Was I happy with the help?

As many of you will know, the first step on the road to recovery is to talk. This can include going to your doctor, as they should have the best insight to help you on your way. However, this isn't always the case which is sad to hear.

The first step I took was to go to my local GP, which unfortunately wasn't too helpful. Even after the milestone of 2 million people improving their attitudes towards mental health, not all health care professionals are versed in something which affects one in four of the population. If I am correct, there is no legal requirement for GPs to educated on mental health specifically. My GP gave information to counselling services outside of the NHS, which no longer existed. We weren't even aware that there was a counselling service on the NHS, even though the leaflet holding all of the information was right outside the doctor's door.

At that stage, we searched through the internet to find counselling services on the NHS, but sadly the waiting list was very long; something which I could not wait for. Therefore, we searched for private counselling services in my area, to which we ended up paying a high price every week. It was somewhat beneficial, but not enough to help me with my severity of my anxiety. For many, the option of private counselling may not even be possible, which raises concerns for those who really need help. This needs to change.

Finally, after many months of just getting by, I managed to get counselling on the NHS to which I had two different types. Even though the waiting list is super long, the quality of counselling and CBT is outstanding and I cannot thank the people who have helped me, enough. I had two different forms in which I moved through the system, until I was well enough to be discharged. Once I finally got access to the services, my life slowly began to turn around. Alongside this, finally meeting an understanding doctor after years of struggle, meant that I got prescriptive medication which has changed my life. 

Even though we are moving in the right direction towards better mental health, many healthcare professionals are still not trained in such a common illness. This is needed to save lives and I hope as time goes on, this will be possible. Without the important help that people need, it can become fatal. We need more money and more awareness to what affects so many people. Once you do get the help, it can change your life so keep going!

Best wishes,
Amy Xx

How many times can I come out alive?


May be triggering.

I often ask myself, how many times can I be pushed and pulled between the poles of life and death. I find that for the majority of life, this has the been the case and just as you feel you are getting somewhere, you get pulled back again. This is something I am used to, but as many of you will know, just because you are used to certain trauma in your life, doesn't mean that you will never get tired of it. 

I find that I am in a much better place now than I was a few years ago and for that I am proud. I can also say that I am beginning to find happiness again - something which I never thought I'd experience for a long time. And even though this is the case, I can't help but be haunted by the continuous traumas that I experience in my life and I find myself questioning how many times can my body be put through this and come out alive? 

When we face trauma, it is extremely difficult especially those that are continuous like a break up of a family, or the illness of a family member. As a you and I both know, that as a sufferer of mental illness, these events don't impact lightly, nor would it on a person who doesn't suffer from such either! But, when we get pulled back into the pain and darkness that we have felt so many times with our mental illness, it has a detrimental effect because you and I both know that we never ever want to go back to the depth of hell that we have experienced. Not only that, but when we begin to find happiness again, it's difficult to comprehend that it might be being taken away all too soon. 

When such repeated traumas come around, I feel exhausted. Knowing that I've been experiencing such for over a decade, and there is no escape. The fact, that I wonder how much more I can cope with and how much longer I can stay alive.

As difficult as it is, I remind myself that this is that way it is, as unfair as it may be - the world doesn't owe me anything. It's just that some people get a better deal of cards than others. I remind myself that these are all bumps in the road on the way to recovery. And as tired and angry as I get, I remind myself that I cannot change this and I know there must be good to come. I just have to go through this pain to get to the other side. It cannot be helped. No year is perfect. 

You can keep going. You are stronger than you think.

Amy Xx

Journey of driving

I have begun my driving journey once again. I passed my theory few days ago and I've already had a few driving refresher lessons! Those of you who have been following my blog will know that I had to stop my driving lessons due to my anxiety. In fact, one of my worst mental health episodes occurred just before a driving lesson and that was the last I ever saw of my driving instructors car.

Although, I find driving fun and have no problem driving in my Dad's car, the lessons seem to affect me differently. Nevertheless, this Summer I plan to pass my driving test as I only need a few refresher lessons and have already booked my driving test!

I used to be jealous at all of the people that have passed their test at age 17. However that doesn't affect me anymore. As time has moved on, I've begun to understand my journey and am beginning to find peace. I finally feel ready to take on one of my biggest anxiety triggers. So, by the time I get back to university in September, I should have a licence to drive - fingers crossed!

I hope to keep you all updated on a regular basis with my driving journey.

Speak soon and here's hoping it all goes well!

Amy Xx

It's impossible

I often find myself thinking things are impossible, but that's not always the case.

Too often than not I find myself looking back on past events and wondering how it was even possible for such things to occur - almost as if some these events were a blessing in disguise; such as one of my idols turning up at my house randomly one day because a family member wrote a letter explaining what a big fan my Mum was or meeting a person at university who I am so well matched with and whom has been through similar to me and is understanding or that I have survived serious episodes of depression.

There is no way that any ordinary person would argue these things to be possible, extremely unlikely at the very most. It gives me a new perspective; one which life is magical, where things are possible, and things do happen when you least expect it. There are just some moments in life, where things cannot be comprehended and where it blows your mind even thinking about it. Things which make me think that perhaps some things could come true, which otherwise I would never believe in.

Before I start becoming or philosophical, I better stop! I just think it's important to note that sometimes a weird twist of fate is all it takes to turn your life around. One second too early, too late or a random event and it changes the view that things are just black as they are white. 

Keep it in mind.
Amy Xx