from living a healthy and happy life, regardless of the stigma that surrounds it and this is something I am campaigning for and allowing myself to be more comfortable with. Without mental health, there is no physical health.

Amy X

The bubble

University is real life, but it's also only exposing you to a certain side of it. Although you can experience the darkness that life has to offer, it just doesn't have the same tinge to it as it does outside of the university bubble; I guess this is the post university blues. At university if you're lucky, you have three years of studying a subject you love, meeting new people, trying new things and not having to worry too much about money or finding a job. The real world is another three years away and it's not something that you need to concern yourself with. You know that in one way or another, your parents, friends or the university itself will have your back. Whether that be problems with rent, exams or friends, there's always an immediate fallback. Although it doesn't feel like this at the time and you do feel solely independent, the university was always involved in some way or another, whether that be grants, exams, events or renting out the house you were staying in, unless you went private. Even so there would be a university service to help you with that. This isn't to say without a university that there is no organisation out there to help, because there is. But perhaps it's not as immediately accessible and you didn't always have them watching over you.

Now that I've finished university, I am beginning to realise that I am not in a bubble anymore and it's a pretty hard lesson to learn when you've acclimatised to something for three years. I no longer get grants from the government, live with my friends, or only have to worry about my upcoming exam. I  now have to get a job to pay the bills, am back living with my parents away from all of my university friends and worrying about what I am to do next in my life. University almost felt like a euphoric side of life in which I would still have extremely bad moments, but it's nothing that couldn't be solved and now it almost seems like I'm on my own again. I know I have my family and friends to rely on, but I don't have a big organisation to protect my back. I no longer have a three year break to figure out my future, but am now thrusted into the middle of it, working to buy more time to figure out which direction I'm going in.

I guess I feel like this as intensely as I do because I have almost been ripped away from everything I've known for three years and have almost lost my independence because I'm back living at home in the place where everything went wrong. But, I know I haven't gone backwards because I have still achieved everything I have and that can't be taken away from me. But, what I do feel is young and trapped because I feel I am not developing and that is only something that I can change, and am changing over the next few months; to moving and becoming independent again and to applying to my dream job. It will just take time. There is nothing to say that I can't feel the way I did at university ever again, I just need to set the wheels in motion to make it happen, and with time and being as determined as I am, I'm sure I can. University will always be a fond memory, but there is nothing to say that I can't experience the feelings that university gave me, ever again.

Amy Xx

I graduated!

After finding out a few weeks ago that I would be graduating with first class honours in Law, I knew that it wouldn't be long until graduation weekend came around. The strange thing is that it has all happened in a blink of an eye. Literally, blink and you'll miss it. I remember my first day of university and feeling like a small fish in a big pond and that the thought of graduation was so long away. Right now though, it almost feels as if my university experience has been blurred into one big momentous memory. It was the time of my life and I don't regret it all, I'm just sad that it's over and that it seemed to last merely seconds. 

When graduation came around, I couldn't quite believe that the day was finally here. I registered and ran into all of my course mates, friends and lecturers that I had spent time with one way or another over the years. I proceeded to collect my robes and had endless photos. In those moments though, it all felt surreal. It was the weirdest feeling because I was feeling a mix of emotions; both happy and sad, excited and nervous. But what scared me the most was the fact that I knew this day would never come again and I was finally living the dream that I had always wanted to achieve. I attended the ceremony which was very formal and full of university tradition. We had the head of our Law school, a high court judge read out our names with all of our family, friends and fellow graduates onlooking and to whom we gave huge applause for the support they had given us over the years. As quickly as the lecturers, sheriffs, chancellors and students went up on the stage, it was the end of the ceremony. I even combatted one of my biggest fears of being on stage which soon became a moment of happiness. It's definitely a day I won't be forgetting. 

I am no longer a student but an alumni of the university, which is weird to say because I still feel 17 years old. I can't really put into words how it felt, but for all of you who have graduated, you will know what I mean! An amazing three years, with amazing people. It has changed me as a person and I will miss it dearly. I am extremely proud of what I have achieved and I will hold on to the bundle of emotions of graduation day for the rest of my days. I will always be fond of those and hold it close to my heart. 

You are stronger than you think and can 
achieve anything you put your mind to. 

I've Made It (First Class Honours!)

