Loneliness

Loneliness is something that we tend to associate with the elderly, but we all feel it. Physically, loneliness can happen at any age. We might find ourselves not making any friends at university, having just moved to a new town or too sick to go outside. More recently we might connect with this feeling during the midst of the covid pandemic.

The deep sinking feeling of loneliness can occur at any time. We might feel our heart fall out when we're in a crowd full of people, even if those people are our best friends and family and yet feeling like there is no one there at all. This is common to be familiar with and happens to all of us at some point in our lives. It's worth noting that although we may feel lonely, we are in fact very loved. Feelings are just that, feelings.


Physically, it's important to remember that being on your own isn't isolated to the age that you are, nor is it always something to be frowned upon. You can be lonely not matter where or whom you are. I'm twenty-four and I have been severely lonely at many points in my life. I have felt the pain of being in a new town, hours away from home and not knowing anyone or anything, trying to find my way across a new country or having no one to talk to in a hotel room at two in the morning. Our circumstances is what leads us to be lonely, nothing more and nothing less.

There is a key amongst all of this however. We must take this time to understand ourselves, and not attach ourselves to the nearest thing or person that provides us with a little bit of company and solitude. Our decisions need to be as calculated and understood as if we were surrounded by a hundred people. The struggle that we face as humans, is that most of us are born to have an emotional connection with at least another person and when we don't have that, we strive and accept anything that may give us something similar. The issue we then face, when we are in this vulnerable state, is that we accept behaviours that can be toxic to ourselves and our lives. A good stead and fast rule is to look and see whether, if we were in a loving and fulfilled environment, would we still accept and spend time with the person. The answer to that question may still be yes, however our actions may differ if we were in ordinary circumstances. Reviewing your actions and taking a step outside yourself to look at it, is still as important as understanding how to cope with the loneliness that you are facing. Desperate actions can be just as detrimental to your self as sustained unwanted loneliness.

Who am I?

It’s a bit of a weird question, but one you should ask yourself. I bet if you even asked yourself the question right now, you wouldn’t be able to give me a quantitive answer. There’s often one thing that you do know though, and that’s what you stand by, what you’re passionate for and the truth of your actions.

I feel that we often get caught up in the busyness of daily life sometimes and through relationships and gossip we can often lose our sense of self. We may find ourselves questioning, ‘am I still me?’. Perhaps one thing that can shake us the most is other people’s perceptions of oneself. Deep down, I’m sure we’d all want to be seen as a good, honest and trustworthy person but in reality we can’t be that all of the time. We all make mistakes and it’s the owning up to that which is important. I will admit that I’ve made mistakes in the past and I am quite happy to own that. It’s when other people spread gossip or rumours which can result you not only finding  out things about yourself you never knew before, but it may also make you feel angry as people may believe things about you that aren’t wholly the case. To add to that, it may not be appropriate to put the story straight either and so th saga continues.

This is why I mentioned about having a strong sense of self because no matter what, I’m sure people will talk about whatever you have been involved in at some point. It hurts to think that people have a different perception about you, but if you know the truth deep down you shouldn’t have to justify it. You know what has really happened and I feel if people took the time of day to use their ears more than their mouth then people would take the time to understand the truth behind some of the stories they hear. Of course this is easier said than done because sometimes what people hear is taken as gospel and that can causes issues with careers and relationships, for example.

At the end of the day, you have the same right to be on this planet as anyone else and you shouldn’t have to prove yourself to people just because someone’s heard something down the line. As long as you know yourself deep down, that’s what matters.

I feel numb

Depression is an odd thing sometimes, isn’t it? Sometimes you feel like you’re battling against the world and then the next thing you know, you can’t feel anything at all.

I think the issue I face the most is my depression and the constant battle with my medication. I remember when I was just beginning to face my difficulties with depression and anxiety and I could feel every tingle in my body and urge to run. I can also remember some days when I did feel genuinely happy. But as my condition got worse, the more the depression engulfed me to the point I could no longer live without at least giving medication a try. 

As I have mentioned in the past, medication for me was a miracle and almost seven years later, I still have a daily dosage. It helped to level me out to a point whereby I could begin to function again in daily life, but it also made me feel numb in way that depression couldn’t. I feel used to my mood and understanding myself by now, but as a result of my medication for my depression I never seem to reach the extremes of any emotion. I guess that’s a consequence I have to face, otherwise I’m sure I would be feeling the very depths of depression and that’s not a risk I can take.

I’m not sure that I’ve needed my medication for a very long time, but I haven’t found a good place where I am able to come off of it. There’s always work in the way and the concern that I would spiral, but I like to think that I understand what triggers me and what doesn’t these days. I do dream of a day when I can feel the depths of love, happiness and excitement, not at the expense of my mental illness and I am pretty sure I will be able to do that soon, which is an exciting prospect. It would almost be like taking off a mask.

There are still a few occasions where I will feel numb in times of great stress and life events and that’s not something that medication could ever solve. I cannot expect for that to be something that my medication could handle when my external environment also changes. There are also times when certain triggers of mine with still wreck havoc regardless of anything I’m taking and that usually won’t be numbness, but rather feeling the whole world and loss of coping.

Numbness is something that anyone can deal with, whether that’s through grief of shock. It’s perhaps even more so if you have depression as a condition as it can be your body’s way of protecting itself from further harm. What people forget is that the brain is just as important as the rest of the body and needs armour sometimes too. When you become numb, it’s your body’s way of stopping any more stress from takings it’s toll. Perhaps even repeated traumatic situations will lead you to become numb to a particular area, causing you difficulty to connect with others. But as I’ve also discussed, numbness can also be in every emotion you feel and it’s certaintly something I feel on a regular basis. It’s almost as if I can only reach eighty percent of an emotion, as long as what I’m facing on the outside isn’t severely triggering. But sometimes you have to understand that it’s a balance and a compromise and a journey that does get easier over time.