This isn't usually the type of post that I would write, but I'm hoping it will still be beneficial. There are so many people out there that don't understand anxiety and it's true to say, it will never be completely understood unless you have experienced it yourself. I hope that for the sufferers of the condition you will be able to relate to this somehow and for others, I'm hoping you understand how hard it can be for some people.
A diary of anxiety
Different aspects of your life will be affected depending on what type of anxiety you have and how severe it is. For those who suffer with severe anxiety, life can be a living hell and it is with you 24/7.
Sometimes it will be present in your sleep. Your body will be preparing for the day ahead with the flight or fight response. This means one of two things; either interrupted sleep, or feeling tired when waking up. From the moment you wake, anxiety takes action with adrenaline rushing through your veins. You wake up everyday feeling ill because your body has heightened anxiety due to the daily tasks you have to complete, such as going to school or catching public transport.
You've put up with this anxiety for a long time now and it's tiring. You feel ill when you wake, so you don't feel like doing much. You don't feel like putting makeup on or putting more effort into the way you dress. You can only eat little, because your anxiety is just too bad and you're always exhausted. You just want to stay in a safe place, where you can be calm for a while. For many people; this is home.
Your anxiety is so crippling and disabling that it stops you from doing anything that you love. You get heightened anxiety any time you try to attempt to do something, which often ends in a panic attack or avoidance. As a result, you end up staying at home; again. Everything in your life is constant battle with your brain. You struggle and often avoid school, public transport, driving lessons, getting a job, joining a club and speaking in front of class.
You try with every inch of your body and all of your might, to complete a simple task as to catch a bus, but it often results in hours of emotional and physical pain and angst about the thought.
You're always told not to compare yourself to others but sometimes you can't help but notice the people around you. When you see other people your age with jobs, going to school without a second thought and driving, you can't help but feel a little bit hopeless.
It's all well and good saying that you are in control of your destiny, but when it seems you have a great brick wall in front of your every step, your legs are heavy and you feel like you're wading through thick mud, it's extremely hard to believe. But then you wake up one morning feeling okay and this is a very rare occasion but you're feeling good. You manage to overcome some of your fears and at the end of the day you feel ecstatic. You know that this is a taste of what life should be and could be like. You feel as if you've crawled out of this deep dark hole and seen the light. You know recovery isn't going to be easy, but it's the good days you've got to hold on to. You know that even if the crippling anxiety comes back the next day, you've experienced some sort relief.
Recovery: 'return to normal state: the return of something to a normal or improved state after a setback or loss.'
Recovery begins from the day you feel you are suffering. The day you take action and control of your situation is the day you go on the road to recovery.
A first thing to note about recovery is that it takes time. Recovery can take weeks, months or even years. For me, it's taken over a year so far and I'm still going strong! Don't rush your recovery as your body knows what's right for you.
One day you may wake up and feel like you have the ability to tackle the thing you've always been scared of. It will happen. Other tasks may take a while to accomplish.
Overcoming anxiety is also based upon repetition. With anxiety, your body may feel there is a danger whenever you try certain tasks such as going to school or catching a bus. Tackling the thing you fear, can take a while, but don't fret as It does get better - just think of my recovery process! At first I couldn't leave the house and now I am slowly getting back into school - which is my biggest anxiety trigger. I've got a while to go yet, but you must take it slowly.
I wish I could tell you recovery is easy, but there will be bumps in the road. I wish the same as you, that I could do what I wanted when I wanted, but my anxiety tends to get in the way. Many people use the term good days and bad days and this is completely normal. For me, today is a bad day. But, I am not deterred. I know that not everyday will be good, but you must think of everything you have achieved so far.
A positive thing about recovery is knowing that you're becoming a stronger and better person. The things you tackle which seems big to you, such as catching a bus can make you feel amazing after you've accomplished it. You get such a buzz from doing something you fear.
I wish you all the best and remember you've got this. People have been through this before and managed to get back to full health. You're not alone.
I have always been a shy person throughout the whole of my life. I've hated joining clubs and standing on stage. My teachers tried their best in trying to improve my confidence, but it was little to no help. I also believe my mental health issues began to shows signs from the age of 8 years old when I had to make sure certain things were done before I went to bed and before I got to school.
Because I've been a shy person throughout my life, it was hard to notice a change in myself with regards to my anxiety. However, my anxiety story began at the beginning of my exams in 2012, which would have been around March. I first noticed that something was odd when I began to feel really ill every day. At first I assumed it was a virus, but soon it wouldn't go away and I constantly felt I needed to leave the classroom whilst in school. It was horrible with constant sickness, stomach aches and lack of sleep. I assumed it was exam stress, but little did I know it would continue.
I managed to go through all of my exams and my sickness began to wear off by the time the summer holidays came around. It was the best summer I have ever had. I went to the Olympics and spent long summer days with my friends, but I still had worries in the back of my mind. One of the main worries from the Summer was sickness. In any big event or enclosed space, such as a hall or stadium I felt I needed to get out and felt really ill. I began to take paracetamol on a regular basis to try and stop the sickness, even though it had no effect - it was like a safety blanket as I begun to develop this fear of being ill in front of people.
I believe my first panic attack was on results day in 2012. I was so nervous, I couldn't breathe and was crying. I just assumed that this was nerves that got out of control. But my panic attacks continued and I remember having several over the last few months of the year when catching public transport, going to school, driving lessons, applying for jobs and going on school trips.
I joined the sixth form in September of 2012 and on the first day I felt really, really ill when I thought I was going to be sick everywhere. I was exhausted but yet again I presumed it was just nerves from starting a new year. It continued quite severely for a week or so, until it began to pass off.
Due to my increasing anxiety and severe depression that came with it, I began to see a hypnotherapist in the last few months of 2012 and into 2013, who helped me greatly. Due to the length of the NHS waiting list, I had to use this as a treatment due to my criticality of my mental illness. If I didn't get help then, I'm not sure I would've made it to today.
I was really enjoying sixth form, until I got to January 2013. In January I had a breakdown. I got into school one day and completely panicked. I explained to my friend that I had to go and I couldn't stay. From that day in January I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't go to school, so I had to have work sent home. I couldn't answer the phone to my teachers either. I had to cancel my driving lessons and any meetings with friends. It was hell on earth. Everything that I loved was being taken away.
At that time, people thought I was really ill. I had been to the doctors a few times complaining of great stomach pain and generally feeling horrible. I had my bloods done and it turned out that there wasn't anything wrong with me; it was just in my head. In a weird way I was hoping for something to be wrong with me just so my problems could be solved.
As time moved on, I slowly managed to leave my house. I remember the first time I walked to the shop at the end of the road and remembering what an amazing feeling it was. It was only a quick trip, but I left my house and paid for something. As time continued I managed to catch public transport, including going on the train to London with my Dad. I had to find some strength to fight the feeling that something terrible was going to happen to me. School was still a great problem and I went very little. Everyday was a physical and mental pain. My mum would take me to the school gate and I would have panic attacks every day and be crying with sadness and exhaustion. Sometimes I could go to school, but other times I would just sit outside the gate. It would be true to say that most of my A-Levels studies were spent outside of school rather than inside. Nevertheless, hard work and self teaching allowed me to get to university, although it was all a guessing game at the time as to whether I would even make it.
It got to around March and I began to go back to driving lessons but getting to school was still a great problem. I struggled to step inside the building without feeling really ill and exhausted. Many people hate school and find it boring, but if I could've just gone to school with ease it would've been such an achievement.
Around the end of 2013 I began to have counselling and CBT on the NHS, which helped me immensely. I believe I had to be transferred to three different counselors and took some tests to find out that my most severe anxiety is health, followed by social anxiety and panic attacks. As some of you may have read, I left therapy in May 2014, which was an amazing feeling.
In February 2014 when my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts were at their worst, I began to take a medication called Citalopram thanks to my Mum and I now never look back. After waiting a few weeks for the medication to work, I woke up one to day to feel a change that I can only describe to be a miracle.
Since that time I have now had two part time jobs, graduated from university with first class honours and am now doing my dream job in the emergency services. I am still on medication and continuing to battle my anxiety. Panic attacks are few and far between and I'm currently seeing a counsellor, which does help. I still experience bouts of depression and anxiety, but I'd go as far to say that I am almost recovered. Looking back now, I was once in hell - a place where I had no capabilities to enjoy any aspect of my life, and now I have moved out and am living independently - a day I never thought I would ever see.
I hope this brief overview of my anxiety story so far, has helped you to come to terms with your own.