If you told me five years ago that I would be sat here with a First Class honours Law degree, I would have dismissed it because five years ago I couldn't leave the house, go to school or even talk to anyone outside of my home. These last three years I have spent studying at university away from home and it has been the best decision of my life so far. I have met some incredible people and had unforgettable experiences which will always stay with me and at the end of all of this I have come out with an amazing result. I am extremely proud of myself and this is something I don't often say because I have always been modest and have kept any self-gratification at the bottom of the pile. However I can honestly say that I am extremely proud because not only does this represent the hard work I have put into my degree, but it recognises my achievements that I have in regards to my mental health journey. 

During my A-levels I hardly went to school because my mental health was so bad, so I had to teach myself and I came out with grades that were lower than predicted and during that time I was still struggling with leaving the house, catching buses and talking to people amongst a myriad of other things. At the moment I got my results I was disappointed but as I look back now, my results were not as bad as I thought at the time. In that moment I decided to still go to university and that was the step forward that changed my future. During and before this time, I had put so much effort into making myself better, whether that be getting doctors to listen to me, getting counselling from different people, doing things out of my comfort zone or taking medication. But, it all really kicked off from that moment forward. 

With a lot of hard work, help with medication and counselling I managed to make university a positive and enjoyable experience and one that I would quite happily repeat. Of course there were some down moments as there is when you struggle with mental health, let alone the other issues you may face at university, but the majority of my time there has been amazing. 

My degree represents so much more than what it is. It represents me overcoming the challenges that my mental health gave me and moving on from the trauma I had faced in the past and at home. It's shown me my strength and determination. It's also proven to me that against all odds, you can get to where you want to and that even in the darkest of times when you have no hope left and you just cannot face the hell that surrounds you, just holding on and persevering can make all of the difference. I know that if I can do it, so can you. 

I also just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has supported me on my journey. Without you, I wouldn't be here today, let alone getting first class honours.

It's now time to celebrate and get my cap and gown ready for graduation!

Show the world what you're made of.

Amy xx 

My YouTube!

As you may or may not know I've taken the next step and started a YouTube channel to go alongside my blog. I have been writing this blog for around four years now so I felt it to be the next natural step in the progression. By the time this post is published, I will have had my Youtube for around 2-3 months.

As to content on my channel, it's all related to mental health and lifestyle in the form of short films. If you think that this will interest you, then please do subscribe. In the meantime, here are a few of my videos below:

Don't forget to subscribe!
Amy X

What's going to happen when I see my Doctor?

I've had a lot of people ask me what will happen if they were to go and see their doctor about their mental health and the honest answer is that there is no set outcome that I can promise. But there are certain things that they will (hopefully) do if you go.

First of all, I strongly suggest going to see your doctor if you're struggling as they are in the best place to help you with remedies for your condition. I'll be honest in saying that not all doctors will understand nor are they trained in depth about mental health (this is something I'll rant about another timet) but please don't let this stop you from seeing a professional as there will be one out there who understands. It's about perseverance and unfortunately that is just the way it is at the moment. In my personal experience it was my third doctor that finally really understood me. Of course I was extremely disheartened and angry that I was not being understood, but I wasn't going to let it put me off because I knew I had to get better in whichever way I knew how. 

My experience of my GP probably won't be the same as you, but I can impart what I experienced as I'm sure they all have to follow a similar procedure. When you get into the consultation room, they will ask you what the problem is as per any other consultation at the doctors, it's up to you to tell them what's wrong. Now, I know this is hard but you've really got to try and explain to them the extent of your problems and if that's too hard you could always write it down before hand and give it to the doctor when you get into the consultation room. From what I remember I got asked the usual questions in relation to symptoms and anxiety and depression and a lot of the time I had to fill in a questionnaire or scale determining my severity of anxiety and depression. I didn't get given mediation on the first instance, and in my eyes that was better as it led me to try everything but before I had to resort to it as my last choice. I had a rather unsuccessful first time going to the doctors about my mental health, but in reality they will hopefully either ask you to come back in a few weeks, or give you guidance to counselling or medication or something on these lines. 

Please, please don't put off going to see the doctors as it could be so important to you. I know you may be scared but it's key to get you better as soon as possible. Thousands of people are and have been going through it. Remember that a doctor is just like you, a human! and as 1/4 have a mental health condition in any one year, your doctor could be having their own battles. 

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx

Journal #3 22nd October 2014

Journal entry number three. Please don't read if you feel this may be triggering. 

Wednesday 22nd October 2014

"As far as we're aware, we only get one life. Supposedly this means I should do whatever I can put my mind to, but it's never that easy. Aside from the cliche, the thought of having so much life and killing it makes me sad. In this world we all have choices which can change our destiny; choices which shape the gift of life. Because that's what life is, a gift, which can be taken away just like the popping of a balloon. It's fragile and too often I feel people can forget, myself included when i'm at the depths of my illness. But Death may be just around the corner and yet people still decide to take damaging risks with their life. What we must understand is that although life can be the darkest hell we have ever seen, it can also be the most beautiful thing ever to experience. I just wish I could show people what life can be and although we never know what's around the corner, I hope I'm not going to look back one day and see sadness in my eyes." 

I wrote this when I was sitting on a bus I believe. I was observing all of the different people we drove past and ended up writing this passage. I'm not sure that I was the most depressed I had ever been at that point, but I remember that I wasn't the happiest. It must have been a time when I felt hope but also sadness. A time where I was thinking about my future and what I wanted to make from it. I suppose, a realisation that a future from a time of hell was possible. Something that is also possible for you.

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx

Mental illness is a physical illness

Mental illness is often separated from physical illness and thus is often seen to be invisible and not real. But it seems that some fail to recognise that mental illness can give rise to physical symptoms and thus can be under the physical illness umbrella in that sense. 

Anxiety can give rise to physical symptoms that we can feel within ourselves such as tingling and feeling lightheaded alongside the very 'real' fear that we are experiencing. But, they can also present symptoms that people may see from the outside such as sweating, going cold, clammy and shortness of breath. Similarly, depression can lead to looking grey in the face, wearing darker clothing, not sleeping or sleeping too much and eating too little to overeating. For illnesses such as schizophrenia, although only part of it may be the voices that someone hear's in their head, these voices can lead to particular actions in reality which other people can observe. 

What comes from inside our heads which can feel and is very real, can present real physical symptoms on the outside which people can diagnose. They present physical symptoms, just like high blood pressure would or having a broken leg. A doctor could tell you if you were having a panic attack. Yet there are still people out there who fail to believe it's real or to simply get over it, even though physical symptoms are presenting themselves, usually which cannot be controlled. Weirdly enough these kind of statements are not said to someone who has high blood pressure, even though a lot of the time the physical symptoms visible on the outside are limited depending on the severity. 

It's time for people to pay attention to the realness of the situation. Mental illness is always physical, whether it's the symptoms or the fact it affects our reality and it shouldn't be treated any less of that which is on the list of a physical illness. 

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx 

You can handle it.

Recently I've been reading a book which has changed my outlook. A lot of my anxiety has always been fuelled by the fear of failure and embarrassment which makes me avoid certain situations. I get used to being inside my comfort zone and although it has gotten wider over the years, there are still many things that I avoid on a regular basis, which we all know just continues to fuel the anxiety. 

From reading the book, it has taught me that whatever outcome that comes our way, we will handle it. We have done before and we will do again; after all that is how the species has survived. Just think about all of the situations you've been in that haven't gone as you'd planned, such as ordering something on a menu but it being sold out, or being rejected by handled it all and you're still here today. From these experiences, we have built up better resilience to future situations in how we handle them because we learn from our past. Having the knowledge that I can trust myself in any situation, even if it may take a while for me to conquer them, widens my comfort zone and the things I can tackle. Try and keep it in mind that you can conquer any outcome.

If you think about it, we all have preconceived ideas in our heads about how an event is going to play out and yet it will never turn out exactly the way we planned it to and yet we learned to adapt to the situation we are in - and that's the great thing about humans. It's practically built into us for our survival, even if we don't think so on a conscious level.

Let me know in the comments of a time when you handled a situation which you didn't expect.

Best Wishes,
Amy Xx 

Guest post: A new therapy?

What's new in therapy to literally delete your fears?

Let me introduce myself, my name is James Hymers and I work as a fast change therapist helping people become free of whatever is holding them back. I think it's great that mental health is being talked about more and more in the mainstream press, from the Sun to the Times mental health is in the headlines, and on  the TV we can see mental health being talked about too with many sufferers explaining to the nation how they feel on a daily basis and telling their story, this also helps to break down the negative stigma that's been attached to  mental health problems.
I have only one problem with the advice given out by the press and that is that it is so outdated. When we lo
ok at the chosen therapy of the NHS for example it is CBT  it is incredibly hard on the client and takes a very long time, also the success rates are very low with CBT being about 20% that's only one in five clients getting the results they need.
Now I don't mean to sound harsh as anyone who spends time helping others is to be commended I would argue though that there have been a few revolutionary therapies created in the last few years that give amazing results in a much shorter space of time in fact one of the therapies I use can often solve problems in one session in one session !

What is the name of this therapy I hear you ask?   The Havening techniques™ is a revolutionary therapy created by Dr Ronald Ruden  a leading neuroscientist from America. This method is designed to change the brain to de - traumatise the memory and remove it's negative effect from both our psyche and body.The therapy uses the application of touch to change the way memories are stored and remembered and disconnects negative emotions from these traumatic memories, once the negative emotion is removed you can not see the memory in the the same way as you used to and it can not affect you like it did, this creates an astounding change in behaviour as peoples problems are literally deleted and they can now feel so much better and get back to enjoying their lives.

If you would like to see  this Revolutionary therapy in action and hear what the clients had to say about it, you can watch a short video I had made of myself working with clients here, in it you can see clients before during and after a session of Havening therapy, some have large problems and some small and they all have a great result. I have been working with the Havening techniques™ for about two years now and was in the first fifty people in the world to be qualified and I am still amazed at the results for clients. In fact Havening has been put through clinical trials and had some incredible success rates in fact in one study it came out at 99% effective.

For  more information about Havening take a look at the main website in the USA
and for more information about myself and the therapies I offer take a look at my website

You are not stuck with how you are feeling now, you can become free of your past and create a better future.

James Hymers fast change therapist. Windsor Berkshire

Thanks James for writing this post! Although I found CBT very effective, I understand that it takes a lot of willpower and may not be for everyone. I am always happy to share various different ways to get help and even though I haven't tried these techniques myself, I hope they will help someone. 

Guest post: Ryan

Dear Anxiety,

How quickly you've grown.
I remember your birth. I was confused by your arrival yet my mind accepted you - with no input from me. You were an extrovert in the early stages of life: not present during the day but made sure you were home at night.
My pillow became your pillow, I began sharing the sheets with you, less so because I wanted to and more so because you'd refuse to sleep without me next to you. You were becoming too comfortable and I couldn't figure out how to ask you to leave. An unwelcome stay which turned my home into a prison and my body into its' amusement park.
As you matured your interests broadened - it made time for me difficult to say the least. I would try to sit down for a minute and relax but you'd become hyperactive in times of silence. You'd cry for attention if I ever tried to ignore you. In the unlikely moment of clarity, where the fog of your presence had lifted, I felt whole again. I felt as if I could remember the importance of caring for me without also worrying about your needs.
Your need for me became an unhealthy obsession. Despite you being ever-present in my mind, I never noticed your insatiable appetite for destruction. I always blamed myself for cancelling dinners, re-arranging plans or for not picking up the phone: I was too frightened of what my friends would think of you. I never stopped to realize that you deceived me. Your viscous lies were the catalyst to my downfall but I couldn't let you go. You were so deep-rooted in my flesh, my veins and my thoughts that you and I were no longer two separate entities.
I always put you first. Why didn't you ever take me into consideration?
By this point, nothing else had purpose in my life. You were always around: at work, in the car, in the park and in my bed. It took away all my energy coping with you, day-in and day-out, you were draining me of all that was good. I accepted the fact that my life would never be normal without you in it. I think you knew that too.
I remember the day when I considered talking to somebody about you. Despite your attempts to dissuade me from ever opening my mouth about our time together, I had to take a chance. I wasn't afraid of your temper anymore, I could deal with the repercussions: whatever they may have been.
I let the phrase 'I need help, please, can you help me understand...' leave my lips. It felt like barbed-wire was being pulled from the pit of my stomach, up through my throat, out through my mouth: cutting everything on its way out. You, my dear friend, displayed your anger in full-force that day.
You made sure that my heart raced, so that my words stumbled in hopes that I would lose my breath and succumb to your rage.
I finally knew who my unwanted guest was. It turned out you have many forms and frequently visit other people to make them feel like me.
All this time, you made me feel alone. You made me feel isolated: like I wasn't normal. And just like a rebellious teenager, I began ignoring your instructions, I started fighting back - I believed in myself.

