The past

The past, in many ways, takes years to perfect. Whether that's moving on, remembering or living. Sometimes it can be just as difficult leaving it, as it is remembering it.

I, quite often as an anxiety sufferer, lived a lot in the past. Looking at how things could and should have been, only to make myself worse off than I already was. It did me no good apart from bring me suffering and pain. Reminding me of all of the times I've missed and the traumas and tragedies I've been through throughout my life. As mentioned in my previous post, no one is a robot and it's completely normal to think about the past with both good and bad in mind, but sometimes it can become too overwhelming and we can let it affect our daily lives.

It's important to remember, that we do not live in the past, nor do we live in the future, but only the present. It's sounds like one of those old cliches, but that's the point; because it's true. What we have right now at this very moment is what's important, not the worrying of the future, which may never happen and certainty not the past, which is something we cannot change. I like to remind myself of alittle quote; "if you can't change it, accept it and if you can change it, then change." We as humans have become very good at adapting to our surroundings no matter how difficult the challenge that lie ahead, and in some ways this quote may be difficult to abide by, but speaks the truth. Through experience, applying this to everyday life, can be like a breath of fresh air.

I know that in life, there are some tragedies and traumas that we will never forget and that may haunts us for years to come, and even affect the present mindset. That's okay, don't beat yourself up about it. However, there comes a time where we have to ask whether it's doing us any good to remind ourselves of such a situation. In a similar way, if we know that a tragedy or trauma is going to be with us for a long time, then in some way we may have to accept that it is something that is going to affect us. I know that a trauma has haunted me for ten years now and it's gotten easier, and i don't think about it as much. But, I have accepted that there will be times, where it will affect my present, and that is something to deal with.

But, please don't let the past rob you of the present. The past is the past and it cannot be changed. It's difficult. It can takes years to get your head around it,  I know. But remember, we only have now. 

Losing yourself

Out the whole mental health journey, I've found losing myself as the hardest part. I am no longer the person that I was because my mental health slowly deteriorated and took away the girl I once was, and this holds a pain that is almost unbearable.

I used to be seen as a bright and hard working student. The 'perfect' student who was always doing well and reaped the rewards from her hard work. But as my anxiety got hold, the grades began to drop and people no longer saw me as this "Mary Poppins". The very thing I took pride in was my education and it was slipping through my hands. As I began to lose my education, I began to lose any lust for life. I stopped driving lessons, seeing my friends and even leaving the house. I was always a person that loved going out and exploring new things, but the worse I got, the harder it became to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. As a child, I was always told that I woke up with a big smile on my face. I always laughed and enjoyed myself. But as depression set in, I couldn't laugh anymore, I couldn't smile and I couldn't see any positivity. I was no longer the smiling and optimistic girl.

Even though it pains me to think about this, looking at this from a stronger standpoint has made me review myself as someone that is in reconstruction. Perhaps, this had to happen for me to come out of my shell and to experience new things. I may never be that person again, but I am slowly improving and I think it's for the better. I am proud and almost somewhat accepting of my journey. I know without the tackling of my anxiety, I would still be the Old Amy, stuck inside her comfort zone and now, I am in a much better place. Even though it is really difficult to tackle the things that scare me and the journey has been hell on earth, I am experiencing and enjoying life like never before, and I know without my anxiety journey, I would still be stuck.

Perhaps, after years of losing myself, I am finally finding myself again; a new version of myself too. 

For anyone else who feels lost, it's important to remember that this is a journey that is making you stronger. You are in it now and rather than anxiety robbing you from what you have, you are beating it with all that you have and you are becoming better from it. I know it's hard, almost undesirably hard. But you can do it.

Best Wishes,