No one ever told me that the heart could be smashed to pieces,
ripped and torn apart,
stopped and shanked,
and yet keep beating without warning.
No one ever told me that it was possible for the heart to be so damaged,
that even the brain couldn't confound whether it was going to go cold,
but still be breathing,
and yet feel like it's dying.
No one ever told me that the brain and the heart weren't best friends,
that it's a trap,
a marriage that ends in divorce,
because that's not what I heard waiver into my dreams from my bedtime stories...
It sends emotions that run through your veins,
leaving you paralysed in your touch,
being left with a shallow shell,
absence of warmth.
It's being sick to your stomach,
wanting your aching heart to come and give you relief,
it's wondering how it has the strength to carry on,
when your eyes close in front of elation.
Now, I hear myself thinking how can I survive without a beating heart?
One that has escaped its cage,
an empty stomach,
and no bright light of life,
But i'm still here and I don't know how,
there is nothing worse than this feeling,
perhaps what its like to be on the edge and cry,
but my heart still beats as I wave goodbye.
Dear S,
You've helped me in so many ways I cannot begin to tell you. I've seen a lot of counsellors and therapists over the years and each one has brought something different to the table to help me along on my journey. Sometimes it worked and they helped me to overcome some anxieties, but other times it had no benefit to me at all.
I first met you when I was in the midst of a huge change, when I'd only recently begun to be able to catch public transport again and was slowly rebuilding my life. I was fragile and severely sick but for the first time I had someone outside of my family who understood me, who clicked with me and gave me explanations as to why I felt and was acting in such ways.
It's been four years since then...and it's gone so fast. There were a lot of moments in the those past years where I didn't think I'd even make it to today. I remember our first session, where you asked me to explain my life and I soon realised I had a lot of trauma and underlying issues that hadn't even been touched upon by previous counsellors. You started from the very beginning and delved deep to rebuild my foundations.
Looking back to the beginning, we were talking about my first year of university exams and how scared I was, as well as taking driving lessons, the fear of going back home, how I couldn't get taxis and found relationships really hard and now I'm sharing my stories with you from my new career. Who would believe it?!
You've been there during some of the most difficult times in my life, someone to turn to when no one else would understand, giving me explanations to set me free from the traps in my mind and allowing to have the "oh wow, I finally understand, I get it" moments! You help give me sense of clarity, understand my worth and given me the power that allows me to overcome and progress in the most challenging times.
You have had such a positive impact on my life, a hand to hold when I needed it and a huge support and encouragement - so thank you.
If I had anything else to add to this letter, it's to reach out to others to given the encouragement to get counselling and therapy as it can give you the help you need that you wouldn't have otherwise been able to reach on your own. Keep searching until you find the person that fits you.
I've been writing these for 5 years now...if you want a throwback, you can click here for my look back to 2013.
I must admit that 2018 has been the hardest year for a good few years now. The last time I had a year as challenging, must've been 2013 when I had just been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Of course every year has had its challenges with it high and low moments, but this one has been particularly difficult.
I began the year working in a dead end job, but with prospect of my dream career in the distance. I moved back home and walked back into a life surrounded with illness. The illness that surrounded me led to me almost losing my mum on an operation table only to be saved by intensive care, but losing my Grandma at the same time. I felt utterly alone and lost because the two people I was closest to, had disappeared However I was extremely lucky to have amazing support from those closest to me and if you're one of those reading this - it means the world.
It was also a confusing year for trying to understand myself and what I wanted from life - cliche I know. But it made me go on a journey from love to loss and what felt like back again and despite the happiness I did feel, it's one of the hardest things I've had to experience as well as what else I undertook this year. It pulled me to and from the edge of what I knew to be reality and showed me a depth of pain I didn't know existed. I had no idea how powerful the heart and mind could be and how it could transfer so strongly into physical pain.
Later in the year I moved away from home again and this time on my own and by doing so, I've felt what true loneliness is. I went through training for my new job without making any friends and considering I am a hugely social person, this was very hard. All of my family and friends were hours down the road and I found myself coming back to my flat, not knowing anyone and sitting amongst my thoughts - not the best thing to be doing.
But amongst all of this, I did manage to achieve my dream career. When I was 7 years old, I drew a picture and wrote a small paragraph of what I wanted to be when I was big and strong...and now I am that person I drew in that picture, at 23 years old. There are challenges and it can be traumatic, but at the moment I still don't feel like I'm going to work!
This year has felt like I've been pulled through a hedge backwards...which is probably quite generous to say the least. I'll be glad to see the back of it, even though life can change at any moment...There have been moments where I smiled and felt my heart fill up with love and laughter, but I've also felt it break and cried enough tears to fill an ocean, only to wonder how much longer I can take. All of it has showed me strength and just what the body is capable of handling, which is much more than the brain likes to believe.
Here's to 2019 though...