The more I fought back, the more I started enjoying normality, the less power you had over me. I would put myself through excruciating pain by doing all the things you prevented me from doing: you made everything difficult for me, but that didn't matter. Your stay was coming to an end and you fucking knew it.
Over an 18-month period we wrestled nearly every day but I grew stronger after every throw-down. Confidence began to replace the fear in my stomach, my smile began to replace the tears and the separation between us was becoming a reality. I knew that I was worth more and that you were not forever, I determine when you're welcome: not you. Not anymore.
It's funny - as you packed your bags and left - I felt thankful for you. You taught me so much about strength, about appreciating life for what it is and for showing me courage that I never thought I had.
I have no regrets about letting you in, I am not ashamed that I looked for help and I'm proud of the experiences we shared together. Without you, my old friend, I wouldn't be the determined, compassionate and understanding man that I am today.
You visit me far less frequently these days and you often only stay the night. The next time you decide to stay, you'll find this note. A note commending you for your efforts and thanking you for your tremendous ability to bring the best out of me.
I will always speak about you now. I'll make sure more people know about our time together - the good and the bad.
For now, I'll end this note with a thank you. You will be remembered.

Yours sincerely,


5 top tips for starting a blog

1. Blog content - There are many blogs out there that are now talking about much of the same. You want to be able to write about something that you're passionate about and perhaps even something a little different to the rest. Once you've decided your blog content, you'll know what to write about. This isn't to say that you can't change the theme throughout time, but you'll get a specific audience and will find it easier to write. 

2. Schedule - A schedule is important because it means your readers will know when you'll next publish a blog post. However, it's important I think to have quality over quantity and so if you only write a blog post every two weeks, then that shouldn't be a problem. It also keeps you in the rhythm of keeping your blog going, rather than forgetting about it. 

3. Blog ideas - make a list of loads of different titles that you could write about and cherry pick them as the weeks go by. You don't want to come to writing something and be stuck! At the same time, I think it's okay to take a break if the creative juices run dry. 

4. Images - although I think it content is more important, people often love something to look at. So finding images, or even take them yourself might make a differece to whom reads your blog posts. Hopefully I'll be revamping my blog soon to include pictures taken by myself and not just quotes. Similarly, having a blog that is pleasing on the eye can help make things easy to find and will make people want to hang around. 

5. Social media - often blogs won't find their own way out of the blogger sphere, so by having an instagram or twitter, you can grow followers and direct them to your blog. Hopefully they'll become regular readers!

I hope this helps,
Amy Xx

Dear YOU

A letter to you, if you are struggling. It may be triggering, so please don't read if you think it may be.

Dear You,

I am writing this to you because I know you are severely struggling with your mental health and you just can't seem to find the effort to get better. All I want to do is put my arms around you and tell you everything will be okay because I was once in the same place. I had nothing in my life that I wanted to live for and I had no energy to spend on what might be or what could be, but on simply the inhale and exhale of my breath.

I am writing this to you because I too have wanted to die. I too have harmed myself, I too didn't want to let people down anymore and I too didn't see the point in living. But I also am here writing this for a more important reason than to just to relate our pasts together, but to explain to you a future because not every illness of the mind is the same, but the outcome can always be changed in some way and somehow.

I am writing this to you because I know that you also can make it to a better place, to a better life and time where the sun shines brightly through your window and the breeze flows through your hair when breathing is second nature. I once felt that when reading something like this, it didn't always change my outlook because my lack of hope at a tomorrow was not something that could be changed through reading words on a page. But, this is why I want these words to stand out like a sunflower amongst roses, like capital letters on a screen, and like blood, sweat and tears on a table. Because I know that this is what it takes to live with these conditons. I know it takes every inch of you and your body to keep going when there is just nothing left to give. But the body is not made to let go easily, it is made to survive. When we get cut, we heal over and when our mind is unbalanced, our body will fight to understand the truth. These words might just be another empty page to you, but I hope you will take every letter and hold onto them like your heart tries to keep beating because if I could be there in person to tell you that you do have the strength and capability to have a life worth living, and be by your side, I would.

For now I just pray that the words resinate. I hope you feel the truth that I speak of and the stories I tell, and that you too can come from a place of pain, to a place of happiness. It's not going to be easy. It is going to take a lot of willpower, which I understand you feel you may not have. But, deep down, we all do. I know that I surprised myself that I am still here in flesh and blood, today. It's going to take time to find the right person to listen to you, but don't give up because you'll find the fitting piece and jigsaw will become whole. 

I am writing this to you because I know how important life is, and how important you are to life. I am writing this to you because I know you can get better. I am writing this to you because I know you have the strength to fight and that is why I took the time to write, because life has better days which may just be around the corner.

Amy Xx